Master Cleanse + Food Hat = The TeraCleanse Diet, Part 2
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,751  73
02/11/2010 02:36 AM 3666 views
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I was on a quest to complete my ten-day TeraCleanse,,: a new diet that combined the difficulty of the Master Cleanse with the silliness of the Food Hat,, [Read Part 1 here]. Now it was time to turn up the juice, so to speak.
TERACLEANSE,,: DAY 3
Starting weight: 154 pounds
Temptation food: PIZZA
Somehow I gained weight since yesterday, though I assure you I have eaten nothing. Maybe I put on calories from the smell of food, which today grew quite intense, now that my cold subsided.
It's interesting that fasting causes your sense of smell to be heightened, which I guess is some evolutionary trick to help humans more easily locate food when we're starving. But the problem today is not finding food, since my house is full of it; it's refraining from eating food.
Die, die, this American pie.
My willpower was severely tested when I wore a slice of pizza on my Food Hat,, tonight before going to bed. The kids had eaten pizza for dinner, and I had to let it cool so the bubbling cheese and tangy sauce didn't slip onto my lap. It was overpowering, the smell of my favorite food, especially when it bumped against my lips. I was so committed to the experiment that I didn't even lick my lips to get the pizza molecules into my hungry mouth. I just sat there, angrily watching TV and thinking about how good coconut would taste on top of a pizza.
TERACLEANSE,,: DAY 4
Starting weight: 152.5 pounds
Temptation food: APPLE
"Apple?" you might sniff. "Big deal." When you're sniffing an apple in front of your nose, it is a big deal, especially when you love apples as much as I do. Seriously, we mow through two dozen apples a week in our house. If "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," then our doctor is moving to Saudi Arabia and becoming a sand farmer.
If you're thinking that last sentence made no sense, then I have to say that life makes no sense, especially when you're on the fourth day of a ten-day fast. Every pleasure-producing portion of your brain has shut down, and you're left endorphinless, faced with an overwhelming sense of dread, a tidal wave of anxiety.
True, this is the state of mind that comedy writers generally live in 24 hours a day, but it's heightened when you don't have food. It's hard to write jokes when you're this depressed, which is why there are so few truly funny suicide notes.
I feel like a retarded Isaac Newton.
Back to the apple, which dangled in front of my lips and teeth for a full hour, as I tried to complete my draft of an idea I've been working on, America's Funniest Suicide Notes. I'm thinking the Lifetime network. I hear they're moving into comedy.
TERACLEANSE,,: DAY 5
Starting weight: 152.5 pounds
Temptation food: MAPLE SYRUP
You might think that maple syrup would be an odd choice for today's Food Hat,,, since I am drinking maple syrup every day. But the kind of maple syrup you use for the TeraCleanse,, is hippie organic Grade B syrup, not the refined sweetness of Mrs. Butterworth's. To illustrate the difference, here's Mrs. Butterworth's label:
Now, explain to me: how can it be "Thick-n-Rich," but also "Lite"? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, BUTTERWORTH!
Still, this syrup smells much better than the crap I'm using. Plus, there's something about drinking syrup from a matronly black woman that's inherently erotic. That woman has got some sweet-ass pancakes, and a booty to match. Am I right, fellas?
You know you need food when you start to fantasize about banging Mrs. Butterworth's waffles.
Here's to you, Mrs. Butterworth. Jesus loves you more than you will know. Wo, wo, wo.
The bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's was too heavy to hang from the hat, so I had to rest it on the table while I sat in front of the computer, Mrs. Butterworth's maply scent wafting gently into my nostrils. I began writing fan fiction about Mrs. Butterworth getting it on in a three-way with Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben in a grain silo, then realized my craving for food was morphing into a craving for sex between marketing characters.
As soon as my hour was up, I went to bed before the Michelin Man started getting it on with the Stay-Puft Marshmallow dude. Although, seriously, how hot would that be?
I swear, you can put ANY word in Google followed by "porn"
TERACLEANSE,,: DAY 6
Starting weight: 153 pounds
Temptation food: HAM
Disaster struck today, and not in the toilet: I accidentally spilled lemonade in my laptop.
Thirty minutes later.
