Crappy Consumer Reports: Best Wines with Breakfast Cereal

Crappy Consumer Reports: Best Wines with Breakfast Cereal
A comedy article by Randall Cleveland

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02/18/2010 02:55 AM 7942 views

I recently discovered, after some extensive research (about 15 minutes on Google), that there is a burgeoning movement of ~~idiots~~ people who pair wine with cereal. Now, I guess if you're a wine critic, you can show up at your office with wine on your breath and it's no big deal. Speaking from experience, I can tell you mainstream employers have a serious problem with it.

This being ZUG, however, you already know where this is going. On the off-chance that you, dear reader, are contemplating making the leap, here are Crappy Consumer Reports' Best Wines with Breakfast Cereal!

If you're familiar with this column, you know I've already had some less-than-stellar experiences with both wine and cereal, so I wasn't optimistic on this series. I didn't anticipate, however, that the worst part of my experiment would be procuring my supplies.

I made the mistake of venturing to Trader Joe's on a weekend. If you don't have a Trader Joe's in your area, this is a store where smug, upper-middle-class liberals shop to assuage their guilt because the packaging emphasizes words like "organic" and "fair trade." But these types of people also don't like to be overcharged like the rubes who shop at Whole Foods, which every Trader Joe's shopper will joke, "They should call it 'Whole Paycheck!' Amiright?!" This joke has never been funny.

The appeal of Trader Joe's means that it is constantly packed wall-to-wall with smug pricks looking for heirloom lettuce. A visit to Trader Joe's is what immigrants faced when they came to Ellis Island in the 1800s, but less organized.

Ellis Island

Trader Joe's

Fighting through the wind and snow, I made my way to TJ's with a list and a purpose. Trader Joe's was crowded as usual, but I managed to snag some pretty cheap wines:

A white

A red

And, on the fancier end:

Almond-Flavored Sparkling Wine

And this thing my Dad pawned off on me.

With my wines purchased, I grabbed a plain cereal to set my baseline. I needed something middle of the road, since I'd be testing several wines, so I went with Trader Joe's high fiber Cheerios-knockoffs.