My cat can only sleep, eat, knock things over and bite me. I'm going to test those abilities against human fortune-telling to WIN THE SUPER BOWL. No, you haven't missed some vital middle step (but you can read Part 1). Let's get gambling ... with cats!
The Challenge
Searching Google for random sporting events, the 2010 Australian Women's Singles will pit Serena Williams against Li Na. Cats know little of tennis, and my brain honestly turns off when women start grunting like that, so it's a perfectly even battlefield.
The Human Bet
Neutrino sleeps most of the time, and I only get eight hours a day. That puts me 3:1 behind before we begin, which is why I brought in an expert:
This man can see the future (but apparently not mirrors)
His page is targeted at those who've decided their best plan is to stay unconscious, and for whom the most important questions in life are about celebrities. Then my piss-taking backfires when I realise that that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
His prediction strategy is to stare at pictures of the celebrities involved, in bed, and try to think about them as you fall asleep - wow, I've been predicting contests between female athletes my entire adult life!
I must fantasize about their sweaty battle FOR SCIENCE!
Waking from my dreams, I can honestly only claim that I won. Lots. But some more hard thinking on the issue, which I'd probably had enough of, reveals there was a bit more Serena in my subconscious. Probably a lot more than has ever been on camera.
The Cat Bet
Here we ran into a problem:
Do felines dream of making me money? And more importantly, HOW CAN I TELL?
I'm not ashamed to admit I can't interpret that, lacking the ability to understand cats -- or the crippling psychological problems required to want anything to do with sleeping with cats.
Not my scene
I'll have to move on to his next skill: Eating.
The worst thing is, this picture is probably someone's fetish.
Both piles contain an equal number of cat treats (and counting dry cat food was a terrifying glimpse of a dystopian feline future). Since nothing else in the universe, including me, matters to Neutrino as much as food, this was an utterly isolated and scientific experiment. It might has well have been in a vacuum chamber on Pluto. The only possible tilting factor is a cosmic catty preference for one player over the other.
(This is technically a form of dowsing, except -- because cats have actually been observed to move -- there's way more proof that this works.)
The result? Neutrino's a Na supporter! $10 on Li Na!
The Result
Serena Williams won 7 7 to 6 6. I'm still surprised -- it's the first time thinking with that, instead of my brain, has led to the right course of action. I also can't blame Neutrino -- in retrospect, asking him to bet on women after I paid a vet to laser his balls off is hardly fair. But he's still down ten dollars, leaving him only $40 to play with!
The cat doesn't understand why I'm taking his money. Or why he has money. Or what money is. I'll level with you - cats don't really get the idea of a medium of exchange at all.
He's got one more day to make it back before the big Super Bowl Bet!
Please continue to Part 3: My Cat's Stock Picks!
|
|
1,902 
5 
Share on your site:
11,037 
10
