The Stop Light Patience Test, Part 3
A comedy article
by Clive McClure  1,300  5
02/24/2010 06:19 AM 3502 views
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In the final experiment of my Stop Light Patience Test, I traveled to London just to measure how long it would take Brits to honk at a green light [read Part 1 here].
My adventure was not off to a glowing start, as I struggled to find the international terminal in the Chicago O'Hell Airport. I asked a security guard, who mumbled "ba yaa iee" while pointing to a sign describing the purpose of a pencil.
I eventually found the train to the terminal, and quickly entered the security line for international travelers. While the small dwarflike TSA employee screamed her instructions in monotone, I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to repeat her last sentence. "THERE ARE NO RESTAURANTS OR BARS AFTER THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT," she yelled into my face, smelling of onion and turd sandwiche. I thanked her in English and promptly ducked out of line for three beers and a Big Mac. Fifteen pounds later, and I was back in line behind a nice Indian gentleman by the name of Pimple.
Unfortunately, I was in front of an Eastern European father-son combo that felt it necessary to locate their combined scroti as close to my rear defroster as possible. Turn to the left, and I was receiving the breathy gift of Vladimir Cocokonmileg. Turn to the right, and his son Mongo was riding my hip like a neutered dog.
Fortunately, I was allowed to pass through security without a probe or a shoe loss. Eight hours of flying, followed by two hours of baggage mixup, and I finally stepped out, fermenting, into the land of the Queen ... or at least the Queen's holding area.
I scanned the drivers holding up passenger signs, and was delighted to find someone holding up the greatest name on the planet: MCCLURE.
"I'm Clive McClure," I said to my new best friend, a 230-pound Indian-Iranian-Somalian-English man (his words, not mine), who took my bags with enthusiasm. I felt as if I were Indiana Jones and he was that Middle Eastern guy that sounded really cool saying "Indy!" My friend's name was Giri, pronounced "Giddy" not "Gary." Regardless, I called him Bob. He seemed to like that, as he continually overused the word "sir" after every sentence.
As we entered the car, I asked Gary a favor. "Hey Bob, do you have traffic lights here in the land of jolly?"
"Of course we do, sir," he responded.
"Well, what happens when you fail to drive through the light and just sit there ... per se ... and stuff?" I asked, like a true American genius.
He went on to describe the history of British traffic law, most of which I tuned out, though I did pick out a couple of references to angry drivers. Good enough, I thought as we exited London Heathrow.
Test #3: London, UK
"Do me a favor, Bob. Could you just sit at a light until someone honks at you?"
"Of course, sir. I want you to be happy, sir." he responded. I blushed.
"Also, Bob, could you please call me Indy?"
"Pardon, sir?"
"Just call me Indy a couple of times, please. It's for a research project," I pleaded.
As requested, he called me "Indy sir" a couple of times, prior to stopping at a light in the heart of downtown London. I was a bit disappointed when I saw that the light was not only flashing an odd red/orange combination -- but when the light turned green, it was an arrow. "What the hell is that, Bob?" I asked.
"What do you mean sir ... Indy, sir?" he said as the honks began.
Fortunately for me, I had started my iPhone timer and captured the timing. "Nothing Bob, punch it!" I yelled. Off we went at five miles per hour, or as they say in Europe, five kilomiles per hour. I rapidly converted the iPhone timing into the British time standard, and came up with 4.9 seconds.
LONDON, UK RESULTS: 4.9 seconds
I've done the pioneering work in this study, but you can see we need a larger sample size. So please conduct the Stop Light Patience Test in your own city, then record your results below. Include your city and state, as well as the amount of time it took someone to honk. Soon we will complete our World Patience Map, which will be useful in determining where governments need to ship emergency quantities of Xanax.
If you enjoyed Stop Light Patience Test, please check out The Women's Restroom Prank, in which the author removes the "W" from a "WOMEN" sign, with hilarious results.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
14 votes
4.5
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
02/24/2010 06:24 AM
Clive's work always cracks me up. Going live on the homepage today.
