 Could I give myself obsessive-compulsive disorder?
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I'm obsessive. I'll admit that. I'm constantly
filing e-mail into the proper Outlook folders. Before I leave work, I
have to make sure my desk is ordered just so. I have been known to iron
my socks.
But am I obsessive-compulsive? I'm talking about obsessive-compulsive disorder, that modern "disease" that makes people afraid to shake hands with strangers or to touch restroom doorknobs. You can always spot the folks with OCD, because of the wildly hilarious facial tics. I used to work with this woman who constantly looked like a bird trying to swallow a crouton. It was sad, but also funny, like a clown getting caught in a sausage grinder.
Recently, I had a thought: could I give myself OCD? And so I decided to take a groundbreaking experiment: for one week, I would perform the same crazy rituals that a real obsessive would, then see if I could stop. They say that you can "fake it 'til you make it," but I wanted to see if I could fake it, then make it stop.
DAY 1
Every good obsessive-compulsive is afraid of germs, so I decided to start my OCD career by repeatedly washing my face and hands. For me, this actually makes good sense, as I have terrible skin. A little exfoliation would do me some good, since I've got more blackheads than an R. Kelly concert.
I gave my face and hands a good, vigorous washing after waking up, another in the shower, a third when I got to work, and then a fourth, fifth, and sixth before noon. Oh sure, it sounds fun. But I was continually opening my eyes to find that my face was still covered in soap, and there's dirt in that soap, and there are germs in that dirt. I found myself considering buying some of those crazy anti-bacterial products, like Steri-Kleen keyboard swabs, or Anti-McGermFree Lemon-Scented Doorknob Wipes.
So here I sit, my cheeks a bit flushed from the ceaseless scrubbing, the backs of my hands beginning to flake and scale. And now, it's time to pump up the obsession. I plan to add one senseless routine to my ritual each day for the next week.
Remember: you can't spell COMEDY without OCD.
Next: Day 2!
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