The Alcopop Experiment
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  1,864  5
01/21/2010 01:10 AM 7167 views
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Somewhere in the land of "wine coolers," "girl drinks," and "chicktails" live a class of beverages that we call "alcopops." Not quite soda pop, but not quite alcoholic beverage, they're what happens when Josef Mengele sets up a sweet shop in a brewery.
If you don't believe me, think: if you took the time to brew good alcohol, would you mix it with lychee and lemonade?
Many of these drinks are not fit for human consumption, even for the teenage girls they're apparently marketed to -- but there was only one way for us to judge which ones.
We'd have to drink them.
Our elite drink disposal duo deputized our stomachs as HAZMAT teams. We set off for a preparatory meal of beer and wings, not knowing what the evening would hold -- but understanding this might be the last chance to use our teeth and livers.
Our tongues enjoyed this, not knowing this was their Last Meal.
The Panel: I'm Luke, an Irish freelance writer: genetically and professionally prepared for dangerous drinking; I consider "blood-alcohol" to be an accurate ratio. Agent Wallybob: armed with a cheeky grin, an iron liver, and a fake name because he's got a real job and can't show up on Google doing stuff like this. (True story: while conducting this experiment, he spent five minutes cursing out one of his corporation's contractors for daring to slack off while he was engaged in "professional research.")
The Purchase: We walked into the liquor store and purchased anything brightly colored, or whose named ended in "ee" or "i". The receipt looked like the schedule at a strip club, and the basket looked like the toxic run-off from Chinese knock-off rainbow factory. I had to keep changing hands because the density of concentrated sugar was slowly dissolving the bones in my fingers.
In Canada, liquor store staff are government employees, so you're served by an absolute cross-section of the entire human species -- you're just as likely to get an ancient black man who looks like he should be helping Tim Robbins escape as you are to get a student. So of course the day we decide to buy the Care Bears' liquor cabinet, we're served by the most fabulously flaming cashier this side of the Leather Stallions Cocktail Lounge's "Grope The Staff" Night. We asked if he'd ever seen anyone buy a batch of drink like this.
"Sure," he grinned, "Lots of girls."
Being called out by a man who couldn't talk lower than C-sharp was an issue, but when we explained we were purposely looking for bad drinks, his face lit up like Orlando Bloom had just torn his shirt off and demanded to wrestle. He assured us we'd found every terrible tipple* in the store and basically challenged us to pass out before we went into diabetic comas.
*You're not even allowed to say "tipple" unless you're wearing something frilly.
The Ratings: Relying solely on verbal descriptions risks turning this experiment into a dictionary of Arabic-Celtic curses, so we'll be including scientific sections for Appearance, Taste, how you could Do It Yourself, and Alcoholic Effect.
In the oncoming battle between sugar and alcohol, our bodies will be the battlefield.
Please continue to Part 2: The Tasting!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.5
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 116,580  19
01/22/2010 08:36 PM
Wine coolers were my first alcoholic beverage ever. I still remember what my schoolmate told me: "You'll love it! They taste just like sody pop."
Yes, he called it "sody pop."
The prosecution rests, your Honor.
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0 votes
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cakes and ale 2,137 4
01/22/2010 09:13 PM
Too bad Zima isn't still produced. Does anyone remember that? It tasted like carbonated, slightly sweet, ass water.
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0 votes
0.0
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golu.ru 0 2
02/13/2010 01:13 PM
++ <^, fZ , ++Oe ^. Cool ^)
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0 votes
0.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 11,006 10
02/13/2010 01:26 PM
Well there you are, Luke - thanks marking your photo - I didn't see this article until today.
The worst drink I ever had was "Mike's Hard Lemonade", which did not taste "hard" nor like lemonade. Gah. You both have more of a stomach than I do to ingest all that crap.
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