Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
02/25/2010 11:27 AM

Thud,
When we did all become such big pussies about a little snow? One of my co-workers was giving away his children and coating himself with Vicks Vap-o-Rub. What did the pioneers do in the old days when it snowed?

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
02/25/2010 11:28 AM

And did why I reverse those words two?

ThirstyMcSurly, Zombie MD 4,444 11
02/25/2010 11:30 AM

We could huddle for warmth if you want Dogs.

ThirstyMcSurly, Zombie MD 4,444 11
02/25/2010 11:31 AM

Also, why do they call it the gift that keeps on giving?

Midgets 93,936 47
02/25/2010 11:31 AM

Sir, Thud, Sir.

The fuel milage on my truck (3/4 ton) has been rather low lately. I've also had diarrhea (yellow) and a head ache (throbbing).
Surely these things are related.

What can I do so resolve all of these problems without spending more than $19.99?
I've already tried the ShamWOW and it only helps with one.


Thanks, Midgets.

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 11:40 AM

When we did all become such big pussies about a little snow? One of my co-workers was giving away his children and coating himself with Vicks Vap-o-Rub. What did the pioneers do in the old days when it snowed?

We became pussies about cold weather in general about the time we stopped burning witches for household purposes. This was how the pioneers stayed warm and also explains the situation at what is now called Donner Pass. They ran out of witches.

So, remember to stock up on witches if you are going to cross the Sierra Nevada Mountains in winter. I think they stock them in Utah someplace.

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 11:41 AM

And did why I reverse those words two?

You were tempted by the Yoda-speak. Don't make me get the newspaper.

Cinderblock 27,522 24
02/25/2010 11:41 AM

Dear Thud,

What's a mustache ride? I want to ride one!

Love,
Cinder

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 11:42 AM

Also, why do they call it the gift that keeps on giving?

Because they can. They can do most anything they want, especially since they elected that twunt to the City Council. It's all her fault.

High Priestess sayth: GEAUX SAINTS! 58,196 29
02/25/2010 11:43 AM

Dear Thud,

Since everyone knows the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow, what is the air speed velocity of a laden swallow?


Yours in Satan,
Priestess

High Priestess sayth: GEAUX SAINTS! 58,196 29
02/25/2010 11:47 AM

Also, would you take a look at this raShakespeare itches like crazy.

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 11:50 AM

Midgets,

I'd suggest drinking the cheapest stuff you can get and stay within your budget. You should be able to drink yourself blind (try drinking Sterno and wood-alcohol). Therefore:

1. you won't be driving anymore (#1 solved)

$. won't be able to see the color or your dumps (#2 not really solved)

b. you'll probably die from taking the wrong medication while trying to get rid of the headache

4. Profit!

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 11:52 AM

Cinder,

The mustache ride is the newest attraction at PornoLand. You can find it in the "Jungle Of 70's Hair section of the park.

Waiting for you,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 11:53 AM

Priestess,

42.

Thud

Midgets 93,936 47
02/25/2010 11:55 AM

I'm fairly sure if I have a few more drinks and think about that I MAY or may not find a flaw in it.

Probably not.

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 12:02 PM

Priestess,

The rash appears to have been caused by exposure to Pthirus pubis. Shave the involved area and apply molasses compresses until one of the stalkers outside the window volunteers to help you.

Stuck on your problem,

Thud

Analog 9,387 18
02/25/2010 12:14 PM

Thud,

If I have 3 socks in my drawer, 1 pair of white ones with a red stripe and a single white sock with a blue stripe and one of the red socks has a hole in it, which should I wear? A blue and red without holes or the pair of reds with a hole in one of them??

Brad Poynter 35,418 48
02/25/2010 12:20 PM

Is it safe to pierce puffy nipples since they shrink so when they get hard?

Innocently,
Brad

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 12:55 PM

Analog,

Darn it.

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/25/2010 12:59 PM

Brad,

In the case of puffy nipples it has been determined that piercing the xiphoid process is the safest course. It doesn't quite look the same, but 4 out of 7 doctors* say it is the best way to go.

Achingly,

Thud






* these would likely be doctors of body modification.

ThirstyMcSurly, Zombie OBGYN 4,444 11 Checks Credentials
02/25/2010 01:36 PM

I'll back you up on this one

Cinderblock 27,522 24
02/25/2010 08:17 PM

Dear Thud,
I have a pasta bias. I don't know why, but I don't like eating alfredo sauce on any pastas except for fettucini or linguini. If I put it on spaghetti or angel hair pasta it doesn't feel right. Conversely, I don't like putting tomato sauce on ribbon-shaped pastas, only on spaghetti. Come to think of it, I don't like angel hair pasta at all, because the thin noodles seem to chunk together and it weirds me out. They're only acceptable if baked in a casserole dish. I guess what I'm really trying to ask you is will you go to prom with me?
Love,
Cinder.

