Crappy Consumer Reports: Worst Valentine's Day Gifts for Women A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland 43,809 9 02/03/2010 12:11 PM 5161 views
Psst. Guess what? Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching. I know! You totally forgot, because you're a man and sitcoms have taught us that men are physically incapable of remembering romantic and momentous events! Well, the only thing worse than forgetting Valentine's Day is ruining it with a horrible gift. That's why I'm here to protect you from your own stupidity with ZUG's Crappy Consumer Reports: Worst Valentine's Day Presents for Women!
Fellas, pay attention: do NOT buy any of the following stuff. Even though you probably have that weird man gene that somehow twists, "This thing sucks" into "This thing sucks, therefore I must purchase it ironically," don't indulge that impulse. At least not if you want a shot at ever seeing your significant other naked again, because pop culture has taught us men curry favor with women romantically strictly as a means to get sex!
Lingerie
I know what you're thinking: "Look at that, up there. How can this possibly be a bad idea?!
This is how.
You might as well get her a pair of pants in your size. While lingerie can be a fun, sexy gift for couples, unless you've cleared it beforehand as an acceptable gift you're basically saying, "Happy Valentine's Day, Honey! Now get half-naked and titillate me." If you're already the kind of guy who subscribes to the sitcom caveman stereotypical male behavior listed above, you're probably going to end up with a swift knee to the dong.
Even assuming she's down for some dress-up, you're not out of the woods yet. Buying lingerie's not like buying sweatpants; there are some pretty specific size restrictions to consider. Get a size too small and you may induce a screaming, crying, bout of bulimia. Get a size too big and, well, actually the risk is pretty much the same. Women catch a lot of Shakespeare from pretty much everywhere telling them to be thinner, have bigger boobs, and just in general look prettier because that's what they're good for. You really don't want to be the one pushing your lady over the edge with that sentiment.
Teddy Bear
"Awwww, but him's just a widdle guy! Him just needs some love! Baby, I'll be your Teddy Bear!" Do you honestly talk this way? Are you dating a minor? How 'bout a person of significant mental deficiency? Because if not, you have no excuse to ever speak like this to another adult, ever. I don't care if it's "our thing," or if it's "only with her," you sound like a pederast and the fact that you would buy a child's plaything for a grown person speaks volumes to your opinion of said person.
Plus, it's Frost-ing useless. "Oh, wow, thanks hun. A useless piece of stuffing that will sit somewhere and gather dust because I feel some sense of obligation to not throw it out. Awesome." You don't want her waking up to the fact that the bear is a metaphor for your relationship. Skip it.
Anatomically Correct Chocolate Heart
This is an example of good idea, bad execution. Chocolate's rarely a bad idea, because honestly who doesn't like chocolate? Yeah there's that whole "Women LOVE chocolate!" stereotype, but they don't really seem to mind owning that one. At least, not if it's really good chocolate. Which this does not appear to be. Yeah, I know, it says "Premium." But honestly, I think seeing this thing in a box is only going to conjure images of the saturated fat it's packing lining the walls of her own still-beating heart and freak her the Frost out. I know it gave me pause over my chocolate-frosted donettes, and I didn't even stop eating those on 9/11.
Teeth Jewelry
Again, jewelry can be an alright gift if that's what your significant other is into, but somewhere along the way your mind got really fixated on this whole "make it personal" thing everyone keeps talking about. Next thing you know, you've got your girl a one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry she can show off to everyone. In hell.
"No, we haven't set a date yet. I haven't stopped sobbing uncontrollably."
There are a couple things wrong here: first off, why the Frost do you, a presumably grown-ass man, have a handful of teeth lying around the house? Are they yours? I can't decide if that makes it better or worse, actually. Okay, let's assume they're yours, because I don't want to start getting into your criminal defense strategy; you're reading a comedy site. I'm willing to bet your teeth are a fetid melange of coffee stains, mercury fillings, and unflossed Funyun residue. Do you think she's really going to be impressed with that on a necklace? And that's only assuming you already have teeth lying around. If not, your surprise is ruined, unless you can explain away your sudden penchant for ice cream and drooling blood everywhere. Plus, all the tough guys are getting this stuff made from their jawbones, anyway.
F Cup Cookies
Are you even serious? You're actually trying to get kicked in the balls, right? Nothing says, "I Love You!" like some shifty fortune cookies purported to expand your tits. Like I said earlier, women have more than enough pressure to be dissatisfied with their bodies from the world in general. You're supposed to be the one person who understands, accepts, and loves them for who they are, regardless of bra size. Plus, they're so shady that places like Thailand won't even allow them in the country:
Have you ever watched Bizarre Foods? People in Thailand eat Frost-ing grasshoppers and they still won't touch these boob cookies. If your lady friend somehow isn't horribly offended, she may just die from some banned tit-forming supplement. And try eulogizing that.
