What Not to Do When Someone Steals Your Towel
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,612  19
01/14/2010 05:27 PM 5371 views
|
|
I went to my gym recently, and hung my towel on a hook. When I finished my workout, I hopped in the shower, then came out to find my towel was gone.
Now, stealing someone's towel while they're in the shower is the oldest prank in the book. Since I run a site about pranks, this was embarrassing on so many levels: it was like a three-layer creme torte of humiliation.
When deciding whose towel to steal, choose wisely.
I peered into the locker room, where there were a number of elderly guys with pendulous scrotums, and a younger kid at the sink. No one I recognized. Could it be that someone took my towel by accident? I inspected everyone's towels, but it wasn't like I could ask an old dude for my towel back, after he had just finished drying his marbles.
If you're ever confronted with this prank, there's really only one way out of it, and that is to march right out, naked and proud. And not covering your private parts, either. The nude march is embarrassing, but it's the classy move; anything else puts you at the mercy of the pranksters.
I spotted a paper towel machine next to the kid at the sink, and began the Walk O' Shame. I was three steps away from the paper towel dispenser when disaster struck.
Like this, but nude.
My feet, dripping wet, made contact with a highly-waxed portion of the tile floor, and shot out from beneath me. Whoop-whup-whip! Picture the noise they make in cartoons when someone is slipping and trying desperately not to fall. I grabbed onto the only thing nearby, which was the kid at the sink.
Now, imagine yourself being grabbed by a naked middle-aged guy, with his saggy, hairy, wet body flailing madly -- it would be like being raped by Sasquatch. A truly horrifying experience for this innocent teenager, who will forever be afraid to visit the zoo.
Worse, he didn't help. He recoiled from my soggy grasp, leaving me to fall -- backwards! -- onto the cold tile floor. WHUMP! On my ass.
Now, imagine an entire locker room full of people who have stopped, mid-testicle, to look at you sprawled naked on the nasty, disease-ridden floor of the public locker room. True, this happens once a week to Perez Hilton, but for me it was a new experience. There were a lot of oohs and ouches, but no one came over to help me up. (Too gay.)
"That was graceful!" I said, brightly, then stood up and began grabbing paper towels. The dispenser had a motion-activated sensor, so I had to sit there, grabbing one tiny square of towel each three seconds, nude. It was like trying to dry a polar bear using Kleenex.
Damn you, enMotion, and your Star Trek paper dispensers!
As for the kid, he quickly got out of the locker room, but I heard him laughing uncontrollably as soon as he thought he was out of earshot (which he wasn't).
So: let this be a warning. If you ever get your towel stolen while taking a shower, you should march out proudly -- but please, for the love of God, try to wear flip-flops.
I never did find out where my towel went.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
40 votes
4.1
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054132875
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hilarious
14 votes
4.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054132877
Whistler P. McManus 141,410  23
01/14/2010 05:59 PM
there were a number of elderly guys with pendulous scrotums
Maybe if you weren't so busy looking at my sack, you would have recognized my face.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054132879
Old McRavos had a farm 34,260 10
01/14/2010 06:16 PM
A-boi-oi-oing.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
7 votes
4.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054132882
neilcm 118 5
01/14/2010 06:45 PM
Dripping wet, made contact with
his
disease-ridden
marbles.
He recoiled from my soggy grasp,
so I had to sit there, grabbing
a polar bear
mid-testicle.
WHUMP! On my ass
WHUMP! On my ass
WHUMP! On my ass
The polar bear
shot out from beneath me, it was like a three-layer creme torte of humiliation.
This is all I got from your story. Nice article by the way, had me rolling.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
4 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054132883
Old McRavos had a farm 34,260 10
01/14/2010 06:47 PM
Stay tuned for John's next article on what to do when someone steals your soap-on-a-rope!
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
4 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054132923
Kismet! 155 4
01/15/2010 02:03 AM
Something I've learned in my short time here: Without pics, it didn't happen. Especially when there's naked.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054133119
Jeeni.app 11,018 10
01/17/2010 06:59 PM
It could be worse. The kid could have concealed a video camera.
Funny story, John
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054133136
Pramable Lectern 53,371 11
01/18/2010 06:30 AM
What not to do when someone steals your towel:
Moon them!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054133478
William B 0 1
01/20/2010 03:06 PM
Very in an original way.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054133613
WhyMi 839 5
01/21/2010 03:08 AM
puts on his wool hat and robes while hiding a slightly damp towel under the desk
I'm afraid I see no language, persea, governing the "stealing of one's towel"....but perhaps my eyes aren't what they used to be. Feel free to look for yourself.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054137151
The Rockin' Donkey 76,817 12
02/06/2010 09:05 PM
Came for the Hitchhiker's Guide reference. Left happy.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054137537
WhyMi 839 5
02/08/2010 07:58 PM
[quote]Came for the Hitchhiker's Guide reference. Left happy./quote]
And yet not even a soccer mom to show for it? WTF?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054137555
TWSS - Yup. 14,706 8
02/08/2010 08:27 PM
I don't know very much about men's locker rooms but it never occured to you to borrow the shower curtain?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054137889
The Rockin' Donkey 76,817 12
02/09/2010 10:46 PM
[quote]Came for the Hitchhiker's Guide reference. Left happy.
And yet not even a soccer mom to show for it? WTF?[/quote]
I said I left happy. I didn't say I laughed.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054137890
Phla™ - Accept no substitutes 103,174 13
02/09/2010 10:59 PM
That reminds me... whatever happened to ringworm?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054137894
Thud 53,114 10
02/09/2010 11:18 PM
Someone used a fungicide?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054138070
WhyMi 839 5
02/10/2010 03:35 PM
I said I left happy. I didn't say I laughed.
Touche.
|
|
|
|
Share on your site: