Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/18/2010 12:19 PM

I picked a booger yesterday that was so dry and so deep that I felt it tickle the back of my throat when I pulled it out. My wife was not impressed.

Keyser Soze 176,467 56
01/18/2010 12:27 PM

Can I get some coffee? (...) I'm really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I'm not kidding, it was all thick and gooey.

UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
01/18/2010 01:36 PM

In my opinion, the best part of a cold is the cool things you blow out of your nose in the shower in the morning. Often with blood. Little aliens. Starts my day off right.

John Hargrave 128,751 73
01/18/2010 02:23 PM

I was eating banana pudding as I read this thread.

Nothing having to do with bodily functions, it's just not the ideal food for reading the posts above.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
01/18/2010 03:28 PM

One time I had diarrhea that smelled so bad, it made me vomit while I was still on the pot.

UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
01/18/2010 03:38 PM

Nothing having to do with bodily functions

Maybe not banana pudding, but butterscotch pudding I think of every time I get the squirts.

Millie 116,988 28
01/18/2010 07:52 PM

For a few years, my ears were really clogged up. For at least a year, I couldn't even hear out of my left ear and they always felt like they were full of fluid. My doctor at the time looked in my ears and told me to buy one of those ear-flushing things at the drugstore and use it. She was extremely disgusted by my ears. I tried it and it made the problem worse (what did I expect by a doctor with the last name Biggie?)

I switched to a different doctor and started seeing a nurse practitioner there. She looked in my ears, called another nurse, and told her to flush my ears out. The nurse came in with this metal flusher thing filled with hot water and a little kidney-shaped dish. Sweet mother of Jesus, you should have seen the crap that came out of my ears. It was all red and yellow with chunks in it. God, it felt good.

That nurse practitioner always checked my ears from that time on to make sure they were O.K. The problem was that because of allergies I was getting eczema inside my ears and the skin flakes and stuff were clogging the ear canal. I also supposedly have very narrow ear canals.

I loved that nurse practitioner, but now she's retired (I see her for ten years). I don't like the new one because she's a little snip and never checks my ears unless I ask her.

Cyberwhere? 917 8
01/18/2010 08:16 PM

Whenever I eat generic Froot Loops, my poo turns blue.

I Shakespeare you not.

Phla™ - Accept no substitutes 131,068 34
01/18/2010 10:09 PM

You guys are gross. I poop gumdrops and fart rainbows.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
01/18/2010 10:36 PM

My infamous onion sliver story:

Last weeekend Spicey and I were out shopping for a new couch. We were sitting in the showroom, and I had to fart, but instead of a noise, I made a mess. I felt this warm liquid sensation, and I jumped up off the loveseat we were sitting on and made a beeline for the bathroom - which was of course, at the very back of the store.

When I pulled down my jeans, I had a yellow-brown puddle in my panties. That wasn't all though - there was also a long, thin rectangular piece of onion.



I'm just glad it didn't end up seeping through onto the couch.

Only minutes before I had been drinking a strawberry milkshake. While talking to the salesperson, I became conscious of that fact, and I set it down on the coffee table.

He told me, "don't worry. This is just a floor model. Getting a little something on it won't matter."

That phrase did go through my head as I was racing to the bathroom. I'm fairly certain, however, that he would have retracted his statement if I had stained his couch with my ass slime.

Kismet! 168 6
01/19/2010 05:04 AM

A few weeks ago I was out in the garage having a wank organizing my workbench when I had a fast and furious urge to let one fly. No problem, right, everyone's asleep and I'm all the way out here, let 'er rip. I always though "shart" was an urban legend.. or just a product of the Urban Dictionary. I was mistaken. The next morning my roommates couldn't wait to ask me why I came tearing into the house at 2 am and took a 30-minute shower. I fended the questions off with a brusque "Never Mind" and made sure my formerly favorite underwear was buried deep in the trashcan.

dasypygal-unwaxed 14,803 17
01/19/2010 06:01 AM

Ladies of a certain age will appreciate this:

I was having a terrible period and got in the shower to wash. A giant blood clot fell out of my "Grand Canyon" and landed on the tub floor between my legs. As it began to get devoured by the drain, I had a urgent thought and pulled it back with my toe.

