Crappy Consumer Reports: Cellphones Guaranteed to Make You Look Like a Douche
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
03/05/2010 03:13 AM 2817 views
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Cellphones serve a multitude of purposes these days: cameras, web browsers, sexting devices, and of course status symbols. Your phone says more about you than anything your dumb face ever could. You're never going to move up in the world unless you cave to the limitless marketing machine and get yourself an iPhone. No one ever hooked up with some loser on a flip phone, right?
Of course, much like a Lamborghini Diablo, it is possible to go overboard. I mean sure, you want to impress people, but you don't want to come off like some sort of Emerson. That's why ZUG's Crappy Consumer Reports is here to guide you away from the Phones Guaranteed to Make You Look Like a Douche.
The Samsung BO Serene
A giant, awkwardly-shaped clamshell that looks more like a desktop alarm clock! I'll take two!
The Serene was supposed to be the epitome of Scandinavian chic: smooth, straight lines, minimalist presentation, and baffling functionality (no external screen?). Still, if it's hip in Europe, you know some jackoff's going to be screaming into it at your local Starbucks.
Then there's the circular keyboard, which I'm sure makes it easier for guys named Chet to text guys named Kip about the yachting club's brunch. Bonus: the charger is described as "toblerone-shaped," so you can at least feel like a gluttonous Swiss bastard.
The Toshiba G450
I can't tell you how sick I am of having all my keys stuck in just one area. My hands need to roam! I need to have the inconvenience of a circular keypad combined with the constant awkwardness of navigating between two entirely different keypads.Add to that the fact that you're basically holding a giant Tylenol to your head and you've got the perfect recipe for one confused-looking moron weaving in and out of traffic in his BMW on the way to a U2 concert.
The Samsung BO Serenata
Yep, Samsung and good ol' Bang & Olufsen strike again. The Serenata takes all the obtuse construction of the Serene, but throws in a multimedia device that you could use as your home theater.
Which you'll have to, as one of these things will run a cool $2,000.
Yeah. Two grand. You think you feel bad when your iPhone slips out of your pocket and falls in the toilet while you're scrambling to take a picture of our epic turd? Imagine dropping a used car in there, but this time you're used car's got a water sensor that voids your warranty.
The Motorola Aura
What can the Motorola Aura possibly do to justify its $1,000+ price tag? How 'bout a display that can project 16 million different colors? That's right, million. Your caller ID will have the most amazing shade of deep-translucent-aqua-sea-foam-mauve on the block! Your friends will be so impressed!
Assuming they have eyes better than normal humans, which can only differentiate a little less than 1,100 colors.
Other than that, though, you'll be the coolest looking moron with what looks like a baby Cylon strapped to your face. Be sure to leave the price tag on so everyone can see how much you paid for the privilege!
The Vertu Cobra
Oh, now we're talking. Price tag? $310,000. As in more than most houses in the fly-over states. What does your 1/3 a million dollar phone get you? How 'bout a super awesome cobra crafted from two diamonds, two emerald eyes, and 439 rubies? Just the sort of thing I know I'm looking for in a phone, but at least you get a pretty sweet phone, right?
Right?
Well, it turns out that no, no you don't. The Vertu Cobra doesn't play music, you can't watch videos, it doesn't connect to the Internet, and you can't even read a Frost-ing email. From the pictures, it looks to have a screen from an Etch-A-Sketch. So for more money than the aforementioned Lamborghini, you too can have the latest in cell phone technology!
From 1996.
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improviser based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. You can read his words at Life with Randy or see him perform with Ghost Baby Abortion and Knife Fight regularly around St. Louis.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.3
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
03/05/2010 03:14 AM
This article proves one thing: just because you're rich doesn't mean you're smart.
Funny stuff -- going live on the homepage today.
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
03/05/2010 03:20 PM
Diamond iPhone
271 grams of gold
136 diamonds
3.2 million dollars
The navigation button is a 7 carat diamond
The apple logo is made up of 58 diamonds totaling one carat
And six months later, Apple releases a new version that makes this one obsolete.
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0 votes
0.0
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cokebabies 1,375 13
03/09/2010 06:22 AM
""Why didn't you answer?"
"Sorry bro, I couldn't get my earpiece in in time"
"But your phone is right in front of you"
**blank stare**
"I'm going to murder you with your phone""
I actually witnessed this ridiculous action for the first time a short while back. The only other time I had seen someone do this was Stephen Merchant as the bumbling Darren Lamb in Extras, and even then I found it hard to believe someone could be that dumb.
And now when I'm perusing Skymall and wondering who pays this much money for this stupid stuff, I know know that somewhere out there is a catalog for people who pay even more money for even stupider stuff.
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0 votes
0.0
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Fratberry 277,318 52
03/09/2010 06:47 AM
Add to that the fact that you're basically holding a giant Tylenol to your head and you've got the perfect recipe for one confused-looking moron weaving in and out of traffic in his BMW on the way to a U2 concert.
Brilliant.
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