That's What She Said 26,020 24
02/25/2010 11:07 PM

Dearest Thud,

How do I start the snowblower? There's 15" of snow in my driveway and a plain old shovel just won't cut it.

Peace, Love, and Applesauce,
TWSS

KChiki - Wee boobs are still boobs 124,281 89
02/25/2010 11:09 PM

Analog,

Darn it.

Thud

Best. Answer. Ever.

KChiki - Wee boobs are still boobs 124,281 89
02/25/2010 11:11 PM

Dearest Thud,

What wine do I pair with raccoon meat? I'm having a dinner party.

Yours from the sticks,

KChiki

Brad Poynter 35,418 48
02/25/2010 11:17 PM

Thud,

MyThe person in questions Xiphoid Process was bifurcated in a freak Bowflex malfunction and so it will not hold a piercing well. Would it help to see a picture?

Bashfully,
Brad

MungChamp 35,886 35
02/25/2010 11:38 PM

Dear Thud,

Do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?

- Mung

MungChamp 35,886 35
02/25/2010 11:40 PM

Dear Thud,

Why do Americans chose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

-Mung

Cyco Ivan 11,324 11
02/25/2010 11:40 PM

Thud:

What qualifies you to give out questionable advice? Do you even own a lab coat? Also, how is babby formed?

Salutations,
Cyco

Ceci n'est pas une Phla 130,632 34
02/26/2010 12:00 AM

Thud,
Why? Just... Why?
-phlarglebargle

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,959 36
02/26/2010 12:58 AM

Thud,

Why do white people try to compete in Sasuke/Ninja Warrior? They always suck.

Taco

Cyco Ivan 11,324 11
02/26/2010 01:14 AM

Ooh, ooh! Thud! Can I take this one? Can I? Can I?

Taco:

White people* try to compete in Ninja Warrior to advance their delusions that "freerunning" is an actual job and not a hobby. There is also an inferiorty complex inherently built into white people which will not allow them to recognize that another race is better than they are at something

However, much of the pleasure derived from watching Ninja Warrior is watching these morons crash and burn so I would not advise white people to stop competing as it is hilarious to watch them crash and also to hear the Japanese prounounce their names.

*This excludes Levi Meeuwenberg, who's actually somewhat good at it.

All the best,
Cyco

Cyco Ivan 11,324 11
02/26/2010 01:15 AM

However, much of the pleasure derived from watching Ninja Warrior is watching these morons crash and burn so I would not advise white people to stop competing as it is hilarious to watch them crash and also to hear the Japanese prounounce their names

Run-on sentence much, you idiot?

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
02/26/2010 01:18 AM

Dear Thud,

The Canadian men's hockey team is playing Slovakia tonight at 7:30 and I'm looking for suggestions for beers and/or scotches and/or ryes to enhance the viewing experience. It's the sort of question that only a learned and sophisticated man of infallible character can properly answer.

So my question for you is, what is the plural of "rye"?

Sincerely,

BobJohnson

KChiki - Wee boobs are still boobs 124,281 89
02/26/2010 01:22 AM

Dear Thud,

My best friend's birthday is today. We're taking her out tonight and I wanted to go buy a new slutty shirt to wear during my lunch break. However, my friend just informed me that they're all going to eat Mexican food and celebrate her birthday during our lunch break.

What do I do?

Wanting to be slutty,

KChiki

That's What She Said 26,020 24
02/26/2010 04:15 AM

Dear Thud,

Are you ever going to come back? We miss you.

Xoxo,
TWSS

KChiki - Wee boobs are still boobs 124,281 89
02/26/2010 04:27 AM

Dearest Darling Thud,

Why don't you call?

Waiting by the phone,

KChiki

WhyMi 3,545 12
02/26/2010 05:11 AM

Questionable advice from Thud?

Is there any OTHER kind?

Duke Ravos IV 62,361 20
02/26/2010 05:22 AM

Dearest Darling Thud,

Why don't you call?

Waiting by the phone,

KChiki

I think his mustache has finally taken him hostage.

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 07:44 AM

Dear Cinder,

Of course I'll go to the prom with you. Are pastel green tuxedos still in fashion?

Yours in fashion,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 07:45 AM

How do I start the snowblower?

A

space

S



Yours,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 07:46 AM

KChikita,

I'd normally suggest whatever is cheapest, but in your case I'd go with a 2007 Jekel Chardonnay.

