I opened a fortune cookie recently that contained the world's best fortune. Now, you know how those damn fortune cookies are always hedging their bets. "The universe is guiding your life." What the hell does that mean? "If you know yourself, you will know others." They don't call them "proverb cookies," motherfucker! Make with the mystical 8-ball shit, Confucius!

That's why this fortune was so unique. There was no wiggle room in this prophecy. Either it would come true, or it wouldn't. I had them cornered. Check it out, homechickens:



This was my winning lottery ticket. It had the implication of money ("golden egg"), and the implication of sex ("into your lap"). It was undeniably positive, unless someone literally threw a golden egg in my lap, which might have crushed my nuts. (I could have bought new ones.) But the best part was the promise that it would happen this month. This was a binding contract that would hold up in any court of law!

I couldn't imagine how this one got through the crack legal team at the fortune writing company. I mean, this fortune was a real liability. They must have had a new intern working that week, or something. But thanks to their screwup, I had a golden egg of opportunity coming my way. Now all I had to do was remain patient and vigilant, watching my lap closely for the rest of the month.

I decided to wear a cup, just in case.

Next: One month passes!