The Chicken Wing Suicides Experiment
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
02/10/2010 07:13 AM 7037 views
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Chicken wings are the Eurekan combination of "How can we possibly sell these leftover scraps?" with "Wait a minute, people drink!"
There are an amazing number of chicken wingeries near my apartment. One block contains an impossible five wing joints, which battled it out for years like a UFC championship fight, until one finally closed -- and another replaced it immediately!
The implications are terrifying. Like mass and energy, are there a limited quantity of wings in existence? Is all the universe's "missing matter" eaten with Bud on Super Bowl Sunday? And far more importantly: how exactly are they reappearing after we digest them?
The Theory of Chicken Wings. (Standard Model included to increase scientific effect)
This demanded immediate and dangerous scientific experimentation. The Large Hadron Collider probes the laws of the universe by accelerating subatomic particles to incredibly high energies; Professor Wallybob and I decided to do the same with our stomachs! We would drive our digestive tracts to unexplored energy intensities by visiting all the wingsteraunts in one go, ordering the hottest "suicide" wings at each.
We would discover many things. Not all of them good.
Reporting
Location: Each wingstallation would be surveyed before sacrificing chickens, in a far more convenient (and flavorful) form than rituals historically used to learn about reality by animal sacrifice.
Wingtensity: Wingtensity is a brand-new physical value, so we're rating it as scientifically as possible.
I steeled my nerves, steadied my stomach, and kissed my ass goodbye (not the most pleasant experience, but I suspected I wouldn't want to be within two miles of the thing the next morning). Wallybob pre-emptively cursed me, ZUG, and you for enabling us both. We began.
Yea, though we walk through the valley of the suicide of wings, we will fear no evil, for beer art with us.
Please continue to Part 2: The Smell Of Fear!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
14 votes
4.3
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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resartus 404  8
02/10/2010 11:20 AM
This may turn out to be the funniest Zug article ever. it's only the first part and I am laughing so hard my head hurts and I would be in trouble if anyone else were home. Also, as I was flailing with laughter I hit my self in the crotch and BOY, DOES THAT HURT, MY LEFT NUT IS CURSING ME, and I'm still laughing.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Redwing 3,656 30
02/10/2010 11:50 AM
Those are some pretty fancy glasses you're holding there. I gotta ask... what the hell are those paper things on them, are they like skirts or something?
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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TopHatSnake 3,138 10
02/11/2010 02:40 PM
"nanochickenry"
pure gold.
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0 votes
0.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
02/12/2010 01:03 AM
Very nice, Luke! I like your graphical rating system. Which person in the picture is you?
I'm also intrigued by the paper on the glasses. Is it so you can write your name on yours to claim it? Usually coasters go below the glass. Hmm.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
02/16/2010 05:51 AM
If I ever need an organ donor, remind me not to call Luke McKinney.
Really funny article series from start to finiShakespeare will take a place of honor on our homepage today.
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