EDITOR'S NOTE: We assigned ZUG writer Clive McClure a simple task: stay parked when the light turns green, and see how long it takes people to start honking. Clive traveled around the world recording his hilarious results, and now we'd like to expand his experiment further.
Here's how you can help: Do the Stop Light Patience Test in your own hometown, then record the results at the bottom of this article. Our plan is to bring all this data together into a World Stop Light Patience Map, with color-coded zones of impatience. But we need your data!
The goal of the Stop Light Patience Test was simple: how long does it take drivers to honk after a light turns green? And does it vary between cities, or is it constant? And could I complete this article without getting my ass kicked?
I practiced for this experiment by sitting in my driveway in Kansas, pretending that people were yelling at me to move it. After I could take this mindless control test no longer, I got out of the car and did jumping jacks. I then created these rules:
1. The driver has to stop at the red light.
2. The driver cannot move until someone honks.
3. Driver (or rider) must time the experience, from the changing of the light to an audible honk.
4. Cursing and thrown objects do not count as a honk.
5. The use of the word "honkey" shall not be used again in this article.
Test #1: Queens, NY
I began my test in the heart of the city that never sleeps, using a cab driver. This was tough, as New York cabbies are required by law to gun the gas when the light turns green. The language barrier also proved difficult, as I don't speak fluent Cabese.
I grabbed a taxi at LaGuardia, and loaded my 49.5 pounds of luggage into the trunk. As we left the shabby airport and ventured into Queens, I said, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, my friend, you need some liquor drinks?"
"Uh, no, I'd like to try a little experiment but I need your help ... my friend." I asked him to take a quick detour into the lovely borough of Queens, famous for producing bands such as Run-DMC. I gave him the Run-(DMC)-down of the experiment, to which he responded that I could make him dead. I offered an extra ten dollars, and the thoughts of death vanished.
We pulled off the BQE interchange somewhere around Jackson Heights. The traffic was a bit stagnant, as all the flights into the area had been delayed due to rain and a pilot flying around the airport for an hour while surfing porn on his laptop.
We pulled up to a traffic light on the corner of "wow and I can't see shibby," as the driver said something incoherent about popcorn and bacon. It sounded like a question, so I said yes and turned to make sure someone behind us. From the looks of the Rikers spotlights beaming through my eye sockets, there was someone back there.
The red light turned a dirty shade of green, and I started the clock on my new iPhone. Within 1.2 seconds, the car behind us was executing the rapid short honk method.
QUEENS, NY RESULTS: 1.2 seconds
My experiment confirmed what everyone knows: New Yorkers are crazy. A few days later, I would compare that with my home state of Kansas.
Please continue to Part 2: I Delay a Farmer For Nearly Five Minutes!
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