Last year, I invented a new diet called the GigaCleanse,,, which is based off a crazy diet called the Master Cleanse, which basically involves consuming nothing but lemonade for ten days. It's also called the "Lemonade Diet," or "insane."
I received more questions and comments on this piece than anything I've written. People seem amazed to learn that human beings can survive without solid food for ten days, although runway models regularly survive for six months or more, consuming only lemon water and Elle.
"Does this skin make me look fat?"
So this year, I decided to not only repeat my GigaCleanse,, experiment, but to make it even more difficult. Ladies, gentlemen, members of the Senate: I introduce you to the Food Hat,,.
Patent pending.
You may have heard of "leading with the carrot," which is putting a tasty treat in front of a horse, employee, or other lower form of animal. I will be leading with the donut.
"Carrot, on sale it was."
For ten solid days, I will eat no solid food. I will be allowed only a "lemonade" beverage made from lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. In the morning, I will be forced to drink a quart of warm salt water -- and in the evening, a colon cleansing supplement. [Read the full program here.] And for a minimum of one hour each day, I must subject myself to a delicious food dangling in front of my face. It is a new program I'm calling the TeraCleanse,,.
By the end of this, I will have the willpower of a supermodel. Too bad I won't have the face to go with it.
TERACLEANSE,,: DAY 1
Starting weight: 157 pounds
Temptation food: DONUTS
I woke up from a mild food coma. The previous night, I had stuffed myself with my "last meal" of pasta, bread, and brownies, so I woke up with a .2 BCL (Blood Carbohydrate Level). It's like the Keebler Elves moved into my intestine and set up a bakery.
Worse, I woke up with a cold, not a terrific way to start my ten-day cleanse. On the bright side, I'll be getting plenty of Vitamin C through the three pounds of lemons I'll be drinking each day.
My first order of business was the "salt water flush," a quart of warm saline which you choke down for breakfast. It's smooth like seawater, and within an hour my stomach was making sounds like a failing aquarium fishtank. This "gentle" cleansing solution is gentle in the same way that riot police are gentle with a firehose. Now imagine the firehose filled with mulligatawny soup, and you'll get the idea about the first hour of the TeraCleanse,, diet.
"Mmm ... mulligasomething soup."
Now that the worst had passed, so to speak, I made up my jug of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, which is just as delicious as it sounds. Taking the first sip, I reminded myself: "Only 9.9 days to go."
"Glazed expression"
I sipped my lemonade throughout the day, feeling sick and miserable and hungry. My mood got worse when I put on my first Food Hat,,, which had a delicious glazed donut hanging just inches from my nose.
I worked for an hour at the computer, the donut directly in my field of vision. Although I was starving, and the donut looked incredibly delicious, I was fortunate to have the cold -- my nose was blocked from the donut's incredible powers. This was good, because every couple of minutes, the donut would actually bump against my nose.
After an hour, I victoriously took off the Food Hat,, and threw the donut into the yard for the neighborhood critters. Or a wandering detective.
TERACLEANSE,,: DAY 2
Starting weight: 152.5 pounds
Temptation food: COCONUT
Standing on the scale for my morning weigh-in, I let out a cry of victory. You've got to love a diet where you lose four and a half pounds on the first day.
My experience has been that the first few days of the Master Cleanse are the hardest, because you have to go through the caffeine withdrawal, alcohol withdrawal, ham withdrawal, etc. Still, it was much easier than last year, because I managed to stay (mostly) off caffeine and (completely) off alcohol for an entire year, proving this program can actually make lasting changes to your diet and health. If it doesn't kill you.
What did kick my ass was my cold, which continued through Day 2. On the bright side, I could not smell the delightful temptation dangling from my Food Hat,,: an entire bag of coconut.
You put the lime in the coconut and eat it all up. (Unless you're not eating.)
Some people are chocoholics; I am a cocoholic. I'm koo-koo for coconut. I will happily ingest coconut in any form -- raw, shredded, toasted, milk, water, soup, or gravy -- except perhaps snorting a line of coconut. "I'm with Coco."
Somehow I made it through my hour-long work session with the bag of coconut dangling annoyingly in front of my face, and went to bed feeling the worst has passed. Most of it through my flugelhorn.
But the temptations were only getting started. Stay tuned for Part 2.
Please continue to Part 2: The Tests Get Tastier!
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