Be warned; The following post is gross.
A comedy article
by Shempxistential Blues  22,222  17
02/04/2010 06:38 PM 691 views
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I was just sitting here thinking of gross Shakespeare that has happend in my life. I thought of a few. But there is one I must share with my follow Gabbers/Livers/Zuggards. I dont care if I get clickies for this. I want you all to have nightmares about this. And if it crosses your mind during the day, I want you to shudder in grossosity.
Some 15 years ago or more, I knew this woman. And I mean knew in the biblical sense. She was for me what the cool kids call a booty-call. During this time period(forshadowing) sometimes when I was drunk or otherwise intoxicated. I would call on her, and 99% of the time she would invite me over.
Such was the case this particular night. It was 2 or three in the morning, I had been at a party. I called, we will call her fat daughterSwagathor. I called Swag, I called her Swag for short, and she said come right over.
I arrived and we chit-chatted for a minute or two. Then it was off to the boudoir for some late night shamed filled sex in the dark. In bed, I like to mess around a while, mutual masturbation and stuff like that. Well, I eventually work my hand down to her pussoir. It felt very wet already, I thought to myself, "Wow she sure is ready." So after a little while of that I start to bring my hand up to grab some titty. She starts sucking on my fingers and hand. Again I'm thinking, "What a horny bitch." She proceeds to lick and suck on my hand for a good 5 minutes. When she got done we had the shameful sex.
After we finished, without turning the lights on. I got dressed, said bye, and Ill call her soon. When I got home the first thing I wanted to do was shower the stink of shame and booze. When I drop my pants, I see that my tighty whitey's have blood on them. The first thing I think of is that I'm bleeding some how. As I drop my drawers and start to inspect my frank and beans, I notice blood caked in the creases between my finger nail and skin. It wasnt blood from me, Swagathor was on the rag and thats why she sucked my hand so long.
EWWWWWWWWW!
Needless to say that was the last time Swag and I got together. I had no idea, we never turned the lights on.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
12 votes
3.6
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Kismet! 168  6
02/04/2010 09:24 PM
Well, if I wasn't already queer, that would have pushed me over the edge. Clickies for sharing, and I'll take your word for it- no pics necessary.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
02/04/2010 10:05 PM
Needless to say that was the last time Swag and I got together
Quitter.
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Funny
10 votes
3.6
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Phuc 237,919 21
02/04/2010 10:46 PM
I got me a hankerin' fer some ribs! Who's with me?
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Funny
8 votes
3.7
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Phla™ - Accept no substitutes 131,068 34
02/04/2010 10:49 PM
Now that everyone is reading *everything* for fear of missing something big and it being deleted in an hour...
way to take advantage, Emerson.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Nerd, Admiral of the MS Painter. 27,000 12
02/04/2010 11:46 PM
I wish someone would delete this thread.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
02/05/2010 01:51 AM
So what was your hangover cure?
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.3
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
02/05/2010 02:06 AM
Pussoir cracked me up.
The whole scene, though...Blech. First thing that comes to mind is the sequence from Dexter Season 1 when the Ice Truck Killer is drawing with a Sharpie (intentional pun on behalf of the writers?) on the back of the hooker with the fake hand, and she sucks on his fingers.
The bit about the vaginal blood reminds me of the first time I had sex, in Ohio. A girl I met on the internet, well.. I moved in with her and our very first time was, er... She was on the rag, and I... went...down...on...that.
Mouthful of blood, to say the least. Not wanting to spoil the moment and without missing a beat I exclaimed, "Bluh! I'm Dracula."
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.2
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
02/05/2010 02:12 AM
Then, as you might expect, I threw up for 5 hours and 26 minutes.
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0 votes
0.0
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helloooo nurse 379 8
02/05/2010 02:19 AM
You guys/boys/men crack me up............You know you have ALL done it, at one time or another.........The horndog factor ALWAYS overrules the nastiness factor.....Fess up boys.........
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0 votes
0.0
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
02/05/2010 03:09 AM
Oh yeah baby, when I'm in the moo-od for love, I'll do anything for that blood juice. Sheet, put ice on it and a little umbrella, I'll be nursing that drink for days.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42 Frost-ing sarcam tags!
02/05/2010 03:10 AM
[/sarcasm]
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0 votes
0.0
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Nerd, Admiral of the MS Painter. 27,000 12
02/05/2010 03:16 AM
I don't know if you need that tag it was laid on pretty thick.
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0 votes
0.0
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Barney T Dinosaur 2,612 19
02/05/2010 03:16 AM
Pram thats some of the funniest posts you have ever made! 5 Orbs!
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Funny
7 votes
3.6
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UnderChickens- you know you wanna b 286,634 61
02/05/2010 03:20 AM
There is a HUGE difference between sending ole-one-eye down the bloody chute and going in to kiss the bean and finding out afterwards about the tomato sauce.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
02/05/2010 03:28 AM
Pram thats some of the funniest posts you have ever made! 5 Orbs!
'Twas culled'd from mine own pain.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pramable Lectern 80,728 42
02/05/2010 03:29 AM
HUGE difference between sending ole-one-eye down the bloody chute and going in to kiss the bean and finding out afterwards about the tomato sauce.
Worse, we'd had spaghetti n' meatballs for dinner that night. I'll never know why she likes to eat naked but she was a spiller, let me tell you!
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
02/05/2010 03:44 AM
In on of the Write luck Tucker Max entries I wrote, I mentioned Abby.
Well at the end of our friend of benifits relationship, she drunk dialed me in the middle of the afternoon and said she had to see me. So I drove over to her place and she talked me into buying her another bottle of Whiskey.
We got back and started taking shots, but I knew that it wouldnt be too long before she passed out so I suggested she go take a cold shower. I started watching TV and after about half an hour I decided to see if everything was ok.
I walked into her bedroom and found her collapsed face down on the bed, having never even made it to the shower. I was frisky and I knew she was too, so I sat down on the edge of the bed, and grabbed her butt so I could shake her awake. As soon as I touched it I knew that her black slacks had been hiding something. They were soaked.
I withdrew my hand from her buttock like it was a radioactive spill and the breeze created by the motion wafted the musty smell of whiskey pee into my already flared nostrils.
I got out of there as quickly as possible and never answered her booty calls again.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Nerd, Admiral of the MS Painter. 27,000 12
02/05/2010 04:19 AM
Thanks brad for the fat guy/girl almost sex picture you painted with your words.
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0 votes
0.0
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Blue Suede Shempxistential Blues 22,222 17
02/05/2010 06:42 AM
You guys/boys/men crack me up............You know you have ALL done it, at one time or another.........The horndog factor ALWAYS overrules the nastiness factor.....Fess up boys.........
It's not really about the blood. I have stuck my 3 inch killer in a few bloody holes. I dont have my redwings and I dont intend on earning them. It's more about her sucking the blood off my hand, so I wouldnt see it. And then letting me get home, go to shower and thing my Coleridge is bleeding or a ball ruptured.
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0 votes
0.0
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
02/05/2010 06:48 AM
Thanks brad for the fat guy/girl almost sex picture you painted with your words.
It is so nice to see some of the old guard come back around, isn't it?
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