The holidays are a time of giving. No doubt you have plenty of presents to buy, parties to host, cookies to bake, cards to send, and deep expressions of gratitude to fake as you open a tin of festive Christmas sausages from Uncle Pete in Arizona. And of course while you're busy trying to satiate your screaming children and placate your judgmental in-laws, every store you visit has a Salvation Army Santa ringing a bell in a siren song aimed straight at your wallet.
It's not like you don't want to give, but c'mon. You're already spread pretty thin. In fact, if you give much more, you're going to end up one of the people needing the change in that little red pot. Well fear not, dear reader, ZUG's Crappy Consumer Reports has compiled the Best Ways to Avoid a Salvation Army Santa!
Technique #1: Hiding
Procedure:
You're headed out the door when you spy a flash of red and white fur clanging menacingly in the parking lot. Instinctively you freeze. The "fight" reflex hasn't existed in your body since that last failed attempt against the kid who stole your lunch money, and this bell-ringing bastard is directly in the path of your "flight" reflex. So you freeze, intent on waiting out your foe for as long as it may take.
Pros:
It's a lot colder out there than it is in here. Depending on the classiness of your location, you might even have a restroom at your disposal. Of course, depending on the classiness of the Santa you're facing, he might be willing to just go to the restroom in his pants.
Cons:
You're going to have to leave eventually, and your family at home might be a little upset when you explain that you're four and a half hours late with the canned niblets because you have a slight social phobia. Plus, that guy's got the warmth of yuletide cheer and good deeds powering him through the winter night. The hatred you have for people in general that makes simply saying "No" to a person in a Santa hat asking for spare change is only going to exacerbate the situation when you're pinned inside a Sav-a-Lot with the teeming masses.
Technique #2: Reverse Psychology
Procedure:
Calling the bell-ringer's bluff, you charge the little red kettle shouting, "I CANNOT WAIT TO PUT ALL MY MONEY INTO THIS THING!" You're banking on your aggressive pace and enthusiastic shrieking to throw off the Salvation Army Santa, forcing him to either flee in terror or break out the pepper spray.
Pros:
Forget money. This Santa's not going to want anything you've even touched once you come bounding out of the hardware store, potentially dangerous purchases in hand, giggling like a mad man and showering him with spare change.
Cons:
You may get a Santa who calls your bluff. In this case it's going to look pretty anticlimactic (read: retarded) when you run out of steam at the kettle and suddenly look around, embarrassed, like a self-conscious dog forced to take a crap while on a leash. In addition to the shame and ignominy, you're still going to have to cough up some money.
Technique #3: The Cell Phone
Procedure:
That ring-a-ling at the door to the grocery store should signal to you that a scheduled conference call with the Vatican or Senate is due right about now. Simply pull your phone from your pocket, dial your voicemail, and talk to the friendly voice asking if you're having trouble entering your PIN. Why dial voicemail? Because it's really embarrassing to be engaged in a full-blown debate on the Johnson report when your ringer suddenly explodes in your ear. But now you can rest assured that you appear to be in the middle of something much too important to stop for two seconds and throw a handful of nickels into a red pot.
Pros:
Easy to fake. All but the most aggressive Santas should have an innate fear of interrupting a personal call, particularly if you can sell it as being very important.
Cons:
You've got to have a cell phone, obviously. If you're stuck without one you can try to fake a bluetooth headset, but your risk of getting called out on it rises exponentially. Also, you look insane. But then again, any port in a storm.
Technique #4: Begging
Procedure
Hey, they're taking donations to help the poor! In this economy everyone needs a little help. So take what's rightfully yours! Once asked for a donation, you can launch your well-rehearsed "Well, since you brought it up..." speech about the housing crash and your subsequent struggle to keep your head above water. Try to keep your iPhone out of view while panhandling, as it's more than slightly douche.
Pros:
It might work, depending on how good your hangdog eyes are and how sentimental your target may be. At the very least, you're going to get a "Best of luck" and a pat on the back as you walk away, your own change still in your pocket.
Cons:
I was going to say something about losing your dignity, but you're reading an article for suggestions on how to duck a Salvation Army bell ringer, so I have to assume that's not really an issue. There may be potential for backfire in which you're pointed to as a worthy cause for other passersby to donate money toward, but honestly I think that's kind of a win.
Technique #5: Violence
Procedure
If just ONE more person comes to you, hands out in expectation, you're going to freaking lose it. And now this joker you don't even KNOW wants to guilt you into paying someone's bar tab for the holidays? No way, Jose. One swift sucker punch to the jaw and your enemy is vanquished, leaving you the spoils of war should you choose to be a soulless and morally bankrupt Emerson in addition to the kind of person who'd assault a volunteer raising money for charity.
Pros:
Come on. Really? Are you really looking at this part? Okay, fine. So, the guy's definitely not going to ask you for money after this. I mean, like, forever. Years down the road if you somehow get a job at a bank (assuming they don't background check) and this Salvation Army bell ringer comes in for a home loan, he'll see you and turn around to walk right back out the door. THAT'S how effective this is going to be. But please consider that it's really a "scorched earth" policy.
Cons:
Um, everything? Setting aside the obvious potential for assault charges, there's also the potential for retaliation. If you spend more of your time reading comedy sites than, say, boxing or lifting weights, there's an outside chance your target will dodge or otherwise not be incapacitated with your hay-maker. That one punch knockout thing usually only happens in Batman comics. And once that volunteer gets to his feet, he's got a brass bell in his clobberin' hand. If you're in a big city, he might even have pepper spray or a tazer. Trust me, it's worth giving up the 65 cents in your pocket for not being lit up like Clark Griswold's house.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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