Thud

Pants 14,218 17
02/26/2010 07:59 AM

Dear Thud,

Were my words last night to the bartender, who refused to serve me because I did not have ID, inappropriate?



Me: "I've been coming to this bar for 6 years. Go ask the cook; he even knows me."

Bartender: "I'm sorry. I need to see some ID."

Me: "How about I bend over so you can count the rings in my Emerson?"

Bartender: "What are drinking?"

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:26 AM

Brad,

Hell no. Why would I want to see that? I'm not Frat.

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:27 AM

Mung,

Do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?

No, they just get to smell things before we do.

Up where the air is thin,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:29 AM

Mung,

Why do Americans chose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

We would rather have more to chose from when we want to do the Frost-ing.

Still sore,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:33 AM

Cyco (if that's really you name),

What qualifies you to give out questionable advice? Do you even own a lab coat? Also, how is babby formed?

Three questions deserve three answers. Firstly, as to my qualifications to give out advice, take a look at the advice I'm given so far. It's most pretty questionable, right> Secondly, shop at Petco in the "Ferret Accessories" section. Thirdly, wwhhatt exxaccttlly arre yyou ttallkkinngg abboutt?

Smoldering with semi-consciousness,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:33 AM

Phla,

Because...just because.

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:37 AM

Taco,

Why do white people try to compete in Sasuke/Ninja Warrior? They always suck.

Wait, you're basically asking why white people don't know that they suck at something? Really?

Disappointed,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:39 AM

BobJohnson,

So my question for you is, what is the plural of "rye"?

The plural of "rye" is "too much". Switch to a nice single malt Scotch.

Obliquely,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:42 AM

Dear Kchiki,

Go topless to the lunch. Take pictures, email in ...etc.

Perked up,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:43 AM

Dear Thud,

Are you ever going to come back? We miss you.

Xoxo,
TWSS



Dearest Darling Thud,

Why don't you call?

Waiting by the phone,

KChiki

For some reason these two questions seem to go together.

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:46 AM

WhyMi/PN,

Sure there are other kinds of advice from Thud. There's Utterly Useless, Mostly Harmless, Downright Dangerous and Inexplicably Incomprehensible.

Tamely,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
02/26/2010 08:48 AM

Dear Pants,

Never have more appropriate words been spoken to a bartender.

In awe,

Thud

Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 17,427 30
02/27/2010 03:00 PM

Thud,

I was going to the store the other day to buy a soda. Then I remembered I was on a diet, so I started looking at the diet soda. But then I remembered that diet sodas make me bloaty and gassy, so I bought a water.
1. Why did I but bottled water when there is perfectly decent water at hime?
2. Where the hell is my left shoe?
3. How do I go about putti8ng a satellite receiver on my roof so that I can borrow service from my neighbors?

Inquiringly,
Lobster

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/27/2010 06:07 PM

Can I take one of those, please, Thud?

1. Because hime is where the hurt is.

Thud 66,695 17
02/28/2010 12:28 AM

2. Where the hell is my left shoe?
3. How do I go about putti8ng a satellite receiver on my roof so that I can borrow service from my neighbors?

I'll answer number 3 first: Have someone ( boyfriend?) go up on the roof with the dish that you wish to install. Make sure you have clear view from the location you want to mount the dish to the southern sky. You'll need to have the dish elevated to about 47.8 degrees (approx, based on your location) with a direct south bearing. Use a spectrum analyzer to determine the best position to have the dish set in, then have your boyfriend stay on the roof holding the dish in that position. If he wiggles around and you lose signal, beat him mercilessly. It's the only way he'll learn to hold still during your soap operas.

For number 2, I have no idea where your shoe is. Have you tried looking?

In vino veritas,

Thud

Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
02/28/2010 02:15 AM

Dear Thud,

As everyone's body chemestries are disparate, "favorite" alcoholic drinks range from person to person. I've never found my "favorite" drink. In all of your omniscience, bestow the name of the perfect mixed drink for me, s'il vous plait!

Soon-to-be-Cheering,

Jeeni

Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
02/28/2010 02:16 AM

*chemistry is different

Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
02/28/2010 02:25 AM

Aslo haw dew yew larn tew spel, tipe end yews gud gramer?

orcgay atkay 41,132 12
02/28/2010 03:16 AM

Thud,

Is it true that ferrets without belly buttons were made by the hand of God himself?

gorc

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
02/28/2010 06:20 AM

Dear Thud,

Sometimes when I scratch behind my ears my fingers smell cheesey. The aroma is somewhere between a mild parmesan and a bold cheddar. Should I see a doctor or just buy some crackers and wine and enjoy it while I can?

