Crappy Consumer Reports: Worst Valentine's Day Gifts for Men
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
02/10/2010 05:42 AM 5376 views
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Buying the perfect gift for Valentine's Day is a risky venture for men, as I detailed in last week's installment. But for hetero women, getting the perfect gift for the guy in their life can be nigh impossible. Buying an adequate gift, however, is pretty simple, as guys in general are pretty easy to please.
There are some gifts, though, that you should never purchase for a man ever, under any circumstances. To do so will lead to resentment, tears, and stunted emotional growth, as Super Bowl advertising has taught us all men are vindictive, resentful man-babies. With that in mind, I've compiled a list of gifts you absolutely should not buy, no matter what, for the man in your life this Valentine's Day.
Cuff Links
If you type the words "man" and "gift" into any search engine, you will inevitably see cuff links listed as a viable option. This is a lie perpetuated by the shadowy cabal of the cuff links industry, who realized over one hundred years ago that they make a product roughly thirty-seven men in the entire world actually use, and have spent their time ever since trying to convince people to buy these stupid things.
Does the man in your life ever wear shirts with cuffs? If you answered "yes," then I have no idea why you're wasting time reading a comedy site when you could be off on your private jet somewhere flying to visit Monaco for the weekend before returning to your winter house in some private island I can't even see on my poor people map. If you answered "no," does the man in your life ever wear shirts with sleeves? Yeah. Didn't think so. So what the hell is he going to attach these to, his balls?
That's such a good lead-in for this next item:
The Candy Pouch
Your guy is such a jokester! And something like this would be "hilarious" while encouraging a little spice in the bedroom, right? Win/win! Except that candy and sex should never mix. What's the one thing your parents always warned you about before you left the house as a child? Men with candy in their crotches. And they weren't necessarily worried about cavities, either. You've got obvious pube-tangling risks, combined with the fact that if he puts this on, it's going to be mashed up against your face in milliseconds. All you'll hear as you black out from oxygen deprivation will be soft pleas to, "Just eat it. Eat the candy like a good girl."
And that's assuming he puts it on. Women, you've been subjected to the horrors of edible panties for years. Don't feed the cycle. This is a useless gag present that won't even see the light of day. Worse, you run the risk of the embarrassing encounter when you walk in on him one day idly munching on the crotch of his own underwear.
Money Clip
Similar to cuff links, a money clip basically says, "I know ties suck as gifts, but I still don't know anything about you." Here's a quick test as to whether or not a guy might need a money clip: does his cash routinely fall from his hole-riddled pockets, only to be blown away by the cruel winds of fate? Does he often complain of not understanding newfangled "wallet" technology? Is he fundamentally incapable of purchasing things he desires or needs? Fine. Get him a Frost-ing money clip. Congrats on marrying a mouth-breathing simpleton.
If, however, he already has some way of storing his cash and cards, like a wallet for instance, this is a stupid gift. In fact, as a general rule, a gift should be counted as worthless if it can just as easily be replaced by a rubber band. Some people believe gifts should be practical, useful things you wouldn't think to buy yourself. These people are jackasses. Gifts should be fanciful, extravagant luxuries you wouldn't think to buy yourself because they're so goddamn cool you don't feel like you deserve them.
Love Pills
Are you even serious? "Love pills?" Oh man, you're one of those cutesy, 35-years-old-and-still-buying-stuffed-animals weirdo women, aren't you? Look, candy's not a terrible idea, but have the decency to get something good instead of repackaging a box of Red Hots and printing some stupid prescription label off the Internet. Handmade gifts can be great, provided you're actually doing something creative and not just reading how to make a Shakespearety craft from eHow.com
I hope you have a severe addiction to painkillers, because that's the only way you're going to have a pill container big enough to hold a decent amount of candy. Also, men don't usually have purses or pouches in which to hold stupid Shakespeare like this, so if I want some burny cinnamon candy later on, I have to carry this thing around in my pocket. And nothing makes a guy love his gal more than when his buddies are busting his balls over whipping out a vial of "love pills" and popping a few. Your odds of being a victim of spousal abuse increase exponentially if you get this.
