I'm getting tired of the security questions. You call up the bank or the utility company, and they ask personal details that are none of their business: your mother's maiden name, the name of your first pet, the town where you lost your virginity.

I decided to fight back by making a series of prank calls to Visa, where I have an account, and trying to get around their senseless security questions. In this first prank call, I tried to get by with the wrong mother's maiden name. [click here for the audio version].

VISA: My name is Alan, may I have your name please?

JOHN HARGRAVE: My name is John Hargrave, and I had a question about my credit line, whether we could increase that.

VISA: OK, no problem, Mr. Harfgrave. For security purposes, may I have your mother's maiden name first?

JH: Sure. Yeah. That's Swarthington.

VISA: Hmm ... no, it doesn't show up like that.

JH: Well, that's my mother's maiden name. Swarthington-Stocktoston. She's German.

VISA: Oh, OK. [Pause]

JH: Is that not what you have?

VISA: Ah, I don't see like that kind of information. Oh, OK ... I got it. OK, so you want to have a credit line increase on this credit card, is that correct sir?

JH: Uh-huh.

VISA: OK, just a moment, I'll double-check the information for you first.

JH: Is that not what you have on file? You said you didn't, then you did.

VISA: OK, one thing is that because, ah, because, we are not, we have one name on the account, we have so many names to choose with, so I need...

JH: How many names do you have on the account?

VISA: When you give me the...

JH: It should just be and my wife. What do you have, like 18 people on the card? Is there a Russian family of immigrants on the card?

VISA: I understand that you're concerned, sir. Because our system is [unintelligible].

JH: I'm just concerned about the mother's maiden name. That's all. If you don't have Swarthington-Stocktoston-Topsinshontinshonson...

VISA: Due to the security reasons...

JH: It's just that I love my mother. I respect her family and her lineage. She is of German descent.

VISA: I understand that. In order to process your request, we will be obtain [unintelligible] the credit report for the primary cardholder on this account.

JH: I appreciate all that. It's just that this thing about my mother's maiden name has got me a little troubled that maybe you guys aren't keeping good tabs on my personal data. My mother is of German descent, and the Germans are proud people. To know that you have ... what do you have on file for her?

VISA: I am unable to give that out to you, sir. Due to security reasons...

JH: Well, she's my mother!

VISA: Yes, I understand that it's your mother sir. I understand that you're concerned also.

JH: I deserve to know what you have on file for her maiden name!

VISA: OK, I apologize for that sir. Due to security reasons, I am unable to give it out over the phone sir. Also, I know that you are the cardholder...

JH: She used to give out her maiden name to everybody! Believe me. If you know what I'm saying, Alan. All the time. So, listen. It's no problem. I can call her and conference her in if you want.

VISA: No! I am not saying that you need to conference her in, sir! I didn't mean that! But due to security reasons, if I give you the information, I will get fired from the company right away sir.

JH: I'll tell you what. Let me get my mom on the phone. We'll talk with her, and she'll...

VISA: OK sir, you don't need to bring your mom on the phone, sir. I told you before.

JH: Hang on.

VISA: I understand that you're concerned, but this is not the way to verify the information, so that's why it happened previously.

JOHN HARGRAVE'S FAKE MOM: [Clearly just me speaking in a falsetto] Hello?

JH: Hello. Hey, mom?

FAKE MOM: Yes?

JH: I've got the Visa folks on the phone.

FAKE MOM: Yes?

JH: There's some confusion about your maiden name.

VISA: No sir. There's no confusion happened, sir.

FAKE MOM: Hello? Hi. This is Mrs. Hargrave.

VISA: [Pause] Hello, ma'am. I just talked with your son. Nothing has happened on that. Because at the time we were doing the security verification. We get the right information, but he said he was wary about that at the time I was told him that this is the right things right now, ma'am.

FAKE MOM: Mmm-hmm.

JH: I know, that's what I was trying to tell him, mom.

FAKE MOM: Yes?

VISA: They have some different maiden name.

FAKE MOM: What do they have, sir?

VISA: OK, ma'am, apologize for that, because right now due to security reasons I am unable to give it out information over the phone for that ma'am.

FAKE MOM: But why? It's my maiden name!

VISA: Ma'am, I told your son previously, this is not a problem for your maiden name! Because we was processing for the verification at the time I clicked the wrong information on my system so that why it pop up that it's not match. But I, after that, I double-check on that, I get the right things already.

FAKE MOM: OK. So you don't have Stocktostensoncomeson on your, for my maiden name?

VISA: No. I don't mean to talk with you regarding your maiden name, but your son told me that he wants me to talk with you. I just explained that previously to him to him that right now this is nothing regarding about your maiden name for that, ma'am.

FAKE MOM: He's very smart. He's a beautiful boy.

VISA: I understand that. But at the time I just told your son everything is OK right now. But he said that he wants me to talk with you.

JH: OK. [Getting voices mixed up] I mean, OK. Thanks, mom.

FAKE MOM: Sure!

JH: OK, see you later.

FAKE MOM: OK.

JH: Thanks for your time. Hang on, my mom wants to say goodbye too. Hang on one sec. Hey, mom!

FAKE MOM: Yes? Hello?

VISA: Hi, ma'am.

FAKE MOM: OK.

VISA: I hope you have a great weekend, ma'am. OK?

FAKE MOM: Yes. You too. Thank you, Alan.

VISA: Thank you. Bye-bye.

JH: Bye-bye. [Switching voices accidentally, so I sound like a pregnant cow] Bye-bye.