Home Bikini Wax Kit
"Honey, I love you. This is the best Valentine's Day ever. Now go peel off that Billy Gibbons bush you got going on downstairs and we can get down to business!" If you're dating an adult, odds are that by now she's made the decision as to whether or not she wants to go with the natural look, a slight trim, or full-on scorched earth. You don't really get an opinion in these matters. Your enthusiasm is appreciated, sure, but showing up with a vat of wax and the honest intention of burning down the black forest is not going to get you laid, Sparky.
Conversely, if she's the type of gal who wants that sort of thing, she probably prefers to pay good money to a professional. Since, y'know, there's hot wax and the pulling of pubic hair involved, she probably wants someone who knows what they're doing as opposed to you after the third bottle of wine has been killed off. There's also the added danger that once this thing is at home with you, she's going to suggest you use it as well.
An Acre on the Moon
"It's all yours, baby!"
While we're at it, let's name a star after her, too! Let me ask you something: who owns the moon? If you answered, "No one, because some treaty way back in 1967 made it impossible to claim the moon," congrats! You're a lot more sane than Dennis Hope, who submitted a claim on the moon to the United Nations and just assumed the lack of response meant he got his way. Because that's how it always works, just like with job applications and mortgages.
So now he's selling acres of the moon to people for about $25.00, with the understanding that the amount of a rare hydrogen compound found in an average acre would be valued at over $125,000. Sure, you have to find a way to Frost-ing get it down here, and that's sure to run into the hundreds of millions of dollars range, but hey! $125,000!
If your significant other is dumb enough to be impressed by something like this, save yourself $25 and just print something up yourself. It'll matter just as much and be just as legally binding. Go ahead and spring for the card stock; this is special.
Lighter Branding Iron
"Hear that sizzle? That's me loving you."
Okay, so I see just a couple issues with this one. First off, are you purchasing this to brand your special lady? Because that's ... disgusting. And wrong. And I'm pretty sure it ventures into a whole new realm of misogyny I've never heard of before. How have you even managed to get a date, let alone a woman willing to spend an extended amount of time with you? I don't even have a joke for that. Just don't do it. Ever.
On the other hand, are you dating someone so pyromaniacal and possessive that a brand seems like a practical gift for her? Does she have a sister?
Conclusion
You may be under the gun to come up with an epic present this Valentine's Day, but DON'T BUY ANY OF THIS STUFF. If you stick to that simple plan, it can't get too bad.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improviser based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. You can read his words at Life with Randy or see him perform with Ghost Baby Abortion and Knife Fight regularly around St. Louis.
Don't fall for any of that pajamagram bullShakespeare. First off, they probably won't fit worth a Shakespeare anyways. Secondly, they're hella overpriced. Third, if your SO is anything like mine, she'll think that you think she sits around all day in her PJ's and let me tell you mister, I cook, I clean, I take care of the kids AND YOU NEVER NOTICE!
Sorry, got off on a tangent there. If you're going to get clothes, try to find something that reflects her interests yet ties in to Valentines day. I got her this shirt last year because she likes Tetris. Later that night I got to stick my long piece into her waiting hole. Oh yeah, we had sex too.
No appliances either (not that kind you twisted boys) (vacuums, washing machines etc.) because nothing says I love you like "clean the house and wash the dishes".
Great article! Fortunately I don't know anyone who would even remotely consider giving me any of those gifts...primarily because I don't know anyone.
Worse than teddy bears are those GIANT stuffed animals. You know - the ones that are bigger than your body. I have no idea why anyone would purchase such a monstrosity for a person over the age of 8, and even for an 8-year-old, I'd want an explanation. It's just a big dust collector and it'll take up half the bed, meaning you WON'T get to share sexytime with me.
Worse than teddy bears are those GIANT stuffed animals. You know - the ones that are bigger than your body. I have no idea why anyone would purchase such a monstrosity for a person over the age of 8, and even for an 8-year-old, I'd want an explanation. It's just a big dust collector and it'll take up half the bed, meaning you WON'T get to share sexytime with me.
So, how about you, me, and star scream the tiger go spend some special time together?
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Pubah 47,451 11 ...Kinda likes the idea of a stripping bear...
02/04/2010 01:03 PM
But you'd better follow it up with something really good...like a diamond or a chocolate car.
The lingerie thing is no joke. It's likely your girlfriend doesn't look quite like the model in the catalog. I made the mistake of asking mine why she never wore the set I picked out for her.
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