Can a Fruitcake Stop a Bullet? Part 2
A comedy article
by Brad Poynter  7,167  7
12/09/2009 06:12 AM 1689 views
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I was testing the density of holiday fruitcake: is that crap really hard enough to stop a bullet? [Read Part 1 here.]
.22 Short Test
These bullets were solid point, and have a much lower muzzle velocity than the .22 long rifles due to the reduced powder capacity of their smaller shells. Think of them as an intermediate step between a pellet gun and a standard .22.
Any last words, fruitcake?
Setting the fruitcake up lengthwise to my firing position, I fired several rounds into (but mostly at) the target. Without a scope I missed more than I hit, but what I found was that the solid bullet had muscled its way through each time.
Exit wound
This was a disappointing development. I thought that if the fruitcake was going to stop any bullet, it would be the .22 short. Just to be sure, I dissolved the remains of the cake o' fruit in water, then put it through a strainer; alas, no bullet was to be found.
Even my dog wouldn't eat this
.22 Long Test
Disheartened, I went back to the testing area and set up four fruitcakes lengthwise, two by two on the target stand, for the .22 long rifle hollow point test.
Pay no attention to the bite marks
My aim was improving, and a few shots later I hit my target. What I found upon inspection both shocked and thrilled me.
Stopped by a date
With two inches to spare
It worked! The nature of the hollow point round is to mushroom upon impact in order to increase the area of damage within the target. This had apparently created enough surface area to add sufficient friction to slow and stop the bullet.
Shooting fruitcake is messy business
Amazingly smooth front end of the bullet
7.62x39mm Test
Feeling confident, I readied everything for the 7.62x39mm test. The Maadi and its AK-47 cousins are known for their dependability and ruggedness, but not for their accuracy. To accommodate this, and my apparently deteriorated marksmanship, I set up the remaining fruitcakes in a 3x4 cake block.
Enough fruitcake to last forever
I took aim and hit it with the first shot. Fruitcake flew everywhere. After gathering up all the bits, there was no bullet to be found. However, from the damage inflicted and the spray of fruitcake shrapnel, I surmised that the bullet had been deflected away from its original trajectory.
Grazed fruitcake, no eggroll
.410 Shotgun Test
For the final test, I stacked up the remains of all the fruitcakes as best I could. Shotguns have a much shorter range than rifles, and the further the shot travels, the more the shot pattern spreads. So for this test I stood only 20 feet away from the target to ensure a balance in the power between the bullets and the shot.
I fired the shell and went to inspect the damage. I was surprised to find little holes in one side of many of the cakes, but no exit wounds. Upon further inspection, I discovered that no shot that hit a fruitcake made it all the way through. I was impressed.
Oh holy cake
The results of my experiments were shocking. I learned that a fruitcake can indeed stop a small bullet, and may even deflect bigger ones off their course. I learned that it takes about two hours of good cleaning to remove fruitcake residue from a firearm. Lastly, I learned that although I wouldn't try to make a bullet-proof vest out of the stuff, if someone pulls a gun at a holiday gathering, I'm going to make sure I get the fruitcake in front of my body, and hope for the best.
I challenge anyone with the supplies and curiosity necessary to reproduce this experiment and post their findings here.
Happy holidays!
If you enjoyed Can a Fruitcake Stop a Bullet?, you should also check out Can You Cook a Turkey Using Explosives? by the esteemed author, Brad Poynter.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.3
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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Dogs Akimbo 158,679  11
12/09/2009 09:07 AM
This is the sort of stuff up with which I will put. Nice.
I'd be willing to try it, but all I have is a .22 rifle, and I am in New York, which means I can neither shoot at nor smoke in the vicinity of fruit cake.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Gonzo 17,604 12
12/09/2009 03:11 PM
I think they prefer the term: "Gaywad."
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Alarm Clock the chubby Snow-bot 5,980 4
12/09/2009 03:35 PM
That bullet in the first hand picture looks like it's stuck in your hand. I've witnessed someone shoot themselves in the hand before, and I just got to say...
What a martyr for the comedy!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.8
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Shell Belle 31,355 9
12/09/2009 06:06 PM
That was awesome!
You really should film yourself tasting the fruitcake. We would all like to see your boobs.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Brad Poynter 7,167 7
12/10/2009 01:18 AM
Dogs: Thanking I will be at you this moment now. I was smoking while I was shooting the fruitcake with the AK, but I was cool and let it have a drag before execution.
Gonzo: I think they prefer the phrase "Yes, you can stick it in my butt."
A.C.: No Brad's were harmed or mistreated during the production of this experiment. I'll try harder next time.
Shell: I will leave all tastings of nasty things to Mr. Cleveland and his iron stomach. As for your claim that everyone would like to see my boobs, I already let everyone see my butt crack in the pumpkin video, and I think that is sufficient. However if enough people agree I will show my ultra-hot puffy nipples to the world, right after you.
Thanks!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Pants 12,163 13
12/10/2009 02:10 AM
You are Frost-ing crazy for shooting a shotgun at a plastic cooler that close and are lucky that you didn't end up like this guy.
SFW
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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TimmyTheTalkingToilet 11,543 13
12/10/2009 04:09 AM
Good expansion on the .22 round. But it is kind of dissapointing on that it didn't go all the way though.
Also, with the .410 you gotta try slugs, and 00 buck shot as well.
I would of loved to help with the experiment, but I don't live in the country any more, and I'm sure that the new neighbors would be more than slightly pissed if I shot off my Makarov and my Glock in the back yard.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Delicious & British, it's Marmite! 5,619 5
01/07/2010 11:16 PM
That Fruitcake looks Frost-ing disgusting. Even before you shot it.
Still, at least we can save money by armour-plating VIP cars, the Pope-mobile and the Forces with Hostess Fruitcake. Frost you Al-Qaeda we got FRUUUIIIIITTTTCAAAAAKKKKE!
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