Living in South Africa, I constantly receive questions from potential tourists about what type of cuisine they should try while visiting our fine country. My answer is simple: While in South Africa, you should plan on trying our fine yeast spreads, Marmite, Bovril and Oxo. Yeast is an institution!
In fact, once you have chosen your favourite spread, you must be prepared to argue the merits of it in any situation. The topic might come up over a beer at the bar, or even in a corporate boardroom, and if you aren't prepared to stand up for your extract, you might find yourself eating Vegemite in Australia (shudder).
For those of you unfamiliar with yeast extract spreads, let me put it simply: yeast spreads look like what would come out of your lungs if you smoked a pack a day, for 50 years. Fortunately, they taste slightly better.
"Billy's gotten into the Marmite again"
Yeast spreads can be used to bail you out of many sticky situations.
You're in the middle of a party and have run out of dipping sauce? Yeast spread!
The Queen has dropped by for tea and you have none left? Yeast spread!
A group of Bolivian terrorists have nabbed you while you were trying to rescue a sassy heiress, then trapped you in a storeroom where you have managed to build a small aircraft out of seemingly innocent day to day items, but you lack an adhesive to secure the wings? Yeast spread!
To help you decide on the best yeast extract spread, we will be judging Marmite, OXO and Bovril on the following criteria:
- Taste
- Use as chip dip
- Use as tea
- Adhesive properties
Let's get yeasty!
TEST #1: Taste
Initially I had planned to rank the extracts on the following scale of 1 to 5:
1. Not great, but at least it's not Vegemite
2. Acceptable
3. Average
4. Yummy
5. Yeastorific!
After my first taste test, I changed it to the following:
1. For the love of all that is good and holy ... call an ambulance
2. This could be weaponized and end the war in Afghanistan
3. I still feel like puking but I no longer think I am going to die
4. I can handle this
5. Hey, this could actually work!
Marmite
Sorry, my old friend. Normally I loves me a Marmey sarny, but your sharpness of flavor really hurt you in this test. It immediately triggered my gag reflex and for some reason I found I was sweating uncontrollably. I gave it a 2.
Bovril
This spread's distinct "beefy" flavor actually helped it considerably. It tricked my brain into believing this was an actual food. Bovril earned a solid 3.
OXO
Of the traditional spreads, OXO is the least sharp. This really helped it out in the raw taste test. I also judged it after Marmite and Bovril, so by this point I was praying for the sweet release of death. I gave it a 3 purely because I think the gag reflex was a result of 2 rough tests prior.
Cheese Marmite
I don't want to talk about this. I feel that eating this raw was an absolute violation of my body, and I am still seeking therapy. Needless to say, Cheese Marmite scored a 1.
Chilli Bovril
The chilli flavor served as a masking agent. Anything that conceals its natural flavor really helps out in this test. Chilli Bovril beat out OXO to take first place with a 4.
After this violation of my taste buds, I desperately needed something to chase down the horrendous flavor. It was time to make tea.
Please continue to Part 2: Yeasty Tea!
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