Mandelay Cream
This isn't so much a gift as it is a passive/aggressive swipe at the ruin you two call a sex life. I guess if you're going to open this can of worms, Valentine's Day is as good as any. "Honey, before we enjoy the festivities on the one day a year on which we both expect sexual satisfaction, I'd like to address your hair trigger." This sort of thing is meant to be purchased alone, either on the Internet or with a shameful downward gaze at the Walgreen's in the next county over. Never presented as a gift.
That being said, giving this as a gift does sort of imply that you actually want sex, so he might just be willing to overlook the scathing indictment of his sexual performance. How YOU doin'?
(And don't forget to check out our Worst Valentine's Day Gifts for Women!)
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improviser based in Los Angeles and St. Louis who teaches improvisational acting at The Improv Trick. You can read his words at Life with Randy or see him perform with Ghost Baby Abortion and Knife Fight regularly around St. Louis.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
20 votes
4.3
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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John Hargrave 128,034  70
02/10/2010 05:52 AM
I am embarrassed to say that I actually have worn cuff links.
Hopefully the fact that I have never worn a candy pouch makes up for it.
Great article -- going live on the homepage today!
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Funny
8 votes
3.9
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
02/10/2010 05:54 AM
I'm just going to start referring to my junk as a candy pouch all the time.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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red the opinionated 600 15
02/10/2010 06:00 AM
*pokes Mandelay back under the bed with her big toe*
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
02/10/2010 06:09 AM
Any lady with a tube of Mandelay under her bed must have an epic vagina.
Or butthole.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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peoriagrace 6,153 11
02/10/2010 06:58 AM
5 for this: run the risk of the embarrassing encounter when you walk in on him one day idly munching on the crotch of his own underwear.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Madness 4,360 10
02/11/2010 03:58 AM
They won't tell you this on the box, but the chemical formula of Mandelay when rubbed on the shlong sends signals to the brain which instantly makes the man visualize the Queen making out with and fondling Mother Theresa.
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.2
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
02/11/2010 05:03 AM
They won't tell you this on the box, but the chemical formula of Mandelay when rubbed on the shlong sends signals to the brain which instantly makes the man visualize the Queen making out with and fondling Mother Theresa.
I thought it was supposed to DELAY ejaculation?!
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0 votes
0.0
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resartus 404 8
02/11/2010 07:35 AM
I'll regret this, I know it, but still...
So then Mr. Cleveland, what image would it send to your brain?
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
02/11/2010 07:58 AM
Your mom!
No, too easy.
Burning corpses!
No, too cliche.
Your mom's burning corpse!
No, too arousing.
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Funny
8 votes
3.5
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/11/2010 08:31 AM
Send me no flowers
Nor candy-filled hearts,
Nor cutesie-pie cards
Of Cupid with darts,
I'm beyond all of that -
Now don't think me a slob
But what I really want
Is a simple blow job.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Shell Belle 76,615 24
02/11/2010 08:56 AM
On my 30th birthday, one of my friends got me a bottle of "Old Fart" Pills. She accidentally (I think) left the price on so I discovered that she had paid $7.95 for them.
I don't know who should've felt worse: her, for paying $7.95 for 50 Red Hots, or me, for having a friend who would spend $7.95 for 50 Red Hots.
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0 votes
0.0
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CrackedBag 128 5
02/28/2010 03:37 PM
The main issue, really, with the candy pouch is that it's made out of those Shakespearety candy necklaces. Any girl over 7 has learned that they taste like chalk-coated ass, which eliminates almost half of my girlfriends. I'm saying it's simply a matter of candy quality. Now, I'm not suggesting that you hang out in the berry-dipping section of your local Godiva store (mostly because running from Paul Blart with chocolate on your junk is harder than it sounds)...but you really cannot go wrong with a bottle of Magic Shell to celebrate a holiday.
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