Hello, and welcome to Zug Live Celebrity Edition. Whether you're watching us on black and white GAB or in full HD Live you're bound to know the star we are shifting our collective "Telescopes of Interest" to this fine evening. I'm your host Piquantrax and while all the information following in this article may be false and completely unverified, trust me, I'm a prince in Africa in dire need of your money!
Enough chit chat, let's move on to the user in this week's episode. You know him by his unique abilities to stay outside in the sun and pull one over at the Super Bowl, that's right it's John Hargrave!
Born in 1945 in the outskirts of Hiroshima, Japan John had what any regular child raised in a radioactive wasteland would consider a normal childhood. He played with his friends on his family's newly acquired 400 acre ranch (housing prices were at an all time low and land was practically free) where Dr. Livingston Hargrave D.D.S. and his homemaking wife Jeannie were known to throw "Neutron Bomb" Parties, where the only thing left standing was the house.
We went to Hiroshima to interview John's childhood friends but were disappointed to find out they all had the gift that keeps on giving, radiation poisoning. So based on our extensive knowledge of hallucinagenic fungi and our rather free flowing imaginations we made one up:
Zug Live Celebrity Edition (ZLCE): Mr. Kimora, you were a childhood friend of John's correct?
Takahashi Kimora (TK): Yes, although I shamed my family by allowing a guay low (round eye) into our home. He was a nice kid, but terrible at hide and seek, you can see that bright red hair for miles.
ZLCE: Were the other children your age in the neighborhood as accepting of a ginger?
TK: No, they used to throw human feces at him and call him names like "Carrot Top" and "Fire Crotch".
ZLCE: That must've affected young John deeply, how did he cope?
TK: He began pretending to be people he was not, impersonating local officials on the phone, really causing trouble around the community. There was even a rather hairy child he used to constantly trick, yelling "Prank the Monkey" until the child wet himself in fear.
....
As John grew older he began to outgrow his schoolmates, growing to a massive 5'8" by the time he was only 17. As seen in this photo with his father:
And was forced by the Japanese government to forever leave their country, electing to go to the US where he hoped to be accepted.
John attended the St. Louis University of Agriculture and Bloodshed from 1962-1974 putting in a record twelve years, or twenty four semesters, as an undergrad. A record that still stands today. After finally getting his act together and completing a bachelor's degree in Disney Trivia he was off into the real world.
Oh how cruel the real world was. John, with a degree as useful as glass shard toilet paper, quickly realized he may have wasted the last twelve years of his life at a fictional school. But he still had the ol' Hargrave Ability to Lie quality that ran through his veins, and after a few short weeks of being homeless he was being carted around the country as a foreign dignitary and best selling author.
Whilst traveling across the country he met and knew (in the biblical sense) many 3 women. One of them being a woman by the name of Oprah Winfrey. As a rising starlet and future billionaire, his knowledge of her no-no zone would prove most useful.
The other two women were a whore in Omaha, Nebraska and a woman by the name of Jade. They fell in love and got married, whatever no one gives a Shakespeare about romance that works out.
Needless to say much like everyone else who survived the 80s, John developed a coke habit, in 1976. He started off just doing a bit here and there at parties but it soon escalated into a full throttle addiction. By July 3rd he was headed for a meltdown and on July 4th he took a turn for the worst in what most residents of Cincinnati, Ohio refer to as "The Bicentennial Blowout". He sneezed and half the city was engulfed in a snow like powder, children for miles cleaned mercilessly for hours on end and local politicians were seen sniffing it off anyone's ass. A truly remarkable spectacle to behold. The next day, forever known as "Frost dude I am not doing that again, unless you got some then I'll buy it off you Day" in southern Ohio. Once again, John Hargrave was banned from an establishment.
After spending two months of self-proclaimed "getting clean" and ruining his credit by purchasing blow with his VISA card he had hit rock bottom. After spending another two months of smoking crack rocks, he finally ran out of money and the banks weren't willing to loan him out money for his "Columbian" interests. So he moved on to a new substance making its way across America, Christ.
He converted himself and Jade into Born Again Christians seeing that there was a fortune to be made preying on people's beliefs as he had in the past. In typical John Hargrave fashion he managed to amass an enormous fortune throughout the 80s, buying stock in Iran's Shah, the DeLorean Motor Company, and Reagan's Star Wars program. All of which turned out to be terrible investments, probably because he bought into them (which means I swear John if you root for Texas in the National Title game, I will kill you.). He was bad luck money wise a real sucker for pitches. He'd buy a solar powered flashlight.
Finally, catching a break he called up his old friend Oprah in the mid 90s, asking for favors (as is his MO). She said "John, listen I can't make you a world famous doctor, nor can I buy you property on the moon, but I can give you a little website." John always being one for gifts, especially those he received, accepted and thus zug.com was born.
Now John and Jade and some kids they either stole or had or something are living together in a hovel just outside Waltham, MA. Really it is quite pitiful but entertaining, like two hobos fighting over a pair of used socks. He spends most of his time pretending to be other people as he did in his childhood and she probably works somewhere in a sweatshop, just a guess, but I'm sure it's somewhere in the ballpark of the truth.
Well, folks, I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did, and are looking forward to many other glimpses into the lives of the people that make us smile while we should be working.
Tune in next week when we'll be discussing the life and times of one of our favorite members who was voted as one of People Magazine's 50 Most Mundane People.
Thanks for stopping in and have a great evening.
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