Crappy Consumer Reports: Cars Guaranteed to Make You Look Like a Douche A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland 49,000 13 01/27/2010 02:46 AM 3642 views
Recently I realized that it's time to start looking for a new car. The old Camaro has been not very good to me over the years, but my wife hates it tastes change, and it'd be nice to get more than 13 mpg on the highway. Now I'm in the very preliminary research stage, but one thing is already abundantly clear: some cars out there are just incredibly, stupendously douchey. To protect myself and you, dear reader, here are ZUG's Cars Guaranteed to Make You Look Like a Douche.
The Kia Soul
I don't understand the infatuation with boxes on wheels, but Kia's jumping on the bandwagon with a cheaply-priced turd on wheels. Consider that the best way Kia thought they could advertise this thing and make you want it is to fill it with rats:
First of all, what the hell is that name about? Soul? Really? Now if you'd have gone "Seoul" I'd give you points, but no one with soul is ever going to own one of these. James Brown drove a Frost-ing Cadillac, not a Korean lower-tier alternative to a Hyundai. Picturing you and three of your white-with-dreadlocks buddies head-bobbing to your latest House Music mix makes me wish I could reach through the Internet to punch you in the goddamn face.
Douche factor: 6/10
The Mazdaspeed 3
Ah, the hatchback. Ball-less middleground of yuppies everywhere who are old enough to desperately crave the space of a station wagon, but still in touch enough with their youth to recognize how incredibly pathetic station wagons actually are. This thing has a despicably vapid grin, and I imagine it tears down the road like some sort of baleen whale just looking for a dick to suck. This is the vehicle for douchebags who want a Prius, but can't swing the hybrid price tag. They'll go on and on ad nauseum about how much they save on gas and how it's such a small engine that it'll barely make any pollution at all. Guess what? You're still burning gas like the rest of us, Emerson.
Am I the only one who is a little suspicious that they don't really show the actual car doing anything in the car commercial? I like crashing toys into each other as much as the next, and if you're the type of moron who drives one of these I highly encourage you to engage in all of the above behavior, but seriously? Toy cars?
Douche factor: 7/10
The Nissan Cube
Are you Frost-ing kidding me?
Thank you, Nissan, for breaking us all out of that stale "cars should look symmetrical" paradigm we needed to leave behind. I can't wait 'til next year's Nissan Scalene takes the auto shows by storm! And seriously, do you want to associate with the kind of people who see a commercial reducing real life to a bunch of online interaction buttons and feel brand loyalty?
Douche factor: 8/10
The Scion IQ
Speaking of toy cars. Yikes. The picture's just a concept, but the Toyota version has already been unleashed on the public. This is that Hot Wheel you never played with as a kid because it didn't look enough like a real car. The tiny body and weirdly spaced wheels scream, "I think I'm fast!" but the tiny engine screams "All this pedal does is make things louder!" Then there's this:
I get it; some people are active. Some people drive their cars to sporting things, but guess what? You're still just DRIVING. I guess the commercial is somewhat accurate in this case though, as the first thing I thought when seeing the car was, "What a ball hole."
Douche factor: 5/10
Chevy HHR
I can't imagine where General Motors went wrong! An impossibly-ugly body, pathetic fuel economy, this thing's the American legacy of auto making! This is the kind of vehicle people buy when they're scared off by the sportiness of a PT Cruiser. It has none of the versatility of a truck, or even an SUV. It has a disgusting, rounded ass that makes it look like it should be prowling the clearance aisle at a Wal-Mart with sweatpants falling down its hips. Also, Andy Dick likes them:
That alone should make you feel like a rapist for even thinking of getting one.
Douche factor: 9/10
BONUS ANDY DICK CREEPY PEDERAST FACTOR: 100/10
There you have it! The douchiest car on the road (by far) is the Chevy HHR! Make sure to tell the next idiot you see driving one that everyone at ZUG.com thinks he's a douche!
Randall Cleveland is an improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He has trained and performed with the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and is currently performing in St. Louis with Knife Fight and Ghost Baby Abortion. He's also looking in to getting ZUG to sponsor some "You're Driving a Douchemobile!" bumper stickers.
