ZukeTheRed 546 6
01/08/2010 08:57 AM

I immediately yelled over to my buddy, "Hey man, hop in, get a ride to the lot!" He just sort of narrowed his eyes and said he was good. So off we go, and when we arrive there, she pulls into sort of a secluded spot way off in the back corner. I pop the door, ready to get out, when she leans in for the kiss. Being the smooth operator that I was (an am, sadly) as she leaned in I panicked and leaned back and fell out the door on my ass. Her face froze for a second, mid-pucker, and she dissolved into laughter. Guffaws, really. I never talked to her much after that.

The time after that I was still in college but was spending the summer at a different one in North Carolina. I initiated the old cry on the shoulder routine with this girl who was going through a rough time with her Emerson boyfriend. We would go to the local IHOP where she would bitch about the situation and how nice I was etc etc. She was interested in me, but I was interested in Crispy Banana Caramel Cheescake.

I probably should have gotten the hint when she invited me to spend the weekend at her house in South Carolina. I did not, of course. When we got there, I was initially situated in the guest bedroom downstairs, and she was in her room upstairs. Before turning in for the night, she tells me sometimes her now ex-boyfriend would come upstairs when he stayed over and they would have sex. Then she went to bed. Being the smooth operator that I was (aaaaaand am, sadly), I went to the guest bedroom and fell asleep.

KChikita Banana 128,446 98
01/08/2010 09:12 AM

DUDE!

ZukeTheRed 546 6
01/08/2010 09:18 AM

Hmm, KChikita -- first to post on both my threads. Wait, do you want to have sex with me?

Oh, and the above is all completely true. I am THAT much of an idiot.

The Mailman 176,467 56
01/08/2010 09:27 AM

When I was about 14 years old, I had a big and obvious crush on a girl at school. She was interested in me too, but I was just as good in picking up signals as ZukeTheRed up there, plus I was very shy, so I never actually made a move.

One day, she sent me a signal that was so loud that I finally managed to pick it up:

- "Hey, I'm going to the movies on Wednesday with my friend and her boyfriend. They're gonna be making out during the entire movie, and I don't want to sit there beside them like an idiot, wanna come with me?"

Given this blatant opportunity for an intentional walk to first base and probably a shot at stealing second, I brilliantly replied:

- "Sorry, I can't. My mom told me she would take to see that same movie this coming weekend."

KChikita Banana 128,446 98
01/08/2010 09:42 AM

DUDE!

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
01/08/2010 09:44 AM

This would be me if I were ever single. Fortunately I somehow ended up married to my high school girlfriend. It's been so long I truly don't remember what it's like to be single and I think that if I ever were single again, I'd die alone naked in a closet with a rope tied around my neck and not be discovered until the people in the room above mine started to complain about a strange odor.

I think this makes my wife very happy and confident in our relationship.

But in a good way.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
01/08/2010 10:02 AM

This happened on NYE. We started at a Japanese restaurant I ordered sake with my meal. Next to the bar, I stuck to beer until midnight when I had the obligatory glass of champagne. Now she really loves champagne and she wanted another glass so I had one or three more with her. Then I ordered a bourbon. Now it should have been a hint when she said are you sure? I want to have New Year's sex and you're pretty drunk. I said one more drink can't hurt. I don't remember the cab ride home. I don't remember getting into bed. I do remember my girlfriend texting all of my and her friends the next morning about my case of "whiskey dick"

A new decade of Ravos 63,472 21
01/08/2010 10:35 AM

There was one instance where it was so blatant I can't believe I screwed it up. There was another where I didn't screw it up, she was just sending me the wrong signals.

So, the first was at a house party. There were these 3 girls who showed up together. One of them splits off to get with my friend, and I started talking to the other 2. One of the girls is showing a definite interest in me, but at the time, I had a girlfriend who was out of town. She begins feeding me wine, and I just view it as a friendly gesture. Then one of my friends has to leave, and he comes by to say goodnight, and says "Hey, you two should kiss right now" and just sorta pushes us together. We kiss. After that, she asks if I want to go for a walk. We go for a walk. We make out. We go back to the party to drink more. I am already pretty drunk by this point. We get back inside and continue to make-out, but nothing more comes of it. I break up with my girlfriend because I felt guilty, as I probably should have. I have a party a few weeks later and invite her. We make out some more but nothing more comes of it. I talk to her after and ask her out to dinner, being the classy guy I am. She says she isn't looking to date, and I never hear from her again.

A new decade of Ravos 63,472 21
01/08/2010 10:39 AM

The second instance was with a girl I was pretty much infatuated with, but was way out of my league. Met her at a couple parties which a mutual friend hosted. We became friends and I got invited to a few parties at her place. She ended up asking me one night if I wanted to hang out with her, she would make me dinner and we could watch a movie at her place, and that I could crash there. She makes me dinner, it was good. We watch a movie. Afterwards, she is like "I'm going to bed. You can sleep on the futon in the living room" and I am just baffled. But I was infatuated with her and kept trying to get with her for the next few months. Then one day she got pissed off at me because I disagreed with her on something, and she completely cut me off. I was like "Oh well, I probably wasn't gunna get any anyway" and just moved on. Turns out she basically went batShakespeare crazy and alienated all of her friends.

Phla hates you and your year. 131,068 34
01/08/2010 10:52 AM

DUDE!

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/08/2010 10:52 AM

Sadly, I have those all beat.

I was 16, and a mutual friend introduced me to this little blond bombshell. We got to talking and when she found out that I played the bass, she asked if I would teach her how to play that weekend at her grandparents house.

At the predetermined time I showed up and failed to realize that something was amiss when she didn't have a bass to learn to play. I sat up my rig and started showing her some basic licks and fingerings (on the bass), but she was more interested in talking about me.

Totally clueless, I continuted on trying to show her how to play Iron Man, until she got up and pulled something out of her dresser drawer. She held the object behind her back and swayed seductivly towards me.

"Close your eyes." she whispered, and I complied in total confusion. "Okay you can open them now." she said anxiously.

When I did, the sight that I beheld was so new and exciting to me that my brain just quit working. Right there, 6 inches from my face was a polaroid of her nude from the waist up.

Boobs! Right there! My jaw dropped, my eyes bugged out, and other parts of me acted appropriately, but to my dismay the connection between my brain and my mouth shorted out on a nipple.

When I finally recovered, I could have said about a thousand witty things that would have made that day THE DAY, the best of which would have been something like, "The only way those could look better would be in person." Instead my traitorous mouth spilled out only two words.

"Thats nice." I said sheepishly. She stood there, obviously upset by my lack of reaction, as I sat there still in a state of boob shock. She quickly stashed the photo that nowadays would get her a Manufacturing of Child Pornagraphy charge and made up an excuse to end the lesson. Still bewildered, I left never to hear from her again.

I'm going to go cry now.

2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 11,330 11
01/08/2010 11:21 AM

Well, at least some of you have had someone show interest in you. Other than my wife, I can't recall any instance of the fairer sex showing any interest in having sex with yours truly. Either my life is completely pathetic or I'm so Frost-ing thickskulled that I didn't realize that there was even a chance. It's probably both.

Underwhelmed by 2010 101,398 77
01/08/2010 11:23 AM

Boys are dumb. Spicey didn't realize he had a chance with me at all until I showed him my tits.

ZukeTheRed 546 6
01/08/2010 11:32 AM

Tits are something even we understand. But yeah Cyco, I think those times were my three strikes. Nothing, not even any near misses since. Guess I'm screwed now, and not in the good way.

2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 11,330 11
01/08/2010 11:37 AM

At least there's always ham and watermelon. There's no mixed signals there, you just make a hole for your junk and then plow away.....or so I've been told.

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/08/2010 12:02 PM

This has dredged up some really depressing memories, so I will share another for your amusement.

