I had assembled my cereal/wine pairings in Part 1, and now I was ready to begin testing. I decided any old sap can eat some cereal and then drink some wine. I mean, hell, that's not even really a taste test. That's just a Saturday morning. No, I needed that je ne sais quoi that makes Crappy Consumer Reports so popular with the kids these days.
I needed to pour this goddamn wine on my cereal.
Test #1: White Wine on Cereal
I decided to start with the white, mainly because I don't like white wine, and wanted to get it out of the way early. I chilled the bottle for an hour, to really bring out those crisp notes of whatever the Frost Trader Joe's was trying to convince me was in there. I uncorked, poured myself a bowl of Os, and let the alcohol seep in:
Breakfast of champions. Drunk, drunk champions.
In terms of visual appeal, there's something vaguely unsettling about cereal in a liquid other than milk. It wasn't necessarily bad, but it definitely looked off. The fruity aroma of the wine was pleasant, and if I closed my eyes I could almost get excited about a glass of it, but the jarring appearance of bran cereal where I smelled wine was off-putting. I sat and stared at this witches' brew for about ten minutes before I finally mustered up the courage to take a bite.
I wish I had waited longer.
Oh my God, this was a terrible idea. The first thing I noticed was a bright note of green apple, which coupled with the cereal reminded me of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Not bad, right? Then you bite down and realize the Os have soaked up every last bit of alcohol, turning them into weeping blobs of burning.
The alcoholic vapor drifting off the bowl actually made my eyes water. No blend of fruity flavor and 52% of my recommended daily allowance of dietary fiber could make this any sort of way to start my day. The only redeeming quality about this concoction was that I had chilled the wine.
I had to bust out my trusty and patented 1-10 scale (1 being the worst, and 10 being eating pizza while getting a blowjob). I carved out my rating categories:
Visual Appeal: 4/10
Smell: 6/10
Taste: 3/10
Test #2: Red Wine on Cereal
Next, I had my basic red: a lovely 2008 Sangiovese. I took Latin *and* Greek in college, and with a name like Sangiovese I'm expecting some serious Frost-ing wine. I mean this better whip up some LSD-style fun. The label mentioned "smooth, fruity with a touch of red berry!"
Carrie needed some cereal product placement.
Holy Shakespeare. On second thought, I'm really glad I left my hallucinogens in the other room. I've eaten some pretty terrible things, but never have I had the joy of ingesting what appeared to be a murder in a bowl. Although after awhile, the red seeped through the cereal and started playing tricks with my mind, implying that maybe, somehow, this could be Apple Jacks or something.
Pictured above: not Apple Jacks
Uuuuugggghh. I made the mistake of keeping my red at room temperature, which made the alcohol vapor even more pungent. I gagged before hurking the whole damn thing up into my bowl. Any alleged notes of berries were drowned out by the stinging flavor of rubbing alcohol. This combination ruined the wine, ruined the cereal, and ruined me.
As an added downside, the bottle was impossible to re-cork, so I was now stuck with 3/4 a bottle of wine I had to use somewhat immediately.
Visual Appeal: 1/10
Smell: 4/10
Taste: 1/10
When starting your day with some vino, always go white. I wasn't quite done with my experiment, though. In fact, it was time to get fancy.
Please continue to Part 3: The Fancy Wines!
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