I was working on the laptop, my glass of lemonade constantly by my side. I went to grab it, wasn't looking, and knocked it over instead -- right in the keyboard.
Now, this stuff is sticky. I immediately shut down all the power, and ran the laptop to the kitchen like I was on frigging Iron Chef and silicon was the secret ingredient. I dumped out the remaining lemonade, trying frantically to disassemble the machine and wipe out the lemonade before it dried.
Apparently, the lemonade doesn't have the same healthful effects on electronics, because that night, I turned it on to see this:
Worse than the Blue Screen of Death: The BIOS Screen of the Tenth Circle of Hell.
Utterly dejected, utterly starving, I valiantly put on my ham hat. The package claimed that the ham had been packed in "natural juices" (I hate when they pack the ham in shaving cream), and I sat there staring at my broken laptop for an hour.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cow?
It took every ounce of self-control, with that delicious-smelling piece of meat, not to stick out my tongue a half inch and lick just a tiny droplet of the natural ham juices.
So close. So juicy.
Passing yet another test, I went to bed a sad and hamless man. I was down to my final tests.
Please continue to Part 3: The Tastiest Tests!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
20 votes
4.4
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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The Write Straw 98,023  37
02/11/2010 03:55 AM
Should I assume that you are writing the articles and posting them after having already completed the challenge? I hope so, because I don't want to come here tomorrow and find out that you've either slipped into a coma from lack of nutrition or locked yourself into the nearest McDonalds with a shotgun to pick off all the fatties pulling up to the drive-thru.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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High Priestess sayth: GEAUX SAINTS! 58,967 29
02/11/2010 04:04 AM
locked yourself into the nearest McDonalds with a shotgun to pick off all the fatties pulling up to the drive-thru.
I'd hit that.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
02/11/2010 05:16 AM
I think John was born with six toes on each foot and they took off the ones next to his big toes. I also would totally orgy with John, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, H.P. and Uncle Ben.
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0 votes
0.0
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
02/11/2010 05:22 AM
I also would totally orgy with John, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, H.P. and Uncle Ben.
Watch out for the sticky whoopie cushion.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
02/11/2010 05:33 AM
John, you should patent that hat and sell them to fat people. You trying to tell me they wouldn't spend $19.95 to have a doughnut hanging in front of their face?
You could buy the next Superbowl.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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KChiki - Still not Chi Chi! 128,446 98
02/11/2010 05:43 AM
I'm not a coconut fan, so the entire bag of coconut dangling from your foodhat in Part 1 had me confused. I'm glad to see from the Mrs. Butterworth explanation that my faith in the laws of Physics is not unfounded.
Carry on!
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Ditdah 123,110 14
02/11/2010 10:20 AM
Even if this article sucked (which it doesn't) I'd have given you 5-orbs simply for "I immediately shut down all the power, and ran the laptop to the kitchen like I was on frigging Iron Chef and silicon was the secret ingredient." Funniest line I've read all year.
Also, that ham steak in front of my face for an hour would be enough to kill my appetite for a month. Ick.
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0 votes
0.0
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dasypygal-unwaxed 14,803 17
02/11/2010 11:28 AM
That juicy piece of ham slice dangling in your face made me hungry. So I made a ham and cheese omelet while waiting for your next installment.
Toes dude, TOES. Fancy up those frickin things already!
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyberjar88 917 8
02/11/2010 12:56 PM
"I feel look like a retarded Isaac Newton."
Fixed!
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0 votes
0.0
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Kiseney pitts 0 4
03/07/2010 04:14 PM
There are many different topics available here so read care full and take more information...........
Denta Smile MD
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0 votes
0.0
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Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,976 36
03/07/2010 09:54 PM
I'm really glad a spammer bumped this because the food hat pictures are pretty damn excellent.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dance Commander Ravos 63,472 21
03/07/2010 10:09 PM
Plus, there's something about drinking syrup from a matronly black woman that's inherently erotic. That woman has got some sweet-ass pancakes, and a booty to match. Am I right, fellas?
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0 votes
0.0
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Dance Commander Ravos 63,472 21
03/07/2010 10:10 PM
Sorry, was that a sweet pancake ass?
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