From: George B. Zip
To: Rick Kirk
Date: Sunday, Jan 10 13:39:17
Subject: Assisted Living Question
Hello,
My name is George B. Zip and I am looking for information about moving into an assisted living facility. I have never done this before because I have stubbornly been trying to do everything myself but my family has been wearing me down and I think it's finally time to take the next step. I have several unique concerns that I want to run by someone. I am not a typical "assisted living" type of dude. For instance, I use words like "dude" in common everyday use. I have several other issues that I would like to bounce off someone because I feel like it's possible I wouldn't fit in for many reasons.
Thank you for your attention,
George. B. Zip
"I use words like 'dude' in common everyday use"
From: Rick Kirk
To: George B. Zip
Date: Monday, Jan 11 09:11:35
Subject: Re: Assisted Living Question
Hi George,
Let me begin by saying that assisted living isn't for everyone! As much as the community may try, there are staff schedules, economies of scale and of course a housefull of others whose needs must also be accommodated, so it is just not exactly like home.
I think that the real benefit of assisted living is realized when whatever arrangements in your current location are not successful at keeping you happy and safe along with your basic needs met. Caregivers often do not show up, they sit for hours without actually doing anything and the isolation creates the risk of needing some help with no one there... At Heritage Care, my team is on site to make sure that everything that is supposed to happen does happen.
"Dude" probably means that you have a different cultural orientation than the stereotypical assisted living resident- but the first wave of baby boomers have already begun paving the way in long term care settings so you won't be alone. If you're under 62 years old, however, we can't serve you.
If I can be of assistance, please feel free to give me a call at the number below.
Best Wishes,
Rick
Rick Kirk
Executive Director
Heritage Care at the Market
"When your arrangements are not successful at keeping you happy and safe"
From: George B. Zip
To: Rick Kirk
Date: Wednesday, Jan 27 19:12:10
Subject: Re: Re: Assisted Living Question
Hello Rick,
Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. I was on an out of this world adventure in South America with a young scout and several dogs.
Thank you for your swift response. It is appreciated. I think I will win you over with my wit and charm. You see, I am a prime candidate for assisted living. In some ways I may rock the boat, but I find myself needing help with simple tasks such as buying groceries and scheduling shuffle-board games. I can't complete them without completely messing it up. I need assistance.
I have some concerns, however.
I have been spending a time looking at the name of your facility "Heritage Care." No good. The word "heritage" makes me think of older people and I think we need to make your place a little hipper and a little less hip-SURGERY-er. That's a joke, son. Jokes are good for the soul. They're what keeps me young.
That name needs to change if I come to live with you. It's a depressing name and it must be changed at once. I will come up with a new name. I am very good at suggesting sign changes. I was recently successful in mounting a campaign to change the sign of a gym in Ballard because their sign annoyed me and made me Hulk-out with rage. They changed it because they saw that the way I do things is correct. I have never made a mistake in coming up with a name of a business and I'm not about to start now.
I have some connections with local comedians and would organize an open mic night with cutting edge material that will challenge the ideals and foster discussion. They will alter their material to my exacting standards and bring a lot of joy and confusion to the citizens.
Perhaps you've heard of "Twilight"? It's not just for kids. It seems to connect with lonely old people, too. I will host a screening and present facts and fun trivia about super-hot couple Rob and Kiki.
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding the changes I plan to make to your facility. I am open to your input but have very high standards and am afraid that I must have the final word in these matters.
I await your response. Until then, I remain...
George B. Zip
"Super-hot couple Rob and Kiki"
From: Rick Kirk
To: George B. Zip
Date: Thursday, Jan 28 10:54:20
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Assisted Living Question
Hi again, George,
If you're traveling to South America you're probably a few years away from settling into assisted living. I would imagine that you are able to coordinate and arrange whatever needs you have at home. If I can be of assistance in your need there I'm happy to offer suggestions for that as well.
As for the name of our community, it is quite intentional. The trend has been to build homes for elderly people in the suburbs and the people who built and made Seattle work were getting shipped out and forgotten. Our presence serves to maintain the heritage of our downtown existance. Our residents ran businesses, were accountants, operated beauty salons, were longshoremen, sold newspapers and were sales clerks. We do serve elderly people with a minimum age of 62 and have a strong reputation and brand identification with the name. Heritage Care provides the assistance people need so they can be as independent as possible in their familiar neighborhood.
Our residents take an active role in the daily affairs of Heritage Care and coordinate and present events, so your desire is consistent with our style of involvement.
I wish you all the best,
Rick Kirk
---
From: George Zip
To: Rick Kirk
Date: Thursday, Jan 28 22:01:23
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Assisted Living Demands
Hi Rick,
Let's not get crazy about this South America thing. I ended up floating down and then ran into this crazy old dude in a blimp. It all worked out in the end. It was occasionally as sad as it was hilarious, but for a time I thought the kid I was with was going to ruin everything!
I'm glad to hear you're receptive to my changes in this hostile takeover of your facility. I plan to work with you in as many ways as possible as we look to a new dawn at George B. Zip's Home for the Aged. As a thirty year-old with an tender and experienced soul I think I will be a perfect fit in your little community.
Some changes that will commence with me arriving in early March:
1) Schedule group outing to see new film "Hot Tub Time Machine" followed by a discussion of the film at Linda's bar on Capitol Hill. Two drink minimum.
2) If you don't already have it I'll need access to Showtime on demand to catch up with Dexter season 4. If it's been taken off On Demand at that point I'll have to insist on blu-rays. If that is a problem please contact Netflix and see if you can have them add it to their list of streaming HD shows. If you don't know what any of those words mean then it's clear that I am needed more than I theorized.
3) Wednesday is Nachoday. NO jalapenos. I can't stress this enough. If I see a jalapeno I will go mental. There's a reason for this but it's complicated.
4) Let's work together for a brighter tomorrow.
Thank you very much and I look forward to our adventures together.
George B. Zip
Executive Director
George B. Zip's Home for the Aged
---
DENIED!
George B. Zip is a Seattle-based e-mail activist, and champion of human rights. His personal blog is available to read by invitation only.
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