My quest to Get Rich On The Super Bowl based only on my cat's ability to sleep, eat, knock things over and bite isn't going well (Part 1). I tested sleeping and eating against human fortune-telling and he lost ten dollars (Part 2). Now it's time for my cat to gamble back his losses!
The Challenge
Neutrino is good at mindlessly knocking things over, which is perfect, because I found a book about things he could knock over:
Neutrino proving his superior intelligence by NOT reading this book
We want to get ultra-rich not just in spite of, but in fact based on how he doesn't understand what he's doing and probably shouldn't be allowed to. To the stock market! Unfortunately ZUGZ aren't yet listed on the NASDAQ (because you don't click enough, you slackers), but a bit of Googling reveals that ZUMZ are.
Cop a load of the peaks on that stock! (I'm sorry, the scientific graphics aren't as good as in Part 2)
We decided to bet double-or-nothing on whether ZUMZ goes up or down today. But since you aren't allowed to just decide you're going to make money on utterly arbitrary gambles if you aren't already rich, we couldn't do it on the market. I decided those beancounters' short-sightedness shouldn't stop science: I told Neutrino I'd take his ten dollar bet MYSELF.
More evidence to be used against me in psychiatric evaluations.
The Human Bet
I knocked the red, white and green dice off the table. The authors of the fortune-telling dice book, "David and Julia Line," require specific colors to tell the future with dice (or they're a vexillologist Tajikstani-Madagascan couple). The book relates each color-number combination to a concept and collection of keywords. I got Red 3, White 4, Green 2, translating to "Boat Knife Lightning." The boat's movement, the knife's bad, and lightning is quick. The dice couldn't be clearer if I'd rolled a bag of Scrabble tiles and got "ZUMZ BE GOING DOWN."
The Cat Bet
I'm supposed to be an impartial observer, but it's impossible to keep an open mind on "colored dice telling the future" and still have that mind capable of working complex systems. Like doors. So I threw the dice into Neutrino's litterbox:
A Neutrino chamber.
and left them there overnight. Luckily I make a serious point of NOT observing the cat in his box*, thereby adding "quantum" to the experiment and making it a million times more scientific.
*No matter how much it suddenly sounds like the lowest-rent craps table in the world.
Neutrino rolled
Red 6, White 5, Green 2, Yellow Urine.
Red 6 is "The Bat", translating to Danger Signal (and not Crime Fighting as hoped.) White 5 is, I swear to God, the Cat.
It means home, marriage, the family, and me not getting freaked out because it's only a one-in-six chance. I am unsure how to relate any of that to the stock market. Green 2 is lightning again, so whatever "danger signal marriage" refers to it's going to happen quickly. Possibly because I'm throwing dice in the litter box and talking to the cat about money. Either way: definite downer.
Neutrino therefore bets that ZUMZ stock will go drop by the end of the day, so it's scientifically proven: a human who believes in fortune-telling is exactly as intelligent as a cat.
The Result:
By end of business, ZUMZ was down 0.37 points - so Neutrino was up ten dollars!
Neutrino's back at $50, and he's about to bet it all, as he predicts the Super Bowl!
Please continue to Part 4: Predicting the Super Bowl!
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