After I inspected it for a possible fetus I determined that it could continue its journey down the drain. Had there had been a dead almost baby, I would have saved it and buried it in the backyard later...because that's what proper people do, and I am a proper sort of person.

Helena Handbasket 1,889 13
01/19/2010 06:42 AM

Oh my sweet, sweet Jesus.

dasypygal-unwaxed 14,803 17 looks up
01/19/2010 07:22 AM

Holy crap, it speaks!

UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
01/19/2010 01:49 PM

This thread has officially crossed the line.

2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 11,330 11
01/19/2010 02:00 PM

One morning after jerking off and sleeping on my stomach having sex with my wife, my wang was so clogged up I aimed it at the toilet and pissed simultaneously on my feet and the wall.

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/19/2010 02:15 PM

Let's see, we have covered mucous, feces, urine, menstration, seminal fluid, and even cerumen.

Anyone have a good toe jam story?

Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
01/19/2010 04:18 PM

Once I was on the receiving end of some oral pleasure; when she came up for air my belly button lint was stuck to her nose ring.

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
01/19/2010 05:09 PM

Whenever I drip some pee on my pants while using a urinal I always make a big show of being splashy with the sink water as I wash my hands. That way nobody can tell it's urine and not just water.

Kind of tame compared to a shower fetus, but hey.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
01/19/2010 05:37 PM

When in Beauty school we learned and performed pedicures. There was this one woman who came in on a regular basis. She would have to find some brave soul to take on her toe. Nine of her toes were normal. The tenth toe had a tumor under the nail. The tumor would need scraped out before you could cut her toenails. I got to work on her toe tumor once. I made sure to use extra sanitizer in her foot bath and after to clean up. It was gross yellow and smelly. Like really bad fritos sitting in the sun. I would also where protective eyeware.

Cyberwhere? 917 8
01/19/2010 07:05 PM

I am rather notorious for having particularly noxious bodily emissions. Now, all I have to do is smile and everyone gets out of my way.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
01/19/2010 07:13 PM

I can drink a pint of Guinness and piss a quart of Miller Lite.

UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
01/19/2010 07:39 PM

You sure it was a toe tumor and not a shower fetus that she didn't notice from her morning shower all dried on there?

Madness 4,366 10
01/19/2010 07:41 PM

I was on the crapper letting fly a righteous splatter of glory at the time. I'm sure you know the kind, when you've eaten far too much of something with roughly as much fat as Rosie O'donnell. This gives your ass loaf the consistancy of Tenderflake not only in that it slides out smoothly, but in how it flakes apart and explodes into a black cloud of oblivion upon hitting the water.

Anyway, satisfied with my achievement, I began the cleanup process, only to have the strange sensation of something being pulled out of my cornhole. I inspect the offending piece of toilet paper only to see a completely undigested and intact bean sprout from the stirfry I had eaten the night before.

I'm also not particularly sure why, but at that precise moment in time I caught a waft of the most foul anal gas I had ever produced, completely different from the smell of what was in the toilet. This new beast smelled something like a pile of damp sugar rotting in a barn, if such a thing could exist.

All in all, it wasn't nearly as pleasant of an experience as I had initially anticipated.

John Hargrave 128,751 73
01/20/2010 11:57 AM

Click for "ass loaf."

Another one for "pile of damp sugar in a rotting barn."

Phla™- Accept no lobstertutes 18,572 33
01/20/2010 01:29 PM

I'm slightly proud of this one:

AC got a new truck, and it doesn't have power windows.
So, we're driving around and talking and being nice to each other when all of a sudden, I need to fart. I've lived with AC for 5 months at this point and not once had I passed gas in front of him. I tried to hold it in, but that of course didn't do any good. I managed to squeeze it out silently. It was godawful. But I wasn't about to say anything, because I didn't want him to know it was me.
Mid-sentence, AC turns to me and says, "Did you fart, or was that the creek we passed?" I told him we hadn't gotten to the creek yet, and then he proceeded to tell me that I was mean for making him stay in there with that and told me to roll down the window. I smiled inside, having accomplished something I never thought possible. I grossed out a boy for having noxious fumes.

Ravos iz in ur dreemz 63,472 21
01/20/2010 01:44 PM

I assume a lobstertute is a lot like a prostitute.