I had asked this freshman girl out when I was junior in high school and she was very excited about it, probably because I had a car. I picked her up she asked me if I knew of any secluded spots where we could park. This being in Arkansas, there were more secluded spots than there were people to hide in them, so I quickly pulled off onto a dirt road that lead to an old abandoned shed.

I parked the car, and once again I discovered that I didnt even have the place where you would put the antenna needed to pick up come-get-me signals. Of course I did what I always did when someone told me to find a nice out of the way spot, and started rolling a joint.

Her eyes got as big around as quarters and she freaked the hell out as I sat there wondering what the big deal was. I stashed everything and said "Okay, sorry I thought that was why you wanted to find a quiet place before we went to the bowling alley. Lets go ahead and take off and forget this ever happened."

"NO!" she exclaimed. "Take me home now!" so we left for her house. On the way she started crying and mumbling stuff like, "I thought you were the one." and "It was going to be special." The closer we got to her house the madder she got, and by the time I dropped her off she was fuming. Luckily, instead of narcing me off to her folks, she chose a more physical avenue of revenge and hit me in the face with her purse before she exited the car.

Then I got high.

I have more evidence as to why I had to move out of town and go to college before I got laid, but this is bumming me out. Somebody flash me, quick!

The Mailman 176,467 56
01/08/2010 12:11 PM

Boys are dumb. Spicey didn't realize he had a chance with me at all until I showed him my tits.

Considering you showed your hooha to the entire world, you're lucky he realized it then.

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/08/2010 12:12 PM

Considering you showed your hooha to the entire world except for Brad, you're lucky he realized it then.


Fixed!

Filly 39,193 20
01/08/2010 12:28 PM

All of this is really depressing, and since I'm a hot girl and I don't have stories where I didn't get some when I wanted to, I'll share some highlights of a favorite moment:

It's 4 am. Edinburgh, Scotland. It's light out, and me and this guy are wandering down a street, randomly shoving each other into doorways. I end up going down on him in one of said doorways, and he goes down on me in a secluded stairwell between streets. The night ends in a steamy shower.

Good times.

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
01/08/2010 12:35 PM

Hmmm, maybe you misunderstood the theme of this thread?

Yes?











YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frost-ing YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,048 22
01/08/2010 12:40 PM

You guys are such pessimists.

Not getting laid only seems like a bad thing in certain contexts, like when you say something dumb or offensive to a hot chick. But if you think about it in the context of standing next to large men at the urinal, it's actually pretty good.

I frequently don't get laid and it's awesome.

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
01/08/2010 12:53 PM

This is a near-miss story, in keeping with the theme of the thread, (so for you slowpokes, I did get laid - but I almost didn't).

I was 16ish, and partying at a friend's place up the street from my house. My then-girlfriend, (now wife), was there, with a friend of hers, and we were all drinking & having fun. I guess my friend's parents were out. Or maybe dead. I dunno, he wasn't that good a friend. We played quarters, we did shots, we were all sorts of sloppy drunk and growing increasingly friendly with our counterparts. My girlfriend called home to tell her parents she was staying at her friend's house, her friend called HER parents to say the same, and my buddy & I nudged one-another with that "Oh yeah, we're getting LAID!," look.

As fate would have it, that was the first time God blessed me with a migraine.

Never having had one before, I didn't know wtf it was, just that my head was ready to explode, and if I couldn't find the Froster who was stabbing my eye with that icepick, I would be required to take my own life. Someone suggested that I go "sleep it off."

I retired to my friend's bedroom, which he graciously said I could use to crash. I guess he didn't want me skanking up his parent's room. Probably a good call. I went upstairs & crawled into bed, begging the Lord Jesus to either take me now or cure me, and that I didn't really care which.

Sometime later, I awoke due to some incredible sensations emanating from my nether regions. I looked down to find my girlfriend, (now wife), deliciously locked onto my unit, giving me the best BJ I've ever received.

This led to more activities, but I'm a Frost-ing gentleman, and we don't kiss & tell.

Underwhelmed by 2010 101,398 77
01/08/2010 01:04 PM

Considering you showed your hooha to the entire world except for Brad, you're lucky he realized it then.

Not my fault you weren't around here back then! I don't even have the picture anymore, but I'm sure if you ask around someone saved it. That's kind of a skeevy thing to ask strangers for though - better check with Chickens or Chance.

ZukeTheRed 546 6
01/08/2010 01:25 PM

One time my absolute idiocy and un-smoothness actually came around full circle and I blurted out the correct thing to say. I was about 16 at the time, and I was taking the bus home from school (the public bus, ugh... our school district didn't have buses for high school kids) and this cute girl was sitting there with her friend and eyeing me.

I naturally looked away. She asked me if I thought she was pretty totally out of the blue, so I muttered something noncommittal. Bingo! She got this gleam in her eye, leaned forward and said "I will prove it to you!" She then proceeded to give me a lap dance on the bus, which combined with the all the potholes made for an interesting, um, ride.

The bus driver actually yelled back after a while for us to cut it out. Bastard.

So, I basically got Coleridgeblocked at 16. Worst part is, that's about the year I peaked.

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/08/2010 01:32 PM

Yeah I think I'll pass. I am not creepy enough to ask one stranger for a nudie pic of another stranger, who was also a stranger to the person in the pic, even on the internets. Although it might make a good plot for a French movie.

Its a bad time of year for those kinds of pics anyway. Most Beavers have grown in their winter pelts by now and look like they have either Don King or Yahoo Serious in a scissor lock.

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
01/08/2010 03:59 PM

I'm not proud, if you've got it, send me the pic. email in profile.

Underwhelmed by 2010 101,398 77 shines bat-signal into the sky
01/08/2010 04:38 PM

I actually wouldn't mind seeing what my vajayjay looked like 4 years ago either. If anyone was desperate enough to save a copy of it, please send it to me as well!

Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
01/08/2010 05:11 PM

Once, a cute girl in my class asked me to tutor her in Math. I agreed and we met regularly for tutoring sessions. I was a little frustrated by the fact that she seemed to know almost as much as I did and didn't really need tutoring.

After a time she decided to end the lessons. I told her that was good because she was pretty good at math and didn't really need tutoring.

It was years later before I understood that if a girl asks you to tutor her in a subject that she already knows, it means that she wants you to stick your penis in her. She got knocked up by someone else Senior year, so I figure she finally got tutored by someone who was a little more savvy than me.

Personally, I think women should stop expecting us to read "signals". If you want me to stick my penis in you, then you should just say so.

Underwhelmed by 2010 101,398 77
01/08/2010 05:15 PM

If you want me to stick my penis in you, then you should just say so.

Yes. Attention all women of GAB - if you'd like my husband to stick his penis in you, please say so now. I'll be over to Frost-ing kill you in a few minutes.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
01/08/2010 08:12 PM

I feel bad for all you guys; at least you know someone was interested in you. If you want any dating advice; I can give you a few pointers. Can't say they'll be lots of help, as I'm more of a tomboy.

Try the direct approach; head held high say: I think your cute and nice let's go to dinner, museum, or art gallery(need some place to talk and laugh).

If she says no; tell her: Ok thanks anyway. Then if she reschedules- I'm available such and such time. She's into you.

Don't let embarrasment stop you from asking. It just like when you do anything; your crap at first then get better at it as you practice more.

Always be clean and fresh smelling. Unless your working on the yard, the car, or with animals. Don't power on the cologne. You want her to be close to you when she smells you. Closeness=intamacy to women. Well hope this helps someone.

The High Priestess 58,964 29
01/09/2010 07:01 AM

How's this story: I was getting sex, but the guy was Canadian.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
01/09/2010 06:21 PM

Is Canadian the code word for homosexual now? 'Cause didn't it used to be the code word for black? And that wouldn't make sense in this case.

A new decade of Ravos 63,472 21
01/11/2010 04:11 AM

I thought it was the code-word for someone from Canada.




...eh?

