During your (underwhelming) abortion commercial last night, I couldn't help but muse on how hilarious it would have been if your mom had been pregnant when you tackled her and it gave her an abortion.
Congrats on your white male privilege, by the way.
No <3,
Taco
Dear Manhole,
You think think it'd be possible to rig up an alarm clock to play the beginning/chorus of KoRn's "Wake Up" instead of that beeping noise? I feel like the shock of Jon Davis screaming WAKE THE Frost UP in my ear every morning would be a more effective jolt than gradually, gently increasing in volume beeps.
Curious,
Taco
Dear Shakespeareheels who drive their kids to school in the morning,
Seriously? It's bad enough that there's a bus stop every 15 feet so the precious wittle childwen don't have to walk too far, but driving them to school every morning? Adding 20 minutes to my morning work commute so your kid can forgo an extra 10 minutes of human interaction is just Frostin' phenomenal. I hate all of you.
Yes, I'm still carrying my v-card. You laugh, but I find it's really easy and I've kept my promise to mommy. I still have some fun though! I just tell the boys in the locker room, "until we're wed you only get head" and my fave, "unless we marry, you get no anal cherry."
I saw a flyer for this in the break room of the OB unit at the hospital. Do you think this service could be utilized for people who've had ELECTIVE abortions?
WARNING: NSFW. It's basically like 4Chan in sepia tone
That's not what I'm talking about Nachos, I don't want the whole song and I don't need it to be interchangeable. I want a plain alarm clock with the beeping noise changed.
Your mom's a liar. During your commercial (paid for by the tax-evading, extortionist, extremist hate group Focus on the Family) she claims that her doctors recommended that she have an abortion while she was pregnant with you. In the Philippines, though, where she lived at the time, abortion was illegal under any circumstances and punishable by up to six years in prison. So no doctor ever recommended this. Mommy lies. Mommy is also pretty hot for an old broad. Is she seeing anyone? 'Cause I would still hit that lyin' ass.
While pregnant, Pam suffered a life-threatening infection with a pathogenic amoeba. Because of the drugs used to rouse her from a coma and to treat her dysentery, the fetus experienced a severe placental abruption. Doctors expected a stillbirth and recommended an abortion to protect her life.
-Wikipedia
That's right, ladies! If you experience major complications during your pregnancy that will most likely leave you with a stillborn or profoundly disabled child and that mean' ol doctor tells you that abortion should be considered to protect your life, don't listen to him! God will ALWAYS make sure that you will stay healthy and your child will go on to be a football star! God would never let a woman die from pregnancy complications, and he certainly wouldn't let your baby be harmed! Momma Tebow's case is entirely typical!
I shouldn't make light of such a subject. Really, it's a good thing that Mother Tebow didn't get an abortion, because if she had, we wouldn't have the cure for cancerpeace in the middle easteconomic prosperity er, I'm sorry, but what exactly is it that this boy wonder has contributed to the world?
When you put "Tastes better than ever" on your packaging, what does that mean exactly? Even if this dog poop tastes better than that dog poop, it's still dog poop.
I'm glad that you are confident in yourself. Really, that's great. You have a level of self-assurance that I have never possessed. However, let's face it... you have stress fractures in your legs just from your weight, so when you left tonight for the club wearing a shirt as a dress with nothing else but high heels, forgive me if I didn't enthusiastically agree with you after you said, "I've got a tight booty and sexy legs!" Eventually, you're going to run out of excuses as to why you can't go to the gym or why boxed mac 'n cheese is really okay for lunch. I'm sorry, but "It's a good source of protein" is not a justification for eating sausage.
Obese room mate wasn't the only one dressed like a stripper for the club. It is 17 degrees outside and you're wearing about enough cloth to make a pillow case. Maybe if you had worn something to cover up, say, even half of your abdomen, obese room mate would have put some pants on. Sexy outfits are one great, but your look just screamed, "Bathe me in ejaculate and forget my number!" I have no moral objection to making yourself alluring to the opposite sex, but come on. I'm sorry that your father was always distant with you, but how about instead of this elaborate weekly process you just save yourself some time and get "Daddy Issues" tattooed on your face? If you'll excuse me, I have to go febreze the scent of shame out of our living room.
Love,
Cinder.
P.S. You laughed when I declined your invitation to go to the club because I have homework to do. Why? Remember that line from Macbeth about how Macbeth and Lady Macbeth had already gone halfway across the river, so they might as well finish crossing it and accomplished their goal, because even if they turned around, they would be just as wet? Yeah, I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs, so I'm kind of hoping to at least graduate with a degree so that I can pay off my debt. That Shakespeare takes priority.
