I was testing how many job interviewers actually read resumes, by making a series of fake ones, then using them on actual interviews. [Read Part 1 here.]
INTERVIEW #4: "TECHNICAL SKILLS WHICH DO NOT EXIST" RESUME
JOB APPLYING FOR: Office worker
RESUME CONTAINS: Office experience involving technology that doesn't exist in reality, especially the fabled "Cromwall 47 Tech-System" and the "Tele-Server 1 Phone System."
I imagine the Cromwall to look like this.
And the Tele-Server 1 to look like this (circa 1968).
Along with my resume, I fill out a form asking if I'm competent in such basic office-tech as JavaScript and Microsoft Word. I answer "no" but I write about my proficiency in "Cromwall 47." When finished, I'm corralled into an office by a pleasant, smiley woman.
"What attracted you to our ad?"
"The fonts. I liked the fonts. Was that done with a Cromwall 47 Tech System?"
She doesn't think so. Looking over my resume, the smiley woman asks about my office experience.
"I have a lot of phone experience with the Tele-Server 1 Phone System."
She drops her voice to a whisper. "What is that?"
I embellish on the Tele-Server 1, employing my strong, direct, eye-contact. "It's software which works on your computer screen hooked to your retinas. If you're working on your computer, all you have to do is change screens and transfer the call by blinking!"
"Maintain strong, direct eye-contact with the computer."
"It's amazing what they can do now!" she says, impressed.
"The technology changes everyday," I say, nodding my head.
"Do you have experience with Lotus or JavaScript?"
"No, but I have plenty of experience with Cromwall 47, which does virtually the same thing!"
Impressed by my knowledge of superior, fictional software, the smiley woman suggests that I'm over-qualified for the office worker position, giving me the phone number of Mactemps instead, who hire people with high-tech backgrounds.
CONCLUSION: Avoid lying so much on your resume that you become overqualified for the job.
WAS THERE A GOOD PEN TO STEAL? I ended up stealing 4 pens!
EPILOGUE: Go figure. I actively tried everything possible to keep from being hired, and I still landed two job offers in one week. So next time you find yourself without work, fear not -- there's always a future for an unskilled man from prison who can maintain strong, direct eye-contact.
Harmon Leon is an American journalist and humorist, and the author of five books, including The American Dream. Follow his infiltration exploits at Freedomhaters.org.
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