Crappy Consumer Reports: Best Hangover Remedies, Part 3
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
01/19/2010 12:59 PM 2072 views
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My fellow scientists and I had selected our hangover cures, and gotten on with the hanging over [Read Part 1 here]. Now we were face to face with the beast.
Or were we?
I woke up Sunday morning sometime in the early afternoon with gas that can only be described as "epic." I don't mean it smelled all that bad, although it did, but the pain was unbearable. It had to be the Chaser Plus, as all I had consumed the night before was beer and split pea soup and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cherry Hazelnut cookies Kat had made.
However, I had no hangover. My head was not pounding. My stomach was not heaving. My breath smelled like the inside of an Emerson and my vision was blurry, but that soon wore off. In fact, I had safely avoided pretty much every single hangover symptom, other than incredible fatigue, which I attributed more to being up all night than being drunk.
I immediately took stock of my criteria, using the patented 1 to 10 scale:
RESULTS: Chaser Plus
Nausea: 0/10
Headache: 1/10
General feeling of Shakespearetiness: 3/10
I stumbled to the kitchen to find Doug ready for his Alka-Seltzer. The ingredients revealed the tablets to be nothing more than aspirin and caffeine. The weird thing is the instructions insist that you take two tablets in just four (4!) ounces of water, as opposed to the normal eight, which gives it a nice soupy appearance.
"A glass of aspirin, caffeine, and marketing"
Doug assured me the "Citrus Taste!" emblazoned on the package was just for show, as he definitely would not seek out that taste willingly. The problem we faced, though, was that Doug didn't really feel too hungover to begin with. He felt Shakespearety, to be sure, but he couldn't come right out and call it a hangover. Dutifully, though, he downed the concoction, leaving a weird jism-like residue in the glass.
"Plop plop, jizz jizz"
Lindsey was soon up and ready to try her greasy breakfast strategy, but while we were waiting for Ric's liver to dry out and his heart to restart, Doug started feeling funny. Actually, bad would be more like it. Pretty bad. It seems the mix of aspirin and caffeine on his empty stomach was not doing a lot to remedy his headache, but was doing a great job of burning a hole in his stomach lining.
RESULTS: Alka-Seltzer
Nausea: 5/10
Headache: 3/10
General feeling of Shakespearetiness: 4/10 (pre Alka-Seltzer)
General feeling of Shakespearetiness: 7/10 (post Alka-Seltzer)
It seems Alka-Seltzer makes you forget about your hangover by making you feel even worse.
Finally, though, we were treated to Ric's awakening:
The worst part of waking up.
He was incredibly, sickeningly eager to crack open that first beer, as the old "Hair of the Dog That Bit Ye" adage claims that the best way to bounce a hangover is to just keep Frost-ing drinking. Maybe whoever said that was drinking something different.
Who's ready for oatmeal?!
I actually felt bad for Ric, and offered to just snap a few pictures of him with a beer to his lips so he didn't have to go through with this, but he not only drank his beer, he got another and drank it, too. As we headed out to breakfast, we had to insist that Ric ride with us; he was hellbent on driving, most likely straight into a tree.
Once at the restaurant, we ordered our respective breakfasts and Lindsey, the pathetic vegetarian that she is, tried ordering French Toast. I quickly changed that to a slinger.
For when you just want to give up before you start.
For those who've never tried it, the slinger is a bed of starch (usually potatoes), a sheet of meat (in this case sausage, but bacon, hamburger, or all three are acceptable), a comforter of eggs (scrambled here), a duvet cover of chili (you can also find them with nacho cheese), and pillows of chunky chopped onions. Greasy? Hell yes. Helpful in dispelling nausea? Not so much.
RESULTS: Big Greasy Breakfast
Nausea: 6/10
Headache: 5/10
General feeling of Shakespearetiness: 8/10
Ric decided to go above and beyond by ordering a Bloody Mary with his Eggs Benedict. When that wasn't enough he tacked on a PBR. The man knows no limits when it comes to science. He happily informed me that the Hair of the Dog method had him feeling great, and had also instilled in him the confidence to get our waitress's number.
"Mr. Savoir-Faire"
For some reason, after watching the man down two alcoholic drinks in the span of 15 minutes while dribbling Hollandaise sauce on his pants, she was not receptive.
RESULTS: Hair of the Dog
Nausea: 2/10
Headache: 2/10
General feeling of Shakespearetiness: 2/10
Bonus newfound sexual confidence: 10/10
And there you have it. I've got to say, I plan on trying Chaser Plus again in the future even though there is still no scientific explanation that it could actually work. Of course if you're not down with the homeopaths, you could always just keep drinking.
Randall Cleveland is an improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He has trained and performed with the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and is currently performing in St. Louis with Knife Fight and Ghost Baby Abortion. Read more at his blog, Life With Randy.
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Hilarious
15 votes
4.3
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
01/19/2010 01:01 PM
Brilliant.
I want to create a spinoff sitcom involving Ric. It'll be called something like, "My Liver and Me."
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
01/19/2010 01:23 PM
Loss of one orb - no Peyton pic in this article. (Unless it's that last one that didn't/wouldn't/couldn't load for me - in which case, too Frost-ing bad)
Great series, though.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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KChikita Banana 124,281 89
01/19/2010 04:10 PM
I WIN!!
I told you those Chaser Plus things work. I agree that there's no scientific basis for it that I can find, but somehow they do thwart the majority of hangover symptoms.
I like to think it's magic.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Ravos iz in ur dreemz 62,361 20
01/19/2010 04:11 PM
And I think it's placebo!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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peoriagrace 6,153 11
01/19/2010 05:55 PM
I think it's vitamins and minerals from the herbal plants. I always find it funny that people will use plants to get high; but then think herbs can't be medicine. Shakespeare digitalis comes from foxglove, asprin from a tree's bark, valium from the plant valerian, and oppiates come from the poppy. It's all psychosomatic! You need a labotomy.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Thud 66,695 17
01/19/2010 08:21 PM
For some reason, after watching the man down two alcoholic drinks in the span of 15 minutes while dribbling Hollandaise sauce on his pants, she was not receptive.
She let a winner like that go? What the hell was she thinking?
As usual, great job.
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0 votes
0.0
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
01/19/2010 10:45 PM
Wait. Those are the colors you used in your ugly-ass bar chart? Really? REALLY?
Ugh. Subtract one more zug. Please, my screen does at least 16 colors, and you picked those 3? Jesus, was a frog stuck in your eye or something? (See, now you'd have a frog story, especially if you just lied & made some Shakespeare up - wtf, you're a freaking writer for Chrissakes - I gotta do everything?)
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0 votes
0.0
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TopHatSnake 3,138 10
01/20/2010 02:40 AM
as a college student, this would be GOLD, but for the fact that, despite my best efforts, I've never suffered a hangover. pisses my buddies off, to watch me drink all night, black out, wake on time, and go right to work like nothing happened. I have no explanation for this phenonena. so for that you get four orbs, and I will link-whore this like a two-dollar hooker. maybe my drinking friends will be able to keep up with me now.
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