P.S. You laughed when I declined your invitation to go to the club because I have homework to do. Why? Remember that line from Macbeth about how Macbeth and Lady Macbeth had already gone halfway across the river, so they might as well finish crossing it and accomplished their goal, because even if they turned around, they would be just as wet? Yeah, I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs, so I'm kind of hoping to at least graduate with a degree so that I can pay off my debt. That Shakespeare takes priority.
Psssst, I don't think she does remember. On account of going clubbing instead of doing homework and reading Macbeth.
Dinesh- I would be honored to "slum it" with you if you lived within fifty miles of me... you creepy old man.
Ravos- Close. I was not doing homework and reading Macbeth. I was doing homework and watching Futurama. There are some subtle differences between the two. Besides, they didn't get drunk... my room mates are underage, so they were going to the "under 21 night" of the club. From what I understand, isn't drinking the point of going to a club? "Wooo! Let's drink some skim milk and DANCE!" Lame.
An open letter to the dumb ass who replaced me at my old job,
Hey dumb ass, how are things working out for you? Are you overwelmed yet? How's your "That's not my job" attitude going over with the new bosses? I'm doing great. Thank you for offering to do my job there for less money. It made me get off my fat ass and look for another job. Wow, would you believe one of the biggest pressure washer companys in town hired me for more than I was making there. They only hire people with experience though so your "I grew up on a farm and can fix anything" schtick wouldn't help you here.
Since I've been working here (5 days), I've taken 11 of your big accounts. Apperantly, the customers liked MY work and didn't care about who I was working for. Hope you can keep your job after I'm done taking the rest of your business. If not, I know this street corner down the road that needs a beggar with a "Will work for food" sign.
Condescendingly,
Bill the Squirrel
P.S. You can keep the 30mm socket you stole. With the money you make, I know buying tools must be a hardship.
I'm clearing out my house right now. Anyone who wants an unofficial BoC from me, send me your mailing address. I promise not to send actual crap or stalk you. Email in profile.
Hey douche, let me ask you something. ARE YOU Frost-ing STUPID? Do you not understand the whole premiss of "Sober Living"? If you are going to live at a sober living house why don't you try to, I don't know......STAY SOBER! If I wanted to hang out with a total douche bag loser, who gets drunk and acts like an ass, I wouldn't have quit drinking. Then I wouldn't have to put up with it, the people hanging out with me would.
Soberly,
Bill the Squirrel
P.S. Wash your ass, you're stinking up the whole Frost-ing house!
How in the hell did you find someone willing to marry you? Most of you are pushing maximum density and all of you are the meanest bitches I have ever seen. Yet here these men are, doing your bidding and taking your abuse.
While I am usually of the opinion that domestic violence is a terrible thing, in your case I might make an exception. If your men were to magically grow some balls, belt you in the face and tell you to go make them a sammich, I would stand up and cheer.
Damn. If I'd seen this thread sooner, I would have put my Amazing Race post in it instead of making its own lame thread.
Anyway, I have a letter:
Dear Boss:
I HATE YOU SO MUCH. Even though you look like a cute little cartoon mouse and I always picture you with little twitchy whiskers and ears, I still hate you. You are a craven, phony jerk who takes no responsibility for anything. You are also stupid and don't understand retail at all and the only reason you got your job is because our district manager is a closeted homosexual and hires men he thinks are cute. I mean, he hired you two weeks after meeting you at a baseball game both your sons were attending. Didn't you think that was a little odd considering your lack of experience in home-improvement retail?
You told me I was overpaid, and yet I make 10% of the store's sales. And if I suck so much, why do I get bonuses on every other paycheck for exceeding sales goals? I love the way you've buried the letters from customers saying how much I helped them. I hope you didn't stick them up your ass because Mr. District Manager might find them.
I look forward to the day when you are fired. Because you will be. I have seen many managers come and go, but I always stay where I am. Once a younger, cuter guy shows up at a baseball game or where ever else Mr. DM goes to meet guys, you will be history.
Bridezillas and other "reality" shows of it's ilk are populated by self serving wannabe actors and actresses who want to be famous, no matter the cost. Typically they are acting out on the advice of a director or producer in order to boost ratings.
I do agree with your assessment that these women need to be beaten within an inch of their lives. I would go one step futher and beat the Shakespeare of the men as well for whoring themselves out and acting like little pussies on TV in the hopes of getting famous.
Let it not be said that there aren't repercussions. You may find the following story hilarious
You may think you are, but you are never too young to fear the reaper. Even when you're still wearing your gold plated diapers, babies. Now gimme that cowbell.
Another letter to my morbidly obese room mate: For the love of god, if you're in "love" with a different guy every two weeks, it's not love. When you pick your wedding dress every time you have a slightly flirtatious conversation with a guy, that means you're batShakespeare crazy. The last guy you fell in love with was someone you haven't seen since middle school, but he facebooked you from his new home in Maryland. You actually talked about marrying him when he came to visit you. PLZ RE-EXAMINE YOUR LIFE. Kthnxbai.
