I lost my job.
Big deal, you say. Lots of people lose their jobs, pal. But my case is different. And here's what separates me from the other 6,999,999 folks who lost their jobs last year: I was fired, from the State of Massachusetts, for (allegedly) STEALING A BANANA!
The other 6,999,999 million hobos who did not allegedly steal bananas (in brown)
The sad thing is I didn't even really want the job, and I took it only because my other retirement plans failed. Originally, I was on the "Die Young" retirement plan, made popular by Kurt Cobain and James Dean. But that plan backfired when I quit drinking, and taking drugs like a lab rat.
My backup retirement plan was to be killed by a terrorist. Then I remembered I live in Newton, Massachusetts, and we don't even have meter maids, never mind terrorists.
So it was on to Plan C, a job with The Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
I should have heeded the warning my first day on the job, when I walked past this huge state seal. If you look closely, the Native American guy seems to be holding ... you guessed it ... a large banana.
Working for the State of Massachusetts is like most government jobs: if you can manage to not get fired or die for 10 years, they'll give you a pension (!) and discounted health care for the rest of your life (!), no matter how much you suck at your job.
But before you think I'm going to say that everyone who works for the state is a troglodyte who couldn't find his own bunghole with a GPS, you're mistaken.
"Has anyone seen my bunghole? I've lost my GPS"
Most of the people I worked with were competent and caring, often dealing with a segment of the population whose lives are so disturbing that they should have their own planet. But then there were the others: the shadowy 5% who live an existence not quite human, but not quite plant. They get jobs because they're related to an elected official, banging a state HR professional, or part of an affirmative action program that requires a small number of plant people to be hired in every State job.
These are folks who not only have trouble walking and chewing gum, but walking or chewing gum. They can be spotted in emergency rooms with severely lacerated tongues, after failing to master a particularly difficult piece of gum.
The important thing to know is that NOBODY gets fired from the State of Massachusetts. NOBODY. Apparently the union has videotapes of elected officials with their "barnyard friends," because NOBODY EVER GETS FIRED FROM THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS!
There is one small loophole, however. Before you are admitted to the halls of The Union, where even serial killers are granted immunity from termination, you must first pass a 6-month PROBATIONARY PERIOD. During this period, employees must promise not to do three things:
1) DO NOT take a dump on the Governor's desk (unless you have a really, really good reason)
2) DO NOT get caught on tape doing anything wrong by an investigative journalist's "Eye Team." Do whatever you want -- no matter how sick, criminal or depraved -- just don't get caught by the Eye Team.
3) DO NOT be accused of stealing bananas by a minimum wage employee.
This last one was my undoing.
Please continue to Part 2: How It Went Down!
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