The Cat Gambling Experiment, Part 4: PET PREDICTS SUPER BOWL
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
02/01/2010 03:23 AM 2296 views
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My cat can only sleep, eat, knock things over and bite me -- I'm pitting those skills against human fortune-telling (Part 1). Astonishingly enough, he's breaking even, losing ten dollars to Serena Williams (Part 2) but making it back on the stock market (Part 3). Now comes the ultimate test: can he PREDICT THE SUPER BOWL?
The Event
Superbowl XLIV. If you need any further information, please leave the sensory-deprivation chamber/foreign country you're trapped in.
The Human Bet
Neutrino's only remaining skill is biting things, and I'm not ashamed to admit I'll lose at that. He bites harder, and more often, and if I try the same thing even once I'll be arrested. Being outgunned by your own cat can really make you give up on life, which is why I'm turning to the last resort of the terminally ill-equipped to deal with the world: Astrology!
It's difficult to find concrete horoscope predictions of major sporting events, possibly because vaguely affirmative "be ambitious but cautious you beautiful and unique flower" ass-kissing isn't applicable to measurable binary events. Add a 46-player roster for each team, and all the imaginary hoodoo "Jupiter rising" effects should cancel out. But remember: Astrology is based on the entire universe suddenly revolving around just one person, and in football that's the quarterback. It's also apparently hard to harness the ineffable astrological equipment of the universe more than seven days in advance, but I finally found next-weekly predictions on this site. Let's see what the stars say!
Peyton Manning: Colt, Aries
The incredible "Rajesh Chopra" foretells that the Ariesian Peyton has put in a lot of work and will have more responsibility than ever this week, amazingly specific advice only relevant to anyone who's ever held a job ever. He'll apparently have a fortunate week "when [he] will be sought by various clients or organizations" (as in every media service in the country.) Prognosis: GOOD.
Drew Brees: Saint, Capricorn
Rajesh predicts that it's important that Drew not make mistakes. Stunning insight, and totally opposed to our everyday belief that mistakes are good. Less useful is the idea that he should only act as an observer for the coming week, which he might find rather difficult (being part of the only 0.00003% of the population not currently spectating or trapped under a car). Prognosis: BAD.
Conclusion: Go Colts!
The Human Bet
Neutrino's only remaining skill is biting and clawing, so I determined that he and the Quarterbacks should battle it out.
Two quarterbacks in a cage match against a giant fighting animal - it's like every stage of my male TV-watching career had an Ultimate Showdown!
The Quarterbacks entered the Cage of Cat, though I left the door open in case they ganged up on my poor pet. I went to sleep, trying not to think about the bestial battle taking place. The next day Drew emerged with only a minor love-tap - but where was Peyton?
Further searching revealed that not everyone loves the Colts QB - Neutrino had not only beaten him up, he'd thrown him down the toilet:
Neutrino couldn't make his feelings clearer if he could talk
The Bet!
I considered taking Neutrino into a bookmakers to let him place the bet, but I probably couldn't update this from an asylum. Instead I did my insane animal-based business online, just like everyone else.
There it is: The cat bets $50 on the Saints! If he wins he's going to blow the money on cat treats and chew toys (after a small gift for his owner, of course). If he loses, I'll wonder why I even had to learn that this was a bad idea.
Please continue to Part 5: The Cat Wins!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.2
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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the fun in disfunctional 1,970  6
02/01/2010 03:52 AM
I have 4 cats all with different numbers of letters in their names. I entered a pool at my favorite seaside bar by giving each cat a line and then counting across the numbers of letters in their names. I won $100 on 4 $5 bets. Thanks Poes! You are the bestest!
By the way, your cat's right...the Saints are going to beat the Colts and I'm a Giants fan so there's no way I actually care at all. Damn Giants.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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jdgunera 16 9
02/02/2010 05:59 PM
WHO CAT?!
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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KChikita Banana 124,281 89
02/04/2010 12:53 AM
I wish I'd thought of this for our office Superbowl pool. Awesome.
Also, your cat's litterbox is amazingly clean.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Jeeni.app 43,391 49
02/07/2010 12:35 PM
Good job Neutrino!! May kitty snacks and toys abound!
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