Lobstermatronic 18,572 33
01/20/2010 01:49 PM

Nah. I mostly did it to piss off Phla. I enjoy getting under her skin.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
01/20/2010 01:53 PM

Phla. I enjoy getting under her skin.

No way. Chance skin coats are much more supple.

Lobstermatronic 18,572 33
01/20/2010 02:36 PM

You know, you'se guys should calm down on crying about how much of a pain in the ass I am. I've been the set up for many of your jokes for almost 2 years now, and I think I deserve positive recognition for it.

BTW, Undies, that was a good one.

WhyMi 3,549 12
01/20/2010 04:08 PM

I was eating banana pudding as I read this thread.

Nothing having to do with bodily functions, it's just not the ideal food for reading the posts above.

Nah, Tapioca's MUCH worse.

Ravos iz in ur dreemz 63,472 21
01/20/2010 04:09 PM

You also posted for a good nine months almost exclusively about being pregnant. You also said you'd be leaving because of it, and yet here you are.

You constantly bring up how much you hate a certain member. Quite frankly, nobody cares. If you have an issue with a member, take it up outside of live, don't try to bring it up at every opportunity.

You blame not bringing the funny on anything and everything. "I'm grouchy", "I'm on my period", "Millie hates me", "AC farted", etc. We don't care.

I don't have an issue with you, or anyone else on here. But seriously, this whole pity seeking thing is getting tiresome. This is a comedy site. You can't take anything serious. I say stuff all the time which most people would probably take as an insult if I mentioned it anywhere else, but I don't say anything on here with malice or because I hate people, I say it because someone might find it funny, and I expect that every here can take a joke and not get bent out of shape over it.

The Mailman 176,467 56 stands up and cheers to initiate a standing ovation; realizes that it's too soon for that; sits down again and joins KChiki in the slow clap.
01/20/2010 04:17 PM

Boy, is my face red.

Ravos iz in ur dreemz 63,472 21
01/20/2010 04:22 PM

Mailman was a little premature? What has the world come to?

Filly 39,193 20
01/20/2010 04:23 PM

I've been the set up for many of your jokes for almost 2 years now, and I think I deserve positive recognition for it.

So...you're saying we should congratulate you for sucking so much? Nah.

The only one who could be in that position is AC and frankly I don't want to know about your sucking skills. Or lack thereof.

UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
01/20/2010 04:28 PM

We keep trying to get "don't suck" added to teh rules for this joint. I think that feature would have eliminated your two years of pain.

But before you rant and complain about it, try not sucking first. Much easier on everyone.

2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 11,330 11
01/20/2010 04:30 PM

You could always try blowing.

I'm just sayin'

The Mailman 176,467 56
01/20/2010 04:33 PM

I've been the set up for many of your jokes for almost 2 years now, and I think I deserve positive recognition for it.

Fine, here you go:

"You have single-handedly filled the void left by several former ZUG members. Namely: JillyWilly, MyNutzUrFace, Nathyn and JohnnyKielbasa."

WhyMi 3,549 12 starts ransacking his desk for his copy of the Zug Rule Book, Users Guide and "How to get blood stains out of carpet"
01/20/2010 04:39 PM

"don't suck"

It's NOT in there? You SURE???! Well Shakespeare, I've been wasting MY TIME!

Lobstermatronic 18,572 33
01/21/2010 04:15 PM

I wasn't complaining....

Nice of all of you to think of me, though, whilst I hijack yet another thread not about me.

Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
01/28/2010 09:14 AM

I can drink a pint of Guinness and piss a quart of blood.

There, that's more like Guiness...

The High Priestess 58,964 29
01/28/2010 09:53 AM

"You have single-handedly filled the void left by several former ZUG members. Namely: JillyWilly, MyNutzUrFace, Nathyn and JohnnyKielbasa."

What about the Foul Fowl?

The High Priestess 58,964 29
01/28/2010 09:56 AM

Adding to the thread:


I have long hair. It gets everywhere. I was extremely suprised the day while wipeing I found that there was hair in my poo. And hair connected two logs together. It was not the most pleasent feeling, then again I've never pushed a human out of my vagina.

Filly 39,193 20
01/28/2010 09:56 AM

Shh! We must not speak his name!

The High Priestess 58,964 29
01/28/2010 12:30 PM

The Foul Fowl is Voldermort?