KChikita Banana 128,446 98
01/11/2010 04:56 AM

I don't understand girls who are totally interested in a guy until he does something like what's mentioned above (i.e., "That's nice.") and then give up. I'm a little more obsessive determined than that. Why not use it to your advantage, or better yet, JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT??

Jeeni.app Version: 2010.1.1 47,809 51
01/11/2010 05:24 AM

Speaking of not getting the signal, or maybe sending the wrong signal... By having my hair in a short haircut, does it scream gay? (Not that there's anything wrong with being gay!)

When I was in college, a girlfriend of mine hit on me. I had expressed wanting to shave the underside of my hair off in the back of my head, like hers was - which I thought was punk & would be cooler in the summer. (crazy kids!)

I didn't realize she hit on me that day, until soon after - she stopped hanging around with me. I was baffled for a little while as to why she disappeared & was sad to lose a friend.

The same thing happened previously while I was in a job I had after high school. I was working for the Deb Shops clothing store. I was arranging bathing suits and made a comment to a friend/co-worker that all the bathing suits were ugly. She invited me to sunbathe naked on her rooftop with her after work. I declined (because of poor self body image), and she also stopped wanting to hang out with me.

I do wear sensible shoes, but it's only because I don't want to get blisters on my feet!

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
01/11/2010 06:26 AM

Hey Jeeni, I cut my hair like that back when I was a teenager - all shaved underneath. Actually, when I married my first husband, I was 18 and it was still like that. The hair stylist went to work on an up-do for my wedding, and then quickly decided I should have my hair down for the ceremony.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
01/11/2010 06:27 AM

Um, I'm also not a lesbian.



And I'm not hitting on you right now.

Unless, well, you like me. Do you like me?

Circle one: Yes No Maybe

Madness 4,366 10
01/11/2010 06:55 AM

I spent most of my formative years playing video games, which turned me into one of the most socially awkward bastards to ever roam the earth. Being totally unable to tell the difference, I had a choice. I could either interpret ANYTHING coming from a girl as a signal and live a teenage life of heartbreak, disappointment, and scotch, or interpret NOTHING coming from a girl as a signal and live a teenage life of heartbreak, disappointment, and scotch.

In hindsight, I don't know why I chose the latter... The former had a much higher potential for hilarity. And vagina.

But in any case, I honestly don't remember the context in which this happened, or if it's possible she did this on a bet, but in grade 10 a girl who I had been on friendly terms with for awhile expressed an interest in watching me come out of the shower and ogling my junk. To which I replied "That's nice."

I love me.

MungChamp 35,891 35
01/11/2010 07:30 AM

Favorite story from a college buddy:

College friend was hooking up with a girl who is friendly with my wife. As the two were undressing she said "Are you sure you want to hook up, I really don't want to make a mess?" He said, "You are right, we should do this on the floor, so I don't have to clean the sheets".

They head to the floor, she gets in doggy style position and he proceeds to put it in her butt and come after several quick pumps. He left as soon as he was done and came over to give us the play by play. We inquired further as the story seemed odd and asked if they had been talking about having anal sex the whole night. He said, "no it all just sort of happened" and we gave him the obligatory high five.

Later that night my wife comes over and says "What's the deal with your friend? My girl tells him she is on her period and he sticks it in her butt? She said it all happened so quickly and he came so quickly she was just shocked and didn't say anything to him."

I couldn't look at her in the face as I was laughing so hard. I really appreciated getting both sides of the story and having this all confirmed. I wish more miscommunication ended it butt secks.

Millie 116,988 28
01/11/2010 07:30 AM

Personally, I think women should stop expecting us to read "signals". If you want me to stick my penis in you, then you should just say so.

I have never not gotten sex when I wanted it. Probably because I realize that men are dumb and can't read them. If I want to have sex, I basically just throw myself at the guy and/or tell him I want sex. So far, it's worked pretty well.

And, Jeeni, I've had girls give me signals, too. I just ignore the signals. If they are so great at giving hints, they should be good at taking a hint, as well. If they get offended, tough Shakespeare.