The Banana Prank, Part 3
A comedy article
by Johnny Plankton  701  5
01/20/2010 11:29 PM 2095 views
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I had been fired from a government job for allegedly stealing a banana [read Part 1 here]. Since bananas are apparently so scarce and valuable to the Massachusetts state government, I wanted to help correct the severe banana shortage.
It's nice to wear a different kind of monkey suit for a change
We set up a table with a huge pile of bananas, and a sign reading "Go Bananas Day." Dressed as a gorilla with incredibly perky nipples, I began to hand out bananas to my former co-workers and supervisors as they arrived for work.
"Would you care for something in a banana, ma'am? It's Go Bananas Day!" I bellowed in my most sophisticated monkey voice.
Even hardened State employees, at 8:00 a.m., were amused to receive a banana from a giant monkey. Most people smiled and took a banana; a few even posed for pictures.
I saw a group of women on break, having a smoke. "Good morning, ladies!" I yelled. "Do you know what goes good with cigarettes? Bananas! They're heart-healthy!"
Chiquita would have been proud. Had they actually been involved.
There are few things in life that excite kids more than monkeys, and many parents stopped to get a picture and a banana.
It was this little fella's birthday.
Disguised in my gorilla costume, I handed out bananas to many of my old co-workers, and of course some half human/half plant people.
Then we saw three cop cars pull up. But they weren't for us. They frisked a guy, found something and cuffed him, and took him away. I figured he was probably selling crack, because crack is Boston's second leading export, behind hot dogs. I gave the cops bananas for their hard work.
Finally, I saw my former supervisor coming towards me. In one of the most wonderfully ironic moments of my life, I asked him if he'd like a banana. Although he declined, I had the satisfaction of knowing that he would be surrounded by bananas all day long.
Many people stopped to take pictures of mini-Kong
Just as we finished handing out our second full case of bananas, a security officer from the building showed up. He was incredibly suspicious of the bananas, and asked to have our producer's name, phone number, and driver's license. He took our producer inside the building to be interrogated; as they were in there, one of the State supervisors walked by and asked, "There was nothing in those bananas, was there?"
We thought we were spreading mirth, but apparently had been spreading paranoia instead. I called my old co-worker later in the day, and got the rundown. People were wondering if the bananas were "sprayed with poison" by terrorist monkeys, for starters. My friend told one woman, "Just don't eat the outside peels. Eat the banana like a normal person."
She replied, "What if there are pins and needles in them?"
"Don't eat those either," he said in disgust.
The rumors spread like wildfire. The monkey was questioned by police, we were reporters from The Boston Globe taking pictures of the monkey being arrested, we were arrested for handing out bananas to schoolchildren, and so on.
So in hindsight, maybe it's better I don't work there anymore. I think I look pretty good in a gorilla suit. And besides, everyone there is kind of bananas.
If you enjoyed "The Banana Prank," you might also enjoy Sex Change at the 35th High School Reunion, in which our intrepid reporter attends a 35th high school reunion ... in drag.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.4
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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John Hargrave 116,491  19
01/20/2010 11:40 PM
Hilarious and well-written. Going on the front page today!
Although we handed out a vast number of bananas, there were quite a few left over. I've been eating nothing but bananas for the past five days: banana pudding, banana smoothies, banana pancakes, banana milkshakes.
If anyone has any good recipes for banana spaghetti or banana-infused pot roast, please let me know.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 8,184 6
01/20/2010 11:44 PM
Great story. I work for the State of Wisconsin (only as a contractor) and I think you've pretty much nailed every state job everywhere with your description. Except here in Wisconsin, it's about 75% plant people and I'm the one they call to fix their 'puter.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Brad Poynter 7,035 7
01/21/2010 12:31 AM
What you gonna do with all them banana peels, huh?
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Funny
6 votes
3.3
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UnderWhere? 72,604 13
01/21/2010 12:51 AM
I was once accosted by an irate store owner for stealing over $500 worth of lottery tickets. Apparently she had been ripped off by a chick "with brown hair and who looks pregnant." I went in that store to get a milk every single morning for a year and then because I matched such a vague description, I was screamed at and berated in front of an entire group of customers. She told me to never come into her store again.
This was worse for me because at that time, my ex and I had been trying to get me knocked up, and had been unsuccessful. To be told that I looked pregnant by an ugly, troll-faced mogbeast who was accusing me of being a thief was the last straw.
I ran sobbing back to work, and my boss went over there and reamed her a new one. My brown-haired boss actually was pregnant, and when she pointed out to the troglodyte that just about every other person could fit that description, the bitch realized how she had just lost a customer. The mogbeast sent back a bottle of milk and an apology card with my boss, but I never went back into that store.
I wish I could say I went and handed out free lotto tickets there afterward, but my corporate sponsorship didn't reach that far. Instead, I started dyeing my hair red and I never had a baby.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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cakes and ale 2,133 4
01/21/2010 12:59 AM
troll-faced mogbeast
Undies, my crush on you is making it hard for me to concentrate.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Johnny Plankton 701 5
01/21/2010 09:20 PM
What you gonna do with all them banana peels, huh?
We left out the part where we educated the state employees on banana peel safety. We gave them copies of Tom and Jerry cartoons.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Ravos iz in ur dreemz 33,484 9
01/21/2010 09:57 PM
This Shakespeare is bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Madness 1,326 5
01/22/2010 05:59 AM
You should have just done what this guy did.
That is to say, turn into the ancient Japanese banana god.
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0 votes
0.0
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Madness 1,326 5
01/22/2010 06:01 AM
http://i47.tinypic.com/2gy0p5u.gif
WELL.
It would seem zug doesn't like embedding gifs.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Yuoaman 98 1
01/22/2010 03:09 PM
You should have just done what this guy did.
That is to say, turn into the ancient Japanese banana god.
Wrong company. I'm pretty sure that Chiquita hasn't mastered the technology of infusing man with banana... yet.
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0 votes
0.0
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ZukeTheRed 452 4
01/22/2010 04:10 PM
Okay, let me just state for the record that Selma Hayek is SO hot. I have the biggest infatuation with her, ever. My palms are literally sweaty right now.
Also, yeah, I work for the PA state government and you definitely nailed state employment. Shakespeare-ing on the governor's desk to manage to get fired from your job during the probationary period seems to be a common state government meme, because I was told almost the exact same thing, funnily enough.
Great article.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 8,184 6
01/22/2010 05:30 PM
Wrong company. I'm pretty sure that Chiquita hasn't mastered the technology of infusing man with banana... yet.
It's not that hard, my gay uncle Charlie used to infuse his boyfriend with a banana all the time....and then tell us about it at Thanksgiving dinner.
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