Aged for flavor,
Dasypygal

Under Under Duck 99,723 76
02/28/2010 11:27 AM

Aslo haw dew yew larn tew spel, tipe end yews gud gramer?

Ooh! I can't help with the language arts, but I can assist you with math if you want.

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 09:28 AM

As everyone's body chemestries are disparate, "favorite" alcoholic drinks range from person to person. I've never found my "favorite" drink. In all of your omniscience, bestow the name of the perfect mixed drink for me, s'il vous plait!

The name?

"Jeeni's Favorite Drink".


You're welcome.

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 09:30 AM

Aslo haw dew yew larn tew spel, tipe end yews gud gramer

Reed mor gudly wurdy stufs frum peeples liek French Mailman.

High Priestess sayth: GEAUX SAINTS! 58,196 29
03/01/2010 09:36 AM

Dear Thud,


How do I know if my man is cheating on me?



HP

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 09:57 AM

Is it true that ferrets without belly buttons were made by the hand of God himself?

No. No, no, no no, no, no. No.

Maybe.

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 10:02 AM

Dear Dasypygal,

Sometimes when I scratch behind my ears my fingers smell cheesey. The aroma is somewhere between a mild parmesan and a bold cheddar. Should I see a doctor or just buy some crackers and wine and enjoy it while I can?

I'd suggest you try washing a little better, but why ruin a good thing. You should collect all the stinky scrapings you can over the next nine months. Make sure that you divide the product by scent and package them in quart jars. Label the jars by their flavors/scents, seal them up and you have inexpensive Secret Santa gifts for next year.

Hoping you don't get my name next year,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 10:06 AM

Dear HP,

If you really think he is cheating on you, follow him everywhere he goes and make accusations about random women and/or men that he encounters during the course of his day. This will hasten the demise of your relationship and allow you more time to find a guy that you can trust.

If you're just asking for future reference, then you should bookmark this thread and refer to the above.

Sidelong,

Thud

High Priestess sayth: GEAUX SAINTS! 58,196 29
03/01/2010 10:24 AM

Dear Thud,

While stalking my cheating man, should I work on my manical laughter for when I catch him in the act? Also, is the Coleridge punch acceptable before or after I dump his sorry ass?


HP

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 10:36 AM

Dear HP,

While a maniacal laughter may seem appropriate in any situation, please limit it to enclosed spaces. There's no need to frighten the animals. As to the Coleridge punch, try to time it for when you catch him cheating. Artistic timing is the core of all good revenge.

Waiting for the videos,

Thud

Big Irish Guy 203,777 21
03/01/2010 11:13 AM

Dear Thud,

My advice thread is better. But nice try.

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 11:27 AM

Dear BIG,

I'll reread your thread.

Ha.

Yep, that was about it. Sorry for you and thanks for playing.

Thud

Sin an méid a dúirt sí 26,020 24
03/01/2010 11:28 AM

Dear Thud,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Craving Chocolate,
TWSS

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 11:31 AM

Dear TWSS,

If you're talking about the candy, the rumor is it takes either three or four hundred seventeen. If you're talking about Pubah, you'll have to ask him.

Or Whistler might know.

Crookedly,

Thud

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/01/2010 11:34 AM

You should collect all the stinky scrapings you can over the next nine months. Make sure that you divide the product by scent and package them in quart jars. Label the jars by their flavors/scents, seal them up and you have inexpensive Secret Santa gifts for next year.


Done.

Looking forward to x-mas!

Crosses legsfingers,
Dasypygal

MungChamp 35,886 35
03/01/2010 11:50 AM

Dear Thud,

Why do they begin the evening news with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't?

-Mung

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 12:11 PM

Dear Mung,

They do that because they subscribe to the idea that people who watch the news will believe anything they hear that seems like news. So they tell you it's a "good" evening, then proceed to inundate you with ugly images and stories of woe. This leads to people who think that such awful things that we see nightly on the news are actually "good". Brainwashing the masses to accept whatever they news organizations want to sell you is the new business plan for groups that have no obvious revenue source. It's how Bush got elected.

Or maybe that's what the talking heads see in the Teleprompter.

Thud

resartus 404 8
03/01/2010 12:29 PM

Dear Thud,

Given that the advice is coming from you, isn't the word questionable in the title redundant?

Resartus

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/01/2010 12:34 PM

Dear Thud,





How do I stop my dog from accessing internet porn?

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 12:46 PM

Dear Resartus,

The word "Questionable" in the title was put there in the interest of full disclosure, so any other synchronicity of meaning is probably true.

