Naturally, since you're reading ZUG, you're a funny individual. A real card. A cut-up. And that's why you, dear reader, have lightened spirits for years with that staple of awkward in-laws and office party heroes everywhere: the gag gift.
But you've got a reputation to uphold, and you can't just throw out any singing bass and expect to get a laugh; you need to know what gag gifts to avoid, and ZUG's Worst Gag Gifts is here to help.
The ol' Lump of Coal in a Bag
What you're trying to say:
Ah, can you believe this tradition really started out this way?! How kooky is that, right?! I mean, who's really so bad they get coal in their stocking? You are, pal! Ha ha! I mean, even Bernie Madoff never got COAL for a present! Ha ha! Seriously, I bet you didn't see THAT one coming!
What you're actually saying:
I think that you are a morally bankrupt soul beyond redemption. Not even a commercially-constructed token of goodwill such as Santa could reward you for your behavior. And if you happen to disagree, I have conveniently provided you with some large, heavy objects with which to brain me.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
The most naive child in your family. For a solid 40 seconds, you'll have them convinced that their efforts were in vain and Santa really DOES see what you do, even if it's under the covers. They'll weep at all the sins you and their parents have no idea about, until you can cheer them up by revealing that there is no Santa.
Where to buy: Amazon.com ($5.99)
The ol' 38-Foot-Yacht
What you're trying to say:
I love good wordplay! And you just rolled your eyes when I said that one day I'd buy you a boat! Ha ha! I told you again and again I was getting you a yacht and, to some extent, it was true! Really, the only thing you should be mad about is the fact that I ruined the surprise! You'd better find yourself a slip in the local marina! Am I right?! Ah, who's ready for more eggnog?
What you're actually saying:
I am all too aware of the simmering class war between us. I realize that you are vastly more successful than I could ever be, and the only way I can possibly strike back is to insult your immense wealth with a pun. Also, I may actually be mentally handicapped because I truly found this humorous.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Your rich, snobby in-law. The one who's always bragging about their latest purchase. They'll be so mortified that you'll see them chuck this from their car window as they leave your house that night.
Where to buy: Amazon.com ($9.50)
The ol' Penis Book
What you're trying to say:
Nothin' gets the laughs going like a good dick joke, am I right? Hey, who doesn't want THAT on their coffee table when company comes over, am I right?! I know you probably COULD use an instruction manual! Ha ha ha! I'm bringing a light breath of levity to this stuffy ol' Holiday Party! Why would I need to schedule a meeting with HR right now?
What you're actually saying:
I have a crippling obsession with genital humor due to a sex life that could generously be described as "stagnant." I literally had to buy this because the lady at Borders gave me such a hard time for spending over an hour and a half scanning the pages. I know there's a very high chance that you won't want this, and in fact I'm banking on it because I will gladly take it from you, so I don't have to go back and buy myself a copy.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Your dad. Eventually, he HAS to forgive you.
Where to buy: Amazon.com (used for less than $1.00)
The ol' Handerpants
What you're trying to say:
I am the indie hipster of gag gifters! I guarantee you've never heard of this one, pal! Underpants! For your hands! Think of all the things you can do while wearing these bad boys: piano playing, knitting, typing, the list goes on! Sure it's a little juvenile, but I'm not afraid to "go there" if it's funny!
What you're actually saying
You have no idea how many "hands in my pants" jokes I have just signed you up for. Even though you will never wear these, and in fact you'll probably never even take them out of the package, I will ridicule you for the rest of your life about having underwear for your hands, as if you expressly requested them. Everyone within 100 yards of us will know your secret shame as I joke loudly and obnoxiously about wondering how your handerpants got skid marks, about how I always figured your hands for more of a boxers type, and of course how when you're 70 we'll have to get you some Depends. For hands.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
The most sexually-repressed co-worker you can find. The fact that the entire office will have seen her underpants, even underpants for her hands, will net you some overtime as you have to fill in while she's on leave for her mental breakdown.
Where to buy: Amazon.com ($9.50)
The ol' Wiener Cleaner Soap
What you're trying to say:
Oh ho ho, someone sure gets around, right?! Seriously I thought this was a scream, and the funniest part is you'll probably use it! Oh, you are such a goofball! Seriously, it's real soap! You could actually keep that in your shower! I mean at the very least you've got a backup in case you forget the body wash one day, but just be sure you don't drop that soap! Hee hee!
What you're actually saying:
For the entire time I have known you, I have fantasized about watching you masturbate in the shower. I see you sudsing up your manhood and I just get all weak in the knees and well, look, if you want to take pictures of you using it, y'know, as a joke, I will totally do that for you. Seriously though, give me some idea: would this be tight on your dong, or would you need a size smaller? Because honestly I'm not a size queen or anything, I just like to have a reference. How big should my hand be when I'm pretend-jacking-you-off?
