I was infiltrating the world of job interviews, using a series of resumes that were growing progressively more insane. [Read Part 1 here.]
INTERVIEW #3: THE "PRISON" RESUME
JOB APPLYING FOR: Selling window installations over the phone to random people.
RESUME CONTAINS: A stint at San Quentin Prison, where I had three years' work experience in the tool shop.
"Cozy studio apt, 20 yr lease, room and board included"
Selling window installations over the phone must be one of the worst jobs known to humanity. Sounds like the aluminum-siding scam of the 2000's.
I'm buzzed into the office. There are many energy-saving awards on the wall. My interview is supposed to be with a woman named Virginia, but the receptionist says she is at lunch. She pages Virginia, telling me to take a seat and fill out an application.
"Would you like a Coke or something?" she asks.
"I'll have a mineral water."
"What?"
"A water is fine."
"These look just like the mugs we used in prison!"
She goes in the bathroom and comes back with a stained coffee cup filled with tap water. I sip it as I finish the application. There's a line saying "Have You Ever Been Convicted Of A Felony?" In parentheses it says, "(This Will Not Affect Your Application)". I check the box marked "Yes."
The phone rings. It's Virginia. She apologizes profusely.
"I'm sorry. I forgot we had an interview."
What! I need to be interviewed NOW! Right now, for one of the Shakespearetest jobs known to humanity.
"We just hired a guy yesterday, but why don't you put your resume and application in my box, I'll take a look at it and give you a call next week if the guy doesn't work out."
Disgruntled by having the interviewer not show up for the interview, I scribble in the line asking to explain my felony charge; "Violent murder. Froster was eyeballing my bitch!" I could have been a little more subtle. I hand my resume and application to the receptionist and leave.
CONCLUSION: You should always keep job interviews with violent murderers.
WAS THERE A GOOD PEN TO STEAL? No. It was stained like the coffee cup.
EPILOGUE: A few days later, I get a message on my answering machine. "Willis, this is Veronica from the Save Energy Company. Could you give me a call. I wanted to talk to you to see if you still need work or if you found a job yet." Frost-me-sideways-once-again! Either she didn't read my resume, or prison and manslaughter experience is just what she's looking for.
Next: The "Technical Skills That Do Not Exist" Resume!
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