I was hoping that by posting this thread you'd see what the foundation of your community is, what brings and keeps people in your Zugiverse. I don't know if you read it, but I hope you do.
You see, you are the King of Comedy. But, like many kings before you, you've become complacent with your station on the throne.
The pranks you pulled off back in the day - from the mega elaborate (the MJ prank, the John Hargrave is dead prank) to the simple (the Credit Card prank) drew in an audience that became captive to your words. No, not just an audience - allies. Other pranksters, people cut from the same cloth. Hell, even though the Super Bowl prank was a bust, it still took huge balls to even attempt it.
What changed? How did we fall from perfectly executed, original material to what we are now?
I'm not some old curmudgeon who thinks all change is bad, but change for the sake of change is apt to cause some problems and the growing pains of Live to to speak have been, in my opinion, a major stumbling point as far as improving the content of Zug. I'm sure 99% of the time when you see a post by me you just think I'm a bitch, but it's tough love. I bitch because I know you can do better. Zug used to make me laugh so hard I cried.
You used to be one of us, man. Now you rarely post and when you do it's only in one of your own threads or in a Jenni Maier thread. Like that recent bullying/prank thread. Dude. What the hell was up with that?
Love,
Taco
P.S. Can we go back to having to wait six months for Chichi to edit and approve an article? I don't mean that literally, but I feel like articles should definitely go through some sort of editing/proofreading process to weed out unoriginal content and illiteracy.
John is too busy counting all the money he is making from the advertising revenue and kissing the ass of any former B-List comedy "star" (i.e. the actor from "The State") trying to get them to post to worry about us on a regular basis.
He has found that he can get IT support by giving away icons that his friend draws rather than actually paying anyone.
Soon his only hobby will be keeping the Beagle Boys out of his safe so he can swim in his money in peace.
he hired you two weeks after meeting you at a baseball game both your sons were attending. Didn't you think that was a little odd considering your lack of experience in home-improvement retail?
Honestly, I have no problem with the new method of submitting articles. Only the ones that John selects go on the front page, meanwhile the process is way less intimidating. Plus it is an advantage to John that the article submissions are being read and orbed by us, because it alerts him to what other people think is funny.
I haven't forgotten about your alarm clock Taco! It's actually about 50% complete. I've run into a little trouble, it keeps saying "no more messages" after it plays the Korn song loop.
Is there any way that I can add things to the fish? I want to record my voice yelling at my kids. Then I could play that in the morning and not have to repeat, "Go brush your teeth, you're going to be late!" twenty times. I'm starting to feel like a parrot.
I'm actually kidding. I wouldn't change Mr. Fishy for anything. I loves him. But you have to admit it's a good idea.
Is there any way that I can add things to the fish?
In its original design, the SS09 had a USB controller attached to a ICSP to give a user the ability to program the two microcontrollers with a simple Visual Basic script. I had to scrap the idea in the end, I had underestimated the challenge of syncing the mouth movement with the audio. It took a lot of tedious work.
If you change your mind, I can reprogram it. You would have to send it back to me and give me the audio. I can make it say anything you want.
But you'll have to do it before I get started on the SS10, which will begin shortly after the completion of the taco cloc. This baby, the SS10, will feature a relatively new technology, the POV display(wiki). It's wicked cool.
This video (not my handywork) is my inspiration for the SS10. I'm totally gonna make it do the Death Star and a smiley yellow Orb. Who knows what else, I'm open for idea's though!
I dunno, but those things were COOL. I set mine up as a back-light with no pieces and the grating in front. There was cotton glued around on it to suggest mist. The plan was to do a Tool video in stop motion, in the style of Hell Raiser. It never got made because the tripod wobbled side to side as it was cranked upwards, and also because the camera wouldn't do single frame animation, so I had to record 3 seconds of each movement and then throw it in fast forward to see the animation. Upon seeing the results of this, I fired myself and didn't return to animation until 4 years later.
The upshot of this was that the animation process made my parent's VCR psychotic and it never worked the same after that. They took it in for repairs, but it was like Gage in Pet Cemetery- dead, but reanimated (so to speak).
In its original design, the SS09 had a USB controller attached to a ICSP to give a user the ability to program the two microcontrollers with a simple Visual Basic script. I had to scrap the idea in the end, I had underestimated the challenge of syncing the mouth movement with the audio. It took a lot of tedious work.
I had been refreshing frantically since the mini tripod, clicked right when it popped up, and it was loading reaaaaaaaly slow so I was like "Frost yeah BoC," but when it finished loading...I was back on the woot page looking at a Frost-ing GPS thing.
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