And so we can continue the experiment:
BOSTON, MA RESULTS: 3.2 seconds
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
02/24/2010 06:40 AM
Love the series, Clive!
Recently, when my husband and I were visiting the city of Philadelphia, we noticed with every light there was a -1 to -2 second delay with driver honks when the light turned green.
Yes, negative.
The light was still red and people would honk for us to go.
With completely different cars behind us! They all seemed to be watching the cross-traffic light turn yellow, and would honk for us to go before we got the green light!
People from Philadelphia are the least patient people I've ever experienced. Great museums, though.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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The Mailman 174,473 52
02/24/2010 06:54 AM
I've experienced negative delays in Paris, France when I was living there. People sometimes assume that you're going to take to long to move, especially if your license plate indicates that you are from out of town. In this case, they preemptively honk before the light turns green to make sure that you are paying attention to the traffic light.
Also, I'd be interested to see what result you would get doing this experiment in Rome, Italy. Over there, the red lights are treated as suggestions.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Midgets 93,936 47
02/24/2010 07:10 AM
5 just for getting him to call you Indy.
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0 votes
0.0
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Analog 9,387 18
02/25/2010 01:25 AM
BOSTON, MA RESULTS: 3.2 seconds
Not if he is in front of me - by the 3.2 second mark I've not only honked the horn by then but the window would already be down and I'd be screaming out it to get the frost out of the way!!!!!!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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SquishedKitty 168 9
02/25/2010 06:17 AM
The ticket ACTUALLY says Pimple... I thought you were just making fun of his pizza face.
I will be conducting the test after work.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 08:43 AM
Fremont, CA results: 2.4 seconds
To be fair, this was for getting on the freeway onramp, so perhaps someone behind me was just a dickhead.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Brock R 7 5
02/25/2010 10:20 AM
In Grand Rapids Michigan- 2.6 seconds on a Freeway exit ramp. The person behind me was driving a BMW if that counts extra.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Major Inconvenience 115 7
02/25/2010 03:10 PM
Waiheke, NZ: N/A
We don't have any stoplights. We just have stopsigns and roundabouts, which are (in my opinion) far more superior because the traffic flows much more smoothly. They don't work in the states because the drivers there are idiots.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 277,318 52
02/25/2010 03:58 PM
That's true. Every single one of us. Idiots. For the record, we do have roundabouts in the states and we handle them quite well. Even the ones who roll through them with their blinker on.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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hotridinghood 20 6
03/05/2010 06:59 AM
Spokane, WA: 10.27 seconds. Of course no one honked, unless you consider my wife yelling at me to go "honking"
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,324 11
03/05/2010 07:04 AM
We don't have any stoplights. We just have stopsigns and roundabouts, which are (in my opinion) far more superior because the traffic flows much more smoothly. They don't work in the states because the drivers there are idiots.
Unfortunately, half of the US isn't out Frost-ing sheep at any given time, therefore there are more people on the road and therefore we need stoplights.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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YttriumOx 1 4
03/10/2010 06:42 AM
Hannover, Lower Saxony, Germany:
4 tests: 5.6s, 4.3s, 4.8s, 4.2s. Average: 4.7s
Langenhagen, Lower Saxony, Germany:
1 test: 5.3s
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Frozen Chickens Section 282,028 58
03/10/2010 06:44 AM
East Tennessee - .002 secs
uptight rednecks gots to gets to walmarts!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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DKaine 23 5
03/31/2010 06:53 PM
Fantastic work, I was expecting Orlando to be a little more aggressive, but then again I was in the eastern-most area that could still technically be considered Orlando - coming out of a Walmart near UCF. I got a whole 4.67 seconds of green before I was assaulted from the rear (sonically.) To make up for it, the person gave me a long, angry honk rather than a short double tap reminder.
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