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Shemp's life story
A comedy article by Shempxistential Blues 22,222 17
02/04/2010 02:56 PM 453 views

With all this sharing that has been going on, some hidden memories have welled up to the surface of my mind. And I am sorry. But I need to share my thoughts and feelings with you... My friends.



I was born a poor coal miners daughter, on the small Caribbean island of East West Indies. As a small child my parents made me sell myself to the local coal miners. Being that every one was poor, the coal miners paid me in Green Stamps. Later we found that no one takes Green Stamps anymore.

When I was 8 years old, we moved the United States. There my older step brother, Greg, started to molest me. He would suck my dick, while I jerked him off. I would not suck his dick because he was old enough to cum, and I didnt want it in my mouth. I didnt know it was cum at the time, I thought he was sick. I keep telling him, he better tell mom about it so he can see a doctor. Later when I had my first ejaculate, I realized he wasnt sick. Just sick in the head.

In school, I was bullied by everyone, including the nerds. One day three girls cornered me. They made me drop my pants, and stick my finger up my butt hole, the the third knuckle. All the while they laughed and pointed at my little dicky. At the time I didnt really care that they called it little. Later, I realized size matters.

I bet you're asking yourself, how did I get a penis all of a sudden. Well, three months after I was born, I started to grow a penis. The doctors were baffled. But as my penis grew, testicals even descended from my vagina. And the vagina itself closed together. Its the first time in recoreded history that that has happened. The doctors even named it after me, it's called; Shempaphrodite testaticalous Wutdefukis. Later, we learned a new term for it, FREAK.

Back to school, when I was 12, I was still in 3rd grade. Because I also had a learning disability, I believe the correct term is, retard. Any how I could not grasp basic math and reading skills. I still cant, I have no idea what I am typing, I just hope it's funny. There was this bully named, Frank. The kids called him Frank the Tank, but not to his face. Well, Frank comes up to me one day at recess and tells me to give him my milk money or suck his dick. So were out back behind the rectory, and I have his dick in my mouth. I'm sucking Tank's crank for all its worth(apparently it was worth my milk money), when all of sudden, Mr. Duwicky, the school janitor comes around the corner. I see him see me, I didnt know what to do. So I just kept sucking. Tank on the other hand, is trying to pull away and run. But as I said, I had great suction on that little pecker. Mr. Duwicky see's that Tank wants to flee, so he says, "Its all right boys. Im not going to tell on you." As he is saying this, he starts to unbutten his grey janitors jump suit, and pulls out his huge throbbing red tipped organ. He pulled down my pants and rammed that giant of a Coleridge all the way up to the top. I yelled in estasy pain, and my teeth scratched Tank's dick. So he punched me in the face. And I guess Mr. Duwicky thought this was an invite to hit me so he started donky punching me. Tank eventually came all over my face, and Mr. Duwicky filled my rectum with warm man sauce. Later, I found out this wall all pretty gay.

That same year, I started to molest my step father, Doug. At first I would just rub up against him accidently, or walk out of the bathroom naked so he could see me. Finally, one day I had him all alone in the house. I waited untill he was on the toilet and I rushed into the bathroom. I grabbed his penis and shoved it in my mouth. He tried to squarm away, but his Emerson was still covered in Shakespeare, so he didnt really want to move and get Shakespeare all over the place. After I made him blow a nice gooey wad in my mouth. I stood up and told him to open his mouth. At first he said no, but I said I'll tell mom that you're the one who smoked all her crank that time last month. Needless to say he opened up wide, I stuck it in, I told him he will swollow what I give him. And he did. That sort of thing went on untill I was 14 and I got bored with him. Later, I realized this act was also pretty gay.

Doug eventually ran away, we havent seen him since.


I'm sorry I cant go on, this all is too painful. Maybe Ill finish another day...

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9 Comments on "

Shemp's life story

"

(Funniest: Shell Belle,Octopus Carrying Dinosaur,Pramable Lectern)


Funny 5 votes 3.6 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136784
Octopus Carrying Dinosaur 1,029 12
02/04/2010 03:05 PM

Well, MY vagina definitely closed up after reading that.

 

Chuckleworthy 1 votes 2.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136788
Shempxistential Blues 22,222 17
02/04/2010 03:18 PM

Well, MY vagina definitely closed up after reading that.



There is a difference between close and pucker.

 

Funny 2 votes 3.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136790
Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
02/04/2010 04:50 PM

That sort of thing went on untill I was 14 and I got bored with him. Later, I realized this act was also THE ARISTROCRATS!

 

Chuckleworthy 1 votes 2.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136791
missfett 72 10
02/04/2010 05:40 PM

My vagina had no reaction to this thread whatsoever.

 

  0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136792
missfett 72 10
02/04/2010 05:41 PM

Should I feel cheated?

 

Chuckleworthy 1 votes 2.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136796
Blue Suede Shempxistential Blues 22,222 17
02/04/2010 07:22 PM

That sort of thing went on untill I was 14 and I got bored with him. Later, I realized this act was also THE ARISTROCRATS


The AristoCats! I love that Frost-ing movie!

I bet Frat and Haggis love this movie too.




Really I had to Google THE ARISTROCRATS. Which led me to Wikipedia, I havent seen this film, but I have Netflix so now I will.

 

Chuckleworthy 1 votes 2.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136815
Octopus Carrying Dinosaur 1,029 12
02/04/2010 11:56 PM

From Wikipedia: "The Aristocats... revolves around a family of aristocratic cats, and how an alley cat acquaintance helps them..."

Oh, it helped out, alright.



This could be Maury material.

 

  0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136816
Nerd, Admiral of the MS Painter. 27,000 12
02/04/2010 11:58 PM

I see cat stew in their future.

 

Side-splitting 2 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054136822
Shell Belle 77,143 25 reads initial post and heads off to the shower with a wire brush and a bottle of Clorox
02/05/2010 12:41 AM