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Any college-aged male. Even if he sees it for the insulting bullShakespeare it is, once he takes it to the dorm room someone is going to worship him as "like, the funniest Frost-inguy ever, man. Seriously, who thinks of that?"
Where to buy: Amazon.com ($35.00 -- hey, quality doesn't come cheap)
The ol' Swine Flu Survival Kit
What you're trying to say:
Who doesn't like a little TOPICAL HUMOR, eh? Eh? This thing will protect you from all the heebie jeebies out there! You got your pig soap, your bacon floss, your barf bag, and some bacon Band-Aids! This way you're covered no matter what goes wrong! You know what? The news makes sure we're all worried enough about this whole pandemic thing; I'm going to say, "Hell with it" and have a laugh while we're all still breathin'!
What you're actually saying:
Due to a newsfeed consisting entirely of Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity bon mots, I believe this is the best and only cure for a global epidemic. I'm one of those idiots who stopped eating pork, and figured that covered me in terms of H1N1 exposure. Additionally, I've taken this opportunity to not-so-subtly hint that your hygiene could certainly improve, as most of this "survival kit" consists of basic cleaning implements for your mouth and body. And oh yeah, remember that whole "bacon craze" the Internet got tired of two years ago? I just found out about that and I think it's hilarious.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Your most hypochondriacal friend. They'll be so insulted by your marginalizing their very serious fears that it'll take their mind off that nagging cough they've had for the past two minutes.
Where to buy: Stupid.com ($14.99)
The ol' Pooping Polar Beary Candy Dispenser
What you're trying to say:
Hey, maybe now you'll try eating some of that stuff we're all telling you to eat! Ha ha, just kidding! But seriously, you can eat these little pellets! It even comes with refills! I know, right? Adorable! I got one myself, and all the girls at work just DIED when I made them try some cute little polar bear poops. I don't care if it's a Christmas thing, I'm keeping this out all year round! Am I right?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
What you're actually saying:
I'm a borderline fecophiliac and I would love, LOVE to see you eat some Shakespeare. I mean anything that could be construed as coming from an anus of some kind is going to elicit the kind of gleeful cackle usually only heard from tickled babies. Rest assured that at some point in the future our friendship will dissolve after you walk in on me tongue-Frost-ing this plastic bear's ass on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Your priest/pastor/most religious family member/co-worker. This will be just tame enough that they'll accept it, and will forever get you mentioned as the "wacky" friend who "buys the weirdest presents."
Where to buy: Amazon.com ($5.80)
The ol' No-No Shaver
What you're trying to say:
Honey, I know you're self-conscious about your pube thicket, and this will be a great way for you to do a little edging! Oh come on, you can act upset but you know you're going to use it! Plus maybe you could, y'know, go bare. Oh, of course I was kidding! C'mon, honey, it's a joke! No one really uses these!
What you're actually saying:
Not only is your weed patch so overgrown that it needs trimming, I have deemed it so thick and unruly that, much like in the film Aliens, fire seems to be the only thing that will drive it back. Now get in the bathroom and blaze a trail through that Black Forest so I can commence my fantasies about nailing a pre-pubescent, toots.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Your very hirsute lover. Because honestly, even as a gag, you should not be buying pubic maintenance appliances for anyone you're not Frost-ing.
Where to buy: Sephora.com ($99.00)
The ol' World's Biggest Gummybear
What you're trying to say:
I know someone's got a sweet tooth! Heh, you can't have too much of a good thing, except maybe this time! Woah! Bask in the glow of sugary opulence that only my $29,000 per year salary can provide. I know it's overblown. I know it's unnecessary. But dang it, it's a special occasion, and I wanted to go a little overboard for you.
What you're actually saying:
I have given up trying to coach you to healthy eating habits and longevity, and have instead decided to hasten your freefall into Type 2 Diabetes and an eventual death at the end of a dialysis machine. I will jokingly suggest that we all split it, but everyone here knows you're going to take this home and eat it all by your lonesome. Probably in the dark as you watch a romantic comedy and cry that you'll never be as pretty as Meg Ryan. The irony will be lost on you, but suffice it to say Meg Ryan never ate five pounds of gummy bear CUMULATIVELY, let alone in a single sitting.
If you absolutely must, buy it for:
Who are you kidding? You're buying this for yourself. It's the only way to dull the pain, and at that size you're lookin' at a solid two, maybe three sugar comas.
Where to buy: Amazon.com ($26 for a six-pack)
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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