The Cat Gambling Experiment: Can a Cat Predict the Superbowl?
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
01/31/2010 07:50 AM 2775 views
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My wife and I have a cat called Neutrino, which is what happens when two Ph.D. students notice just how small kittens are when it's time to name one.
Who's the cutest little uncharged almost-massless fermionic particle?
He's gotten a lot bigger, and proportionately less cute, so it's time he started paying his way. Unfortunately his only skills are
a) Sleeping
b) Eating
c) Knocking things around, and
d) Biting and clawing.
He's not qualified to be anything but a narcoleptic Klingon food-taster. But using these skills, can my cat make money by gambling for me?
The Cat Bets
I gave Neutrino a stake of fifty dollars.
Still a better investment than your 401K. Boom, economic crisis victims!
Neutrino must make three bets, culminating when he lays his entire stake on the Super Bowl. He doesn't fit in with the really dedicated football fans, what with constantly keeping himself clean and being able to run without wheezing, but that's a risk they'll have to take.
The Human Bets
As a control for the cat-bets, I'll make my own based on the same skills -- but I have to find some way to make sure I don't cheat by using my superior human brain. Luckily, humanity has come up with the perfect tools for that job:
How not to use your brain 101.
For each bet the cat makes, I'll make a test prediction by combining his feline skill with the unique human ability to believe in things with absolutely no real evidence! Which is, apparently, what we've got over animals who get to dedicate hours to crotch-licking. IT'S THE PERFECT PLAN!
This plan, by the way, will doubtlessly be used against me in future mental health tests.
Please continue to Part 2: The Serena Williams Bet!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
13 votes
3.6
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 277,318  52
01/31/2010 08:51 AM
One of my cats, Owen, entered our NCAA Basketball Tournament office pool one year (2001, I think). He always was a big paper chewer. I put the names of each team on 3x5 cards and held up each matchup in front of him and whichever one he chewed first was his pick. Great idea but it took forever. He finished third. Stupid cat picked Gonzaga as his champion.
Now he has no teeth.
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Funny
6 votes
3.2
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
01/31/2010 09:40 AM
How is your cat going to bet on the Superbowl with those colored pieces of paper? Doesn't he need money to bet on a football game?
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0 votes
0.0
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insuu 26 6
02/04/2010 12:31 AM
no my cats understand nothing in it
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos in Wonderland 62,361 20
02/04/2010 12:36 AM
50 Canadian dollars! Why, yessir!
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0 votes
0.0
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Pramable Lectern 78,171 40
02/10/2010 03:59 AM
My cat won the bet, my cat won the bet!!
Wait a sec... My cat didn't enter a contest...
Who the hell stole my cat, renamed it, and then entered it into this thing?
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