Roid Rage: My Hemmorhoid Experience from Start to End, Part 3
A comedy article
by Jepperoni  58,758  13
01/13/2010 10:35 AM 1826 views
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However uncomfortable hemorrhoids can be [read Part 1 here], I discovered the procedure for having them removed can be far worse. After the treatment, however, the worst part was going back into public feeling like I had been trapped in a zoological exhibit with a sociopathic hippopotamus afflicted with one of those four-hour side effects you hear about on Cialis commercials.
Tools of the Trade: Weapons of Ass Destruction
Usually, the process of rubber band ligation to remove hemorrhoids is a quick and painless procedure. But when the hemorrhoids are internal and apparently located halfway up one's esophagus, as they were in my case, getting to them is excruciating and complicated, requiring refrigerated scopes and lubricants. Once it's over, you don't immediately feel like your body has been purged of some heinous abomination, but like you are about to purge some heinous abomination. In other words, you feel like you tried to cure a terminal case of dysentery by washing down half a box of Ex-Lax with Tijuana tap water.
I needed to get out of that doctor's office. As soon as he closed the door behind him, I was off of that bench like a shot. I reached down and pulled my pants up as fast as I could, then sat down to put my shoes on. It was only then that I realized I had forgotten to clean up the lubricant. If you've never done this, let me assure you that sitting down on an ass full of medical lube is one of the most disgusting feelings a person can encounter. It is like having a visit to a nude beach cut short because you accidentally sat down on a washed-up jellyfish (which is PRECISELY the reason I quit skinny dipping in the Philippines). I was left feeling soiled, dejected, and wishing that I had chosen a darker wardrobe.
With the pressure in my gut, I had no time to fret over a slick butt. I headed out the door only to be detained by the receptionist who demanded I make a follow-up appointment right then and there. With sweat pouring down my face and fire in my bowels, we spent another ten minutes discussing my work schedule, while I used every muscle below my waist to ensure the hospital janitor's job did not become more difficult than it already was.
The first indication that things could get unpleasant were the FINGERNAIL MARKS ON THE WALL
The hospital's restrooms were not clearly marked, so I had to go for broke and make it to my car. Forgoing the elevator, I marched right down the stairs and into the parking lot. It was only there that I noticed my walk had changed dramatically.
My left hand was planted on my hip while my right arm, extended ram-rod straight, swung to and fro to keep pace with my gait. With each step, my foot was planted directly in front of the other, almost as if I were traversing an imaginary tightrope. It was an extremely un-heterosexual manner of walking, and I am sure I resembled Claudia Schiffer if she were using a Milanese runway as her personal litter box.
As soon as I was aware of myself, I tried to switch to a more manly step, but was immediately confronted with the sensation of intestinal bloating. I felt as if I had a massive case of gas that could not be trusted. I tightened back up and finished prancing to my car.
The drive home was equally awkward. I couldn't bend my left leg, so I spent the entire ride stomping the floorboard as hard as I could. Ditto for my left arm, which was held out straight as well, and could just barely control the steering wheel. My butt remained hovering several inches above the seat. My right leg worked the accelerator and brakes, while my right hand fluttered about wildly as I tried not to claw fingernail marks in the dashboard.
Once home, I sped right to the bathroom where I spent the next hour doing absolutely nothing. Not a thing. Strangely enough, I didn't have to go. It just felt like I did. I even went back to work ... though admittedly, my butt trauma put a huge dent in my productivity. By the end of the day, I was even able to move again without imitating an out-of-wardrobe drag queen.
The next day I felt fine, and the day after that I was completely back to normal. By the weekend I was better than normal, with the procedure being a complete success. No more pain and no more itching! I could exercise better, sleep through the night, and spend a lot more time sitting down than I used to.
The only problem is that now I have new phobias about doctors, rubber bands, and anyone telling me "You want to relax yourself now."
If you enjoyed this article, be sure to check out My Experience With Chantix, in which the author tries to quit smoking using an anti-smoking drug that causes hallucinations.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
20 votes
4.6
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
01/13/2010 10:39 AM
I have a friend of a friend of a cousin of a parent of a friend of a hair stylist of a sister of an acquaintance of a taxidermist of a friend who went through something like this, and can vouch for how accurate your description is, especially the description of the pain.
And the medical lube.
Absolutely hilarious story -- going live on the homepage today!
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
01/13/2010 11:19 AM
Your charts were well worth the four clicks.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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D.B. Cooper 1,800 12
01/13/2010 11:41 AM
Another masterpiece Jepp.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
01/13/2010 12:26 PM
*stern look*
10 o clock, 2 o clock on the steering wheel. Anything else is unsafe!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Cyberwhere? 917 8
01/13/2010 01:12 PM
You need to relax yourself now, Pram...