Likes to say synchronicity and other album titles from the Police,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 12:49 PM

Dear Dasypygal,

So you want to stop the "dog" from viewing pooch porn.

Uh huh.

Yeah, it's the dog doing it. We all believe you. Bad dog. Bad.


Lacking sincerity,

Thud

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/01/2010 01:12 PM

by the by...he has VERY opposable thumbs.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
03/01/2010 01:53 PM

Dear Thud,

I'm all for synchronicity, and I'm pretty sure I've got a handle on regattas de blanc, but what the Frost is a zenyatta mondatta?

Yours in Law Enforcement,

W.P.

Future Druggist 2,530 10
03/01/2010 01:57 PM

Dear Thud,
What kind of dog does dasypygal-unwaxed own?
FD

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 02:16 PM

Dear W P,

Zenyatta mondatta is a derivation of an exclamation one of the band members overheard in a mens room in one of the Tube stations in London. To this day they refuse to disclose which station the restroom was in and what the hell they were doing there.

Sworn to secrecy,

Thud

Thud 66,695 17
03/01/2010 02:18 PM

Dear FD,

It appears that she owns a pitbull/poodle/lemur crossbreed. A Pitoodlur.

Embarrassing my language professors,

Thud

Future Druggist 2,530 10
03/01/2010 02:20 PM

I thought it looked like a pittie.

Dance Commander Ravos 62,361 20
03/01/2010 10:10 PM

Dear Thud,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Craving Chocolate,
TWSS

536.

Future Druggist 2,530 10
03/02/2010 12:24 PM

I am going to stalk dasypygal-unwaxed, until dasypygal-unwaxed tells me what kind of dog that is.



















I know using her name twice in that sentence was somewhat bad grammar, but it kind of made it dramatic.

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/02/2010 12:56 PM

Dear druggist,

My dogs are American Bulldogs. They are often mistaken for the Pitbull Terrier. But my dogs are bigger.

And lazy!


The girl on the left is the momma, Kazia. The girl on the top is Engrish. The girl on the right (brindle) is Trini.
Momma is 3 yoa, and the girls are 10 mos. and 75 lbs.


Their daddy was the one you saw watching doggie porn. (go figure)

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/02/2010 12:58 PM

P.S. they are sleeping on a king sized bed.

(I sleep on a rug on the floor)

Future Druggist 2,530 10
03/02/2010 01:02 PM

Thank you. I have two American Pitbulls and thats why I was so curious.


Kobi


Roxi


They both look so scary, don't they?

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/02/2010 01:24 PM

They both look so scary, don't they?

The only thing that is scary is your pedicure.

Cinderblock 27,522 24
03/02/2010 01:26 PM

LOOK AT MY AWESOME PETS! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ALL THEIR NAMES?

dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/02/2010 01:30 PM

That's right.

Comedy. Site.


I've got Midol and am willing to share.
(poo, poo....chilax; it's TEMPORARY!)

Thud 66,695 17
03/02/2010 01:31 PM

LOOK AT MY AWESOME PETS! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ALL THEIR NAMES?

Cinder, we all are waiting for the pictures/names/life stories of your pets*.











* Assuming, of course, that "pets" is how you refer to your breasts.

Thud 66,695 17
03/02/2010 01:32 PM

Wait, is Future Drug User a woman? Or has Frat found a new friend to exchange pictures with?

Thud 66,695 17
03/02/2010 01:33 PM

C

Future Druggist 2,530 10
03/02/2010 01:35 PM

Not my feet and get use to my dogs. Though that is a scary pedicure.

Future Druggist 2,530 10
03/02/2010 01:35 PM

Yes I am a woman....

Dance Commander Ravos 62,361 20
03/02/2010 10:14 PM

That's right.

Comedy. Site.

Everyone stealing my schtick all the time.

And pitbulls where I live are illegal. Because they are so dange er us.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/02/2010 10:39 PM

How do I know if my man is cheating on me?

Thud was being, er, diplomatic and loyal to his gender with his answer. As we all know, the correct answer is, "He's breathing."

The Write Straw 95,470 36
03/02/2010 11:04 PM

Dear Thud,

Doggy and kitty pics make me smile, so wouldn't that mean they fit right in to a comedy site?

Won't be at all offended by your reply,
Straw

Thud 66,695 17
03/03/2010 08:11 AM

Straw,

Doggy and Kitty can fit in just fine at a comedy site as long as the viewers aren't particular about what the pictures show them doing (or what they show being done to them).

Thud

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/03/2010 08:16 AM

Okay, fine. Where's this chick Kitty?