Can a Fruitcake Stop a Bullet? A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 12/08/2009 04:08 PM 5029 views
Fruitcake. It's loved by some, despised by many. The common joke is that fruitcake is the least destructible baked good known to mankind. Jokes such as "Why is a fruitcake the perfect gift? Because not even the post office can destroy it!" and, "What do you do when you get fruitcake for Christmas? Use it as a doorstop!" are really quite terrible, but they imply that a fruitcake is nearly indestructible.
This made me wonder, just how tough is a fruitcake? Can you use it to bludgeon someone to death? Can it stop a train? And my biggest question: Can a fruitcake stop a bullet? This information could actually prove useful with the recent surge in holiday-related violence.
I think it's trying to bite the knife
To conduct this experiment, I would need guns, bullets, some fruitcake, and a place to conduct the experiment. This is where living in the middle of nowhere has both advantages and disadvantages. My family land would provide the perfect place, I have several firearms and a well-stocked gun cabinet, but there was only one purveyor of fruitcake in the land, and all they had were these:
The gift that says "I really don't like you"
Due to their small size, I bought 15 of them. Surprisingly, the cashier didn't even bat an eye at my purchase. I guess after a while working the register at Wal-Mart, you just don't want to know what people use stuff for.
Guns & Ammo
For bullets, I chose the .22 caliber short:
Milk jug lid shown for comparison
The .22 caliber Long Rifle hollow point:
The little hole in the tip adds to its potency
The 7.62x39mm hollow point:
7.62x39mm, a very mean munition
And the .410 gauge shotgun shell loaded with 7.5 shot:
I lost the milk jug lid
My selection was based on several factors: available firearms, varying ballistics, and differences in how they would impact a Hostess fruitcake.
For firearms, I chose the .22/.410 over and under rifle by Savage Arms. Rawr.
My grandpa's rifle, given to me by my dad when I was 12
And an Egyptian Maadi reproduction of the AK-47 Assault Rilfe, semi-automatic.
Terrorist, no. Extra in an action movie, maybe?
I chose these two from my collection because the over and under is an incredible combo of rifle and shotgun, and the Maadi is my most potent and badass-looking firearm.
My Test Lab
I chose my location due to its placement on the side of the valley. This meant that I would be firing into the other slope if I happened to miss my target, which was likely due to the amount of time that had passed since my last shooting endeavor. It is imperative when dealing with firearms that you know what is downrange in your line of fire, especially around here because these folks will shoot back.
Piece in the valley
For my target stand, I chose an old leaky cooler for its lack of bullet reflectivity, and placed it between a tree and my firing location.
Recycling can be fun!
I set up a table for all my gear, beside which I placed my folding chair and impromptu gun rest.
What kind of picnic is this?!
With everything now in place, I began the experiment.
I kind of doubt that the fruitcake will stop any of the rounds used in this experiment. There is some possibility of it stopping the .22 short round, but considering the weight of the projectile and the speed that it would travel at, plus considering the range at which it is shot at, it could be a coin toss.
For Shakespeares and giggles (and if you even have one) you should try the .25 auto round. I have heard stories and reports on how bad the penetration is on them against people outside of mouse gun range.
John: I wouldn't shoot any of the gays. Someone has to take care of these lovely locks of mine.
Thud: I am envious of your nemonic capibilites. Please to be sharing your secret.
HPG: I had my daughters on critter wrangling duties back at the house while this took place. Since the turkey thing they get really excited when I go down to the test site. I guess they think it's going to be a raw turkey dinner everytime.
Shell: It had to be stopped! Thanks for thinking I look tough, but I am just a big snuggly teddy bear, with leather.
Straw: One does not have to be gay to like bright colors. They could also be stoned.
Ravos: Awesome idea! Send me some and its on! Wait did I just ask for explosives in the mail? My wife may be right...
TTT: I guess I could borrow the .25 my brother keeps in his boot, but I think the smell might contaminate the results.
"I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves. I own leather sleeves"
I'm inspired. And now that I live in a state where you can buy a gun at the Gas n' Sip and I have access to a large tract of rural land, I'm going to do my own experiments in this vein.
I think I'll start with tofu carved to look like Glen Beck.
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