The Infiltrator: Resume for Disaster
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon  1,681  3
01/05/2010 08:41 PM 5099 views
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Do employers really care what's on your resume?
To find out, I went undercover, applying for various jobs in the San Francisco area using fake resumes. My goal was to make my resumes more and more insane, and also to steal at least one pen during each interview.
Another book I won't be writing.
PREPARATION
1 stack of fake resumes
1 white shirt
1 tie
1 pseudonym ("Willis Drummond," from Different Strokes)
1 firm handshake (crucial for the interview process)
1 strong eye-contact ability (also crucial)
1 minty-fresh breath!
INTERVIEW #1: THE "FLAKY-GUY" RESUME
JOB APPLYING FOR: Management position for sports promotion company
RESUME CONTAINS: All jobs last no longer than two months. One job begins and ends in the same month. My education background lists six different colleges in three years. Also, a mysterious five-year gap in between one job position.
I'm wearing a tie. People respect you if you wear a tie. It puts you in the category of "tie-wearers." I walk into a sterile office with a loud radio playing bland top 40 music. This is the kind of working atmosphere that drives people to drinking. The reception area is filled with nervous job applicants, all dressed the same. Immediately, I steal a pen.
In groups of three, we are brought in for an interview. I wait for my fake name to be called. A bubbly woman leads a well-dressed man, a well-dressed woman and myself into a private office. The bubbly woman gives us the spiel. The position is a five-level managerial training program which promotes ski areas in Lake Tahoe. I utilize my mastery of strong, direct eye-contact [Figure 1], occasionally punctuated by an attentive nod.
Figure 1
"The key to this job is being a 'people-person,'" the bubbly woman tells us. "The kind of people we hire are the types who were class clowns, and maybe a little Coleridgey! How do you rate yourself as a 'people-person' on a scale of 1-10? Don't be modest."
The question is thrown at the well-dressed man. He answers with a modest 8. Then the well-dressed woman answers with a 10. No modesty here! The bubbly woman looks at their resumes, asking various questions about their work history.
"Willis, how do you rate yourself as a 'people-person'?"
I pause for dramatic effect.
"Does the scale go higher than 10?!" I let out the loud laugh of a casino pit boss. Can I push her buttons, or what?! She eyeballs my resume.
"My people person knob goes to 11"
"You sure worked a lot of jobs in the last few months."
"Yeah, I like to jump around. It keeps things exciting." I momentarily get serious and utilize direct eye-contact skills. "I'm trying to find the right job, which I hope this will be, where I'll enjoy going to work everyday. A place where I get to work with people!"
This answer pleases her. She goes back to my resume.
"And what did you study in school, Willis?"
"I switched around a lot! I started in chemistry and ended up in history."
The bubbly woman wraps up the interview. First she dismisses the well-dressed man, hinting at a prospect of being in touch. The she does the same for the well-dressed woman. The bubbly woman waits till they both leave, and leans forward in her chair.
"Willis, I like your attitude! I want to book you in for tomorrow! That way you can see the daily operation and decide if the job is right for you. Be here tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. Wear a shirt and tie!"
CONCLUSION: Well Frost-me-sideways! My flaky resume got me hired! Being a master of direct, attentive eye-contact must do the trick when a job requires being a "Coleridgey people-person." Maybe she thought I was a "class-clown" type, seeing that my resume was a joke!
EPILOGUE: The next morning, when the bubbly woman called to see why Willis didn't show up for work, I told her that he had fled the country.
Next: The "Hinting at a Nervous Breakdown" Resume!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
19 votes
3.8
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0 votes
0.0
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2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 9,128  6
01/05/2010 09:32 PM
"Does the scale go higher than 10?"
What'chu talkin' about Willis?
Sorry, it's obligatory
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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GenericGuy 275 5
01/05/2010 11:00 PM
But did you steal a pen?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,802 23
01/06/2010 03:02 AM
That "job interview" sounds like it was for a commission sales job with no expense account or expense reimbursement. The kind of job you work for a couple of months before you don't owe them any more money. In other words, they were looking not for the most qualified person, but for the biggest sucker.
Congratulations?
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0 votes
0.0
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William B 0 1
01/20/2010 03:02 PM
The naked truth!
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