Sex Change at the 35th High School Reunion, Part 3
A comedy article
by Michael Hoban  4,102  27
12/09/2009 04:09 PM 5321 views
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I was about to walk into a high school reunion as a pre-op transsexual [read Part 1 here]. This was either going to be my smashing prankster debut, or a flaming -- and I do mean flaming -- defeat. Would I get punched out? Arrested? Maybe score a date with a really screwed up woman? The answers lay beyond the Welcome Table!
We were incredibly nervous about getting past the party organizers at the Welcome Table, but we lucked out: the Keepers of the Gate had temporarily abandoned their post for drinks, so the three of us (me, Donna, and cameraman Neal) slithered into the crowd of 200 revelers armed only with our wits and a digital camera.
"Least likely to ever have children"
Our second bit of luck: just as we arrived, the organizers took the microphone and announced that face stuffing time was over, and the REAL party was about to begin. They had no idea how true those words would be.
Donna and I (back right) trip the light fantastic. Also, we tripped over my enormous feet.
As the reunion attendees looked on in fascination and mild horror, Donna and I took the dance floor. I should mention that, like many delusional middle-aged men who grew up watching Soul Train (with the immortal Don Cornelius), I am convinced that I am one of the best white heterosexual dancers in the country, even in drag. The reality is that my dancing style more closely resembles one of the Scientists from Planet of the Apes being tasered repeatedly to a disco beat. No one would EVER use the word "feminine" to describe my simian style.
So now it began to get interesting. As they watched us bump and grind on the dance floor, some people began to suspect that SOMETHING WAS JUST NOT RIGHT.
Indeed, something was just not right
After a few dances, Donna and I took a break and assessed the situation. We noticed a large stage, and knew we had the perfect performance venue for the Grand Finale. While I got the non-alcoholic drinks (remember, kids: don't drink and prank), Donna started talking to the women, explaining how we met at a mental institution during group therapy, and had gotten married a month earlier, even though I was a pre-operative transsexual. Word of our story would travel quickly.
Donna and I laugh like mad scientists as we plot the Grand Finale
What happened next was serendipitous comedy Frost-ing gold. As we crossed the dance floor to meet one of the principal organizers of the reunion, he intercepted me at the center of the dance floor and KISSED ME ON THE LIPS!
This shocked me. What if I was a real tranny? Wouldn't I be horribly offended?
Not if he'd do another kiss in a photo I wouldn't:
Menage a quatre, anyone?
Neal, who had avoided contact with us all evening, now began to casually whisper to onlookers, "Is that a woman or a guy?" Women maintained that I was, indeed, a woman. The men weren't so sure. Unless, of course, they were drunk. "That's a Frost-ing guy," one red-faced drunk said.
Things began to happen quickly after that. The buzz was growing and people wanted to meet us. Most were friendly, but one tough-looking guy in a leather jacket came up to me while Kitty was talking to the girls (who wanted to know all kinds of things!).
"Hey," he said. "What's your name? Did you go to this high school?"
"Yes, I did go here," I replied in my best Lauren Bacall. "But I left after my sophomore year. I go by Jeannie now, but maybe you remember me as Johnny? Johnny Plankton?" He mumbled something like "Oh, yeah," and walked away.
While Donna and Neal continued to work the room, I sashayed to the DJ and requested the quintessential gay disco hit: the Weather Girls' "It's Raining Men."
A few minutes later, I heard the opening strains of our song come on. I motioned to Donna. It was SHOWTIME!
I don't know what happened next: either a roaring kick of adrenaline, or the stimulants in the stool softener I had been taking for the last few days to fit into my dress. Donna and I took the stage, and I just went nuts.
Yes, it's raining men ... just not on this stage
The official event photographer was the only one who dared to move toward us
"Not now, honey, I'm watching the tranny dance."
By the end of the song, everyone had stopped dancing to stare at us, slack-jawed with confusion. Some were delighted; others disgusted. A few had their hands over their mouths, trying not to laugh, while others were in hysterics.
Whatever they thought of a pre-op transexual taking over their event, one thing is for sure: we made it one high school reunion that wasn't a drag.
If you enjoyed this article, be sure to check out The Liberal Prank, in which the author iShakespeare in the face with hundreds of pies for your amusement.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
39 votes
4.5
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
12/09/2009 04:14 PM
Our old friend Mike Hoban has helped us out on many pranks in the past, but this is the first time we've enjoyed his comedy stylings in writing. Please welcome him with your clicks and supreme adoration.
He's got some set of balls on him to pull this prank.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
12/09/2009 06:28 PM
Dude, you have balls!
Uh, I guess?
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Phuc 237,919 21
12/09/2009 10:04 PM
Johnny Plankton.
Frost-ing. Awesome.
Great job, Mikey. You are a god. A god with a bitchin rack.
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Funny
10 votes
3.1
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
12/09/2009 10:18 PM
I'd hit it.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
12/09/2009 10:25 PM
Mmmmmm, raspberry pudding.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Ravos the red nosed reindeer 63,472 21
12/10/2009 07:03 AM
The reality is that my dancing style more closely resembles one of the Scientists from Planet of the Apes being tasered repeatedly to a disco beat
That is the best dancing description I've ever heard in my life.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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KChiki...with bells on! 128,446 98
12/10/2009 07:21 AM
I'd have danced with you, despite the simian antics! Awesome!
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
12/10/2009 07:46 AM
Dude! Dude? Yeah ok, DUDE! That was hilarious! Not since Flip Wilson has a guy in drag been so funny.
For the second act, you should hit a gay bar in that same get up and see if you can break some sausage hearts!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Jepperoni 58,758 13
12/10/2009 06:15 PM
Absolutely outstanding! I would have never had the intestinal fortitude to pull that off! Bravo!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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red tweaker 2 5
12/11/2009 12:11 AM
...one of the best white heterosexual dancers in the country...
Funny prank! Well done-
Just to set the record straight, not all gay guys can dance...
I'm a gay guy with looks but I can't dance a lick- I get plenty of action as long as I don't have to step on the dance floor...
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
12/13/2009 11:52 AM
Yes, good prank! Though I know you still dress up as a woman. Once you go fem you never go back.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Rated X-Mas Jeeni 47,809 51
12/13/2009 12:31 PM
You've got balls to pull that prank off! Loved the story, Michael - uhm, I mean Jeannie! (Nice name you chose, there!)
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Delicious & British, it's Marmite! 12,955 12
01/07/2010 01:25 PM
Are you sure I didn't used to work with you? Cos your tranny face is BLOODY familiar.....
Which, when I re-read that sentence, it disturbs me. A lot.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Pants 14,252 17
01/08/2010 03:30 PM
Cos your tranny face is BLOODY familiar.....
That sounds like a quote from a woman who had her Aunt Flow devoured by a stranger.
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0 votes
0.0
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HenryHarveyComedyGod 448 8
03/15/2010 11:55 AM
Plankton,
Was it really the drunks who were able to spot the trannies?
Because I thought it was "beer googles" that were behind men bringing home other men dressed like ladies.
Or maybe the beer increases the the transvestite-spotting power of their beer goggles while at the same time giving them the tipsy "oops" factor they need to have sex with a man.
BTW, Now that I see Plankton in this getup, he reminds me of a stripper that showed up at my bachelor party along with another "gal" that called herself "Jean Hergreaves"
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0 votes
0.0
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Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/15/2010 12:10 PM
You looked absolutely stunning except for your meaty man hands.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
03/15/2010 12:13 PM
I thought the meaty man hands sold it.
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0 votes
0.0
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HellaKlutz 6 7
04/01/2010 09:04 AM
Hahahaha, well done!
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