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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The High Priestess 58,964 29
01/13/2010 02:44 PM
Fantastic job Jepp. Now I'll never get my 'roids taken care of.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
01/13/2010 10:03 PM
Now I'll never get my 'roids taken care of They don't usually treat women this way, because we will ususally come back for an appoinment. They must pounce on the guy then and there cause he ain't coming back to get surgery on his butt, after the exam.
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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dasypygal-unwaxed 14,803 17
01/13/2010 10:10 PM
My husband had 'roids once. He mistakenly poured a bottle of alcohol down his back and onto his anus. While he was writhing on the bathroom floor screaming at me to get the gun and shoot him, I peed my pants.
Long story short...my husband is still alive and those suckers never came back.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
01/14/2010 12:16 AM
You need to relax yourself now, Pram...
Per the LIVE T.O.S. I'm sure you're a nice person and have really sweet-smelling body gas, but who the hell are ya?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
01/14/2010 05:37 AM
I tip my hat to your superior bowel control. I recent shat myself vehicularly, on a trip that was less than 15 minutes, round trip. My various psychosi, (psychoses?, psychoseses?), have blocked me from remembering whatever I ate that night, but I remember rushing out to drive the younger girls to religious ed class at the church that is literally 7 minutes away. I knew it was a mistake within a minute of leaving the house, but, we were already late, as usual, so I puckered up, straightened the left leg, (is this a right-handed person's typical response?), and resolved to just get through it.
We made it to the church in 5 minutes, much to the horror and abject terror of my youngest offspring. Despite the repeated, and dire, warnings of, "I'm telling MOM!," I put pedal to the metal and swore softly under my breath.
On the return trip, I was slamming my foot against the floorboard so hard I bruised my heel. But, one pernicious speed bump proved to be too much for me, and there was an ungodly explosion from my backdoor. Fortunately, I retained just enough youthful athletic coordination to slam the truck into park, open the door & jump out as my bowels emptied.
Unfortunately, I didn't retain enough to drop my pants.
So, with an ass full of squish, I grabbed a beach towel from the back seat, and returned to my truck, with its cloth seats. Fearing a permanent soiling of the truck, I tried to hover over the seat for the remaining 3 minute ride home.
Upon my arrival, I duck-stepped to the powder room, and dropped onto the toilet. I peeled off the fouled garments and started rinsing them in the sink while I cleaned myself up. I was in there for 30 minutes. Upon exiting, my shorts & underwear went to the trash, and I went upstairs for a 30 minute boiling hot, scrubalicious shower.
Christ, I feel unclean again just telling this story. Back in a bit.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
01/14/2010 09:23 AM
It's probably because I lived on booze and dexedrine from the age of 16, but I had developed a nasty case of 'roids by the time I was 21. I walked around feeling like I had a hot golf ball up my ass for several years before I finally went to see the back door doctor. Actually, the day I finally decided it was time to do something about it was the day I woke up with so much blood in the bed that I started looking around for a horse's head.
I had a sigmoidoscopy done that day with no anesthesia, and I didn't care. I would have walked naked through midtown to get relief at that point. The very next day, I had the surgery. This was done before the days of the rubber band treatment, so I had the old-fashioned knife and fork operation. The weirdest thing was that they shaved my bunghole area before beginning. And the most painful thing was the series of novocaine injections they put directly into the poop chute walls. Either that or the next Shakespeare that I took. Wow. That log had to make it past the freshly stitched walls of my Shakespeare canal and also push out the wads of gauze they had packed in there. It felt like passing a crushed coke bottle.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
01/14/2010 09:24 AM
I've had a few flare-ups since then, but nothing like before. I have learned a few things, though, which I will recommend to any fellow sufferers.
1. Preparation H is not useless, unless you wait too long to use it. Get over yourself and shove a suppository (the cream IS useless) up there at the first sign of itching or discomfort.
2. Keep it clean. If there's any doubt that paper isn't getting you a spotless wipe-up, buy some baby wipes and finish up with those. Or see if you can get yourself on a schedule where you take your daily dump right before your daily shower.
3. Drink plenty of water. Then drink more. And eat a Frost-ing vegetable once in a while.
Anyway, JEP, great series! And thanks for the memories
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0 votes
0.0
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Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/15/2010 01:35 AM
Thank you all! And man, Whistler, I am glad I didn't talk with you before I went in or it might not have happened. The fork thing made me sweat!
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