We made plans for Friday night, when we would hit three bars. At each bar, after a nice lubricating pitcher of beer, we would shoot down the foulest-tasting drink the bartender could muster. How bad could it be? Well, pretty bad, actually. In the history of mankind, it turns out, human beings have concoted some filthy ways to get themselves drunk.

The World Famous* Golden Nugget
*may not actually be world-famous

Charlie the Bartender and three glasses of hobo bile.

The first bar we visited was your run-of-the-mill neighborhood bar. Filled with smoke and pool tables, I was a little worried that the gruff-looking bartender was going to scoff at my request. We ordered a pitcher of beer in order to drink up some courage, and also to chase down the foul-tasting tincture we were prepared to drink. After I stank up the place with my shitty pool playing, I walked up to the bar. The bartender, Charlie (pictured at right), looked like Ron White crossed with a retired NFL linebacker. His partner was a spot-on double for Gimli the dwarf, although he had shunned his dwarven ways and decided to tend bar, curse like a sailor, and grow to six and a half feet tall.

"Hi, my name is Seth and I'm doing an article for a Web site about the worst drink a bartender can make."

Green Chartreuse. Tastes like burning.

A twinkle appeared in Charlie's eyes. "Oh really? I guess that'd be a cement mixer." A cement mixer, for those of you who don't know, is a shot of Bailey's followed by a lime chaser. You don't swallow the shot until you suck the juice from the lime. The citric acid in the lime causes the Bailey's to curdle and turn into a clump of alcoholic cheese in your mouth. It's also a good way to guage the potential sluttiness of your female companions if they actually swallow the gooey mess, which lends some creedence to its other name, The Cum Shot.

I told Charlie I was familiar with the Cement Mixer and was looking for something a little more esoteric. Gimli the giant dwarf put down his battle axe for a moment and joined the conversation.

"Ye should be tryin' the Green Chartreuse!" he said. "Tis more terrible than the screech of a Ring Wraith riding its steed down yer throat!" Green Chartreuse is a liqueur that was invented when Satan was tired of peeing in the mouths of the damned with his eight-headed penis. Charlie dusted off the bottle from the nether regions of the bar, and as he opened the bottle I heard the bark of Cerebus, faintly, but distinctly. It didn't pour into the glasses so much as it flowed, its color and consistency an exact match for the mysterious green chemical they use to charge porto-potties. I thanked him, tipped him generously, gathered up the shots and brought them to our table.

Mark went first. With great gusto, he hammered it down and actually died for several seconds. He then said it was terrible, but not that terrible, and it reminded him of being sick as a child, and taking over-the-counter medicines. The very same medicines now used in the production of methamphetamines, but I digress.

Photo of a man seconds after a terrible shot, or a man orgasming?

Brian was hesitant, but still knocked back the shot like a pro. His face melted onto the floor, and we helped him gather it up. When all the pieces were reassembled he pointed out the similarity between Green Chartreusse and straight Listerine. Needless to say, Brian's mouth was free of 99.85% of the germs that cause the gum disease gingivitis.

I'm pretty sure that if I had mind-reading abilities, I would have heard Brian think, "I fucking hate Seth."

My turn. There's nothing worse than going last in any contest of pain. It's a lot like rochambeau, only everyone still ends up getting kicked in the nuts. I swallowed the syrupy greenish goo and found my mouth filled with the flavor of pine-needles and bat guano. Being a histrionic pussbag, I shuddered and shivered, my tongue briefly jumping from my mouth and trying to escape into the night through an open window. After I gathered my composure, I could only muster a faint squeak, and I could hear "Cat's in the Cradle" being played somewhere, signifying the loss of my childhood innocence.

The things I do for internet people. I have a sickness.

As you can see from the shots of Mark and Brian, to wash the taste from out mouths, we very quickly returned to our beers. I decided to ask Gimli what Green Chartruesse was made of. His actual quote was "Some herbs, some roots, and then they put something in it to make it taste like shit."

Yum! Rooty, herbal shit water. What a great way to start off the night. Time to move to bar number two, a dive-bar with more awesome than Clubber Lang fighting Chuck Norris on a spaceship filled with aliens.

Next: The Bloody Tampon! >>