I am also in the market for a new vehicle. There is not ONE car out there right now that I would actually pay money for. I love cars, but I loathe shopping for one because car salesman are TROLLS. (At least all the ones I have ever dealt with)
I went with my buddy to a lot once, he knew he wanted the new Sebring convertible, he had done his research. The salesman skips out to the lot,and starts his schpeel. My buddy never even looked at the guy, completely ignored everything the guy said, asked one or two questions about the price, and drove off with the car about 30 minutes later. Damn!!
Truth be told, I'm a sucker for a well-placed f-bomb. "Pass the Frost-ing Mini Wheats," will leave me laughing in the aisles. So yeah, I'm easy. Frost you.
Buying a car is one of the weirdest things. Imagine if you bought everything the way you buy a car. You go into a coffee shop and ask for a cup of coffee, and even though the price is posted, you ask what kind of deal they can give you. Then you and the coffee jerk go back and forth a bit, and then you ask what they'll give you if you give them back your empty paper cup from the previous day. Then the coffee jerk goes into the back to have a meeting with the manager while you sit there and think about whether or not you want to spring for that cardboard thing that wraps around the cup so you don't scorch your hand.
While someone negotiates with a bank to arrange the payment for the coffee, the coffee jerk and the manager pressure you to try to get you to buy a weatherproofing package for your cup. And then you finally leave with your coffee and start the whole procedure over again when you stop at the bakery for a loaf of bread.
2010 - A Cyco Odyssey 11,324 11 Wants to buy a Kia Soul or Nissan Qube
01/28/2010 12:26 AM
OH YEAH! WILL MAYBE I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE!
Great article, although I disagree with some of the reasons why Car X makes a person look like a douche. I've always felt that people who drive cars in areas they weren't intended for are douchebags. For example: off road cars that are never taken off road.
My list of douchebage cars would include
Hummer - It's a gas guzzling waste of space and as ugly as Rosie O'Donnell mud wrestling a fat Star Jones.
Escalade - Similar reasons as the Hummer, it's also way overpriced considering it's just a high end Suburban
BMW 3 series - You want to look like a power player, but can't afford the power player's car? This car's for you. Oh yeah, don't forget to put in your shiny bluetooth headset so you can look important while shopping at Walmart.
Lexus IS10 - Dude, you paid an extra $8000 to drive a Toyota Avalon. I know it, you know it, the whole world knows it. Douche.
Honda Element - Sweet, you got a surfboard/snowboard attachment and a tailgate you can connect a tent to. However, you live in your mom's basement in Kansas. Aren't you special?
The douchiest car you can drive is the Porsche 911 convertible. Buying one turns a person into an instant Emerson. To make your douchebaggery complete, you should talk loudly into a bluetooth at stop lights while driving your Porsche with the top down. John Gosselin is shopping for a 911 convertible, by the way.
Any post 1976 Corvette is a douchemobile as well.
By the way, if you wear a Porsche jacket, cap or t-shirt, or you correct people on the pronunciation of Porsche and you don't own one, you are also a douche. A GIANT douche.
To me, the most douchebaggy Porsche is the Cayenne.
That's the car you buy when you hit your midlife crisis and you want to buy an expensive car to make you feel young again, but you hesitate between a Porsche and a gas-guzzling SUV.
So you end up buying the Cayenne, because it's both at the same time, even though it doesn't have the performance or the sporty look of a Porsche and the only off-road action it will ever see is doing 5 mph on the speed bump at the entrance of the Starbucks' drive-through whenever you go buy your venti non-fast soy milk cinammon caramel moccachino latte.
My favorite brand of douchbageryness... people who buy SUV's and 4-wheel drive trucks and then tip toe through puddles and would never consider going off road. This is Florida Emerson, anybody can drive anything off road it's flat, it never snows, there's no ice...get out of my way!
Pants 11,921 13 02/15/2010 03:31 PM The only difference between a porcupine and a Porche [strike]driver[/strike] is the porcupine's prick is on the OUTSIDE.
The only difference between a porcupine and a Porche driver is the porcupine's prick is on the OUTSIDE.
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