The Chicken Wing Suicides Experiment Part 2: The Smell of Fear
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
02/11/2010 02:48 PM 5383 views
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We're out to investigate suicide-heat chicken wings and the mysteries of existence (Part 1). One street, two men, and five wingstablishments: how can they exist so close to each other? And can they exist even closer together in our stomachs?
The Pump
Image not brightened or un-grittied, to better represent actual establishment.
Location: "YOU KNOW WHEN THEY'LL FUSKING BACK OFF!"*
Our expedition was off to a flying start, sitting at the bar beside a psychopath announcing to anyone who cared (population: zero) and anyone who couldn't get away (population: us) that the world wasn't how he thought it should be. The fellow sounded like a thesaurus begin read at random, using curses instead of punctuation. You know you're in good company when your fellow drinker has to promise the barman to leave after this last drink. At 7 p.m.
Explaining our mission to the barman, he explained they only went up to "Hot" but he would whip up some super-special "Suicide" wings that weren't on the regular menu. Already we're pushing the boundaries of human knowledge!
Wingtensity: These wings tasted like Political Correctness.
Zero heat means zero value.
They did their best, grinding up chili flakes and sprinkling them over the long-dead flesh in the hope of summoning heat, but it's a fact: regular bars aren't allowed to serve heat, because the average North American can be burned by a picture of a candle, and thinks "Spice" is a pay-per-view porn channel. Also, in North America you're not allowed to do anything anyone might complain about. That's why hot is the new mild -- because you can warn people all you want, they'll still whine when they overestimate their own non-existent capacity.
These were the hottest wings on the menu, up-hotted by specific request, but a lifetime of living in a bar kitchen had robbed the cook of even the dream of what heat might be. Straight out of the fryer these wings would be invisible on infrared. You could eat them on the surface of the sun and be refreshed by the cool taste.
Wing Machine
Location: We were disgusted with human society and mass market mild wings -- we wanted nothing but a machine that made wings happen!
Eureka!
Unfortunately that sign's about as far as the good mood lasted. Inside the place wasn't a Wing Machine: it was a factory where bits of birds no one else wanted went to die a second time. More depressing than an unattended clown's funeral, where even the priest doesn't bother to turn up, it's impossible to get the full misery of this place into words. But "fully one-quarter of the seating is around an overflowing, stinking bin" helps set the mood.
Some of the text in this image is a lie, and I'll give you a hint: "DX342" is absolutely true.
Wingtensity: The wings were exactly as appetizing as an autopsy -- if you still wanted to eat after seeing them, there's something wrong with you. Their hottest was Cajun with a "Suicide" sauce, which turned out to be more a "Mildly depressed eating a whole liter of Ben & Jerry's in front of Oprah" sauce. You'd find hotter things in an organ bank.
This didn't stop them from viciously attacking both the truth and our mucous membranes in an incredible chemical assault - the sauce reeked of artificial additives, possibly bleach, which warned our tastebuds the same way the whistle of Agent Orange crop-sprayers warn woodland animals.
It didn't taste as bad as it smelled. But it couldn't without the chef being the guy from Saw with a screwdriver inside our mouths.
Walking to the next location we began to despair. Was there no flavor in this world? Would this article be a bust? Would we never know intensity, heat, or pain?
Please continue to Part 3: Be Careful What You Wish For!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
12 votes
4.5
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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TopHatSnake 3,138  10
02/11/2010 04:33 PM
I will be thoroughly disappointed if this series doesn't end in a "day after" gastrointestinal recap.
just remember, life is like eating a jar of jalapenos, what you enjoy today might burn your ass tomorrow!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 43,391 49
02/12/2010 01:04 AM
Yikes, looks like a disappointed first two stops. Looking forward to the next installment!
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