Scammer Karma: How I PWNED a Petty Con Man
A comedy article
by The Mailman  174,473  52
02/23/2010 01:50 AM 7016 views
|
|
If there is one thing I despise in our society, it's the people who abuse other people's kindness and readiness to help. Conversely, one thing I love about our society is the surprising ways that karma finds to bite those people back.
One day, I was walking back to my office after I had attended a meeting a few blocks down the street. I was about to enter the building when a stranger approached me. Without so much as an introductory "hello," the man pointed to the BMW parked nearby and explained to me that he had a problem with his car. He needed to make a phone call to his mechanic and wanted me to give him a few quarters for the payphone. Also, he was in a hurry because he had an important meeting out of town to drive to.
The man was wearing dress pants, a shirt and a tie. His attitude with me was Coleridgey and even somewhat condescending. Clearly, he expected me to honour his demand, because I wouldn't dare say no to an important businessman who wears a tie and drives a BMW. Furthermore, because I was wearing a tie myself, I was implicitly expected to consider him as my peer and therefore come to his rescue, no questions asked.
ZUG serendipity: while looking for images to illustrate this article, I googled the words "beggars wearing business suits" and stumbled upon this photo. Thank you, John Hargrave!
There was one thing the BMW guy did not count on: the fact that I am a paranoid freak who questions everything. For instance, wearing a white lab coat and a stethoscope is not enough to make you a real doctor in my book; wearing a brown uniform and holding a parcel with my name on it won't automatically authenticate you as the UPS delivery guy; likewise, wearing a tie and standing next to a BMW isn't enough to make you the person you claim to be with the problem you claim to have.
I should note here that while I generally advise people not to take everything at face value, there have been some times in my life where, in retrospect, I should have shut the hell up instead of asking that question:
"Yes Sir, I was doing 100 mph, but before I show you my driver's license, what proves that you're a real policeman?"
My encounter with the BMW fellow however, was not one of those times.
Something about the guy's appearance, his story and his attitude didn't fit. He was trying too hard to look like a businessman. Yet his shirt was two sizes too big, his purple and orange tie was not the kind an executive businessman would wear and his longish, slightly greasy hair did not fit the portrait of the bigwig he was trying to paint of himself.
He kept babbling while I was sizing him up; after a while, I interrupted him and asked why he wouldn't simply use his cell phone to make the call. After all, a man of his stature could not possibly be without a cell phone. He replied that he had accidentally locked himself out of his BMW and that his cell phone was inside.
This convenient excuse was the final straw that convinced me that the man I was dealing with was nothing but a petty con artist trying to scam people out of their loose change. It seemed to me like a overly elaborate scheme to steal just a few quarters at a time, but perhaps this is the first stage of con artistry, which all crooks must successfully pass before they can move on to more serious business. Who knows, maybe this is how Bernie Madoff made his first thousand dollars.
I opened my cell phone so I could call his bluff; and by bluff, I mean his mechanic. I told the man I would call the mechanic immediately if he would just give me the phone number. This turn of events took him by surprise: he mumbled something about the garage being closed at the moment, which is why he needed change so he could make the call at a later time. Having had enough of his lies, I replied "nice try!" and walked away. While I was still within earshot, he said in a very patronizing voice, still in character, "Thanks for nothing, Mister!"
I should have been referring to the guy as the "Bimmer Bum," but I just now came up with this alliteration. Bummer.
And now, for the karma part: a few weeks later, I spotted the same man again on the sidewalk, wearing the exact same outfit, playing his little con on an elderly woman. This time, his car was the Saab he was standing next to. I approached them both and asked the man what had happened to his BMW. Before he could say anything, I turned to the lady and advised her not to listen to his story, because he was playing the same trick over and over again to cheat people out of their money.
The man looked up at me with a blend of fear and scorn in his eyes. I looked back with a big satisfied grin. As the woman turned around and started to walk away, he gave me an angry stare and flipped me the bird. Still smiling, I grabbed my car keys and pressed the "unlock" button. The door locks on the Saab disengaged, I hopped in the car and drove away.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
48 votes
4.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140219
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140224
Hydrant-monkey 9,447  21
02/23/2010 02:19 AM
Moral of the story: French mailmen drive Saabs.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140227
dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
02/23/2010 02:33 AM
SAAB
Still
Ain't
A
Beemer
You're lucky that guy didn't go postal on you.
Yeah, that's all I've got.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
4 votes
1.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140228
Duke Ravos IV 62,361 20
02/23/2010 02:35 AM
When I wanna hand some karma to a con artist, I just walk into an electronics store that pays by comission and punch an employee in the face.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140232
Frogpop 173,113 25
02/23/2010 02:45 AM
Hey! I have a SnAAB too! Wanna be friends?
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
11 votes
3.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140234
Frogpop 173,113 25
02/23/2010 02:47 AM
Also, can I borrow $495? My CD changer broke.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
12 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140235
Frogpop 173,113 25
02/23/2010 02:48 AM
..and I'm late for a very important, uh.. CD change. Yeah.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
9 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140236
Duke Ravos IV 62,361 20
02/23/2010 02:48 AM
You're lucky that guy didn't go postal on you.
If anyone was going to go postal, it would be mailman.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
9 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140281
John Hargrave 128,123 71
02/23/2010 05:31 AM
Awesome article. My only complaint is that ugly mofo in the picture wearing the suit.
Live on the homepage today, and being promoted through our Facebook, Twitter, and neural networks. I smell trophy!
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
9 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140301
Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/23/2010 07:09 AM
Hilarious! I posted a link on the fife players' network, so I smell another half dozen views before summer!
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140306
Big bOObs Mcgee 6,369 10
02/23/2010 08:24 AM
Was he a bilingual con artist? Quebec is famous for having its beggars ask for change in english as well as en francais.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140307
Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
02/23/2010 08:34 AM
Best story in a while. Love it, Mailman!
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140314
Millie 116,854 28
02/23/2010 09:51 AM
I would have given him the money just because of the effort involved. I mean, he went to a lot of trouble!
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140334
The Mailman 174,473 52
02/23/2010 11:34 AM
Was he a bilingual con artist? Quebec is famous for having its beggars ask for change in english as well as en francais.
My conversation with him was in French, but I'm sure the man is perfectly fluent in English. After all, it is the primary language of international stock markets.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054140344
Under Under Duck 99,723 76
02/23/2010 12:16 PM
Awesome. 5 orbs!
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054145460
notsoBig Irish Phla 130,632 34 Gives Innell17 a few quarters for the payphone
03/20/2010 03:15 AM
I should have known... Mailman is the only one who could convince me that articles can be used for good. Well done you french bastard.
|
|
|
|
Store