My mission was to take a series of insane resumes on job interviews, to see if anyone really read them. [Read Part 1 here.]
INTERVIEW #2: THE "HINTING AT A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" RESUME
JOB APPLYING FOR: Salesman for a bakery supply company
RESUME CONTAINS: My education background says I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from Cambridge University in England with a degree in Quantitative Physics. My first job is listed as a computer software salesman for a fictional high-tech company in Silicon Valley. My work experience digresses to selling used cars, with a five-year gap between my current job, which is working at Kentucky Fried Chicken. At KFC I'm responsible for "chicken sales."
And "sanitation oversight."
The key to sales is selling yourself to the interviewer. The address given to me over the phone takes me to a doctor's office in the middle of Chinatown. I walk into the waiting room, where there's nothing resembling bakery supplies.
An old man, with his sleeve rolled up, jabs at his elbow, howling something in Chinese to the receptionist. Then he passes gas.
"Excuse me," I beg, "I've come for an appointment concerning something non-medical. Have I come to the right address?"
"Ah yes, have a seat," says the lovely receptionist. I wait for a half hour, watching sick people come and go. Finally, a very tiny Chinese man wearing a stethoscope appears. He is no larger than a child!
"Be right with you."
Then he disappears. I wait another half hour. Finally the tiny man reappears. I follow him into his office. I hope he doesn't make me get into a hospital gown, then turn my head and cough. The tiny doctor explains he just started a business which he needs a salesman for. He studies my resume like it were a broken femur. He notes my Cambridge educational background.
"Aah, you're from England."
"Yes I am, mate," I say, conducting the rest of the interview in a fake British accent.
He explains the nitty-gritty. "The job involves selling cheesecake. We only sell cheesecake! Also: cheesecake products."
I lose it. I'm openly laughing, biting my lip while trying to think about bad things.
"That's so funny, because I used to have a job similar to that," I smirk, trying to cover up my giggling. Is "cheesecake and cheesecake products" like "propane and propane accessories"?! Is this a joke being played on me?! I'm sitting in a doctor's office in the middle of Chinatown, being interviewed for a cheesecake sales job by a very tiny doctor! What's wrong with this picture?
Cheesecake and cheesecake products.
With my powers of direct eye-contact, the tiny doctor explains that the job requires selling cheesecake to hotels and restaurants. The tiny doctor's eye bypasses my Kentucky Fried Chicken experience, glances over the five-year gap in job history, and asks questions concerning used car sales techniques. He wonders how I would apply it to his cheesecake. I bring the focus back to my current fast-food experience.
"When I'm working at Kentucky Fried Chicken, I try to be a "people-person," gain the customers' trust, then suggest they buy extra-crispy or a little bucket parfait."
"Aaah," says the tiny doctor. Then he pulls out a piece of paper with four names on it.
"I have a few more people to interview, so I'll give you a call."
CONCLUSION: Having a 4.0 GPA from Cambridge University doesn't cut it when it comes to cheesecake sales.
WAS THERE A GOOD PEN TO STEAL? No, I never got to handle a writing implement. I almost pocketed a tongue depressor, though.
Next: The "Prison" Resume!
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