Cinderblock Saves the Day! part 2
A comedy article
by Manhole  21,658  29
03/08/2010 04:47 AM 536 views
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one of the main actors in Christian Scientists' nightmares
Ahhhhhh Newtons Cradle. It show the concept of conservation of momentum. But what's most important to me here is momentum itself. I don't want to conserve it. I want to make it, and then use it.
Yes, I said momentum. Why? Because
p stands for momentum. m for mass and v for velocity. This means that if I can get that 5,261 pound van**** moving with the velocity of just a fraction of one mph, I will achieve a sizeable amount of momentum. Maybe enough to push me out of the rut that I've dug myself into.
I need to back out of the rut because forward of the van is more waterlogged ground. But instead of trying to reverse out, I'm going to go forward just a little bit. Just enough to get slightly out of the rut.
This, in theory, will provide potential energy in the form of stored momentum.
Once this has been achieved, I can put the vehicle in reverse and release the stored momentum as the van goes back into the rut. This, once again in theory, should allow me to escape.
The plan has two phases. Phase one is to make the momentum by moving forward of the rut. Phase two is releasing the momentum by backing back into the rut from which I came. The released momentum pushing me out of the rut and on to hard ground.
Phase 1
What I need is some traction. But getting just a little bit of traction has proven most difficult already. The brick didn't work. But, the cinderblock might...
cinderblock used to break free
I used my sledgehammer, yes, the same one used to punish my grill for its disobedience, to break the cinderblock into pieces. These should provide at least a little traction.
The cinderblock wilts under the massive pressure from Manholes' hammer
I jacked up both rear tires and placed the pieces of cinderblock underneath them, making sure I had enough to move forward.
van over broken cinderblock
I fired up the van and put it in drive. With just a little bit of gas, I felt the van move slightly forward. I let off the gas and immediately hit the break.
Success! The van is just out of the rut! It will roll right back in if I let it. This means phase one is complete, I have made momentum.
Phase 2
Now it's time to get the hell out of here and make beer thirty. I filled the exposed rut with cinderblock pieces. There is still plenty of room for the van to roll down and release the precious momentum.
The van now has potential energy in the form of stored momentum
The time has come. I paused for a moment, and the double checked both rear wheels. It was now or never.
I put the van in reverse, and gave it some gas. I suppose many would pray at this point. But I didn't have to. Why? WHY?!!!
BECAUSE ONE PLUS ONE EQUALS TWO mother-FrostER!
AND THAT MEANS THAT TWO PLUS TWO IS FOUR!
And if those statements are true, that means that Newtons second law of motion is true! And if Newton is correct, that means a god damned gorilla pushing the van couldn't produce the force that the almighty power of physics has now given me!
The van took a surge backward. I could hear pieces of cinderblock pounding against the wheel wells, echoing through the vans hollow interior. It began to shutter, the sounds of vibrating metal growing louder and louder. A hint of burning rubber began make its way to the cab. And with another massive surge backward,
I was free!
It was as if the mighty hand of God swooped down and pushed me out. But in the end, it was just a simple three letter equation. No faith. No angels. Not even a simple prayer. But three letters, three variables that when placed together, yield a power far greater than any religion could ever provide.
And the cinderblock, of course. It helped.
In my exuberation of actually moving, I forgot to turn the wheel and follow the planned pathway out, as clearly shown in the picture above.
Well chalk another one up for man, ladies and gentlemen. I got my beer, 20 minutes before beer thirty had arrived. In this battle of Man verses Mother Nature, once again, man won.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.4
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Gorky Thatcher 41,132  13
03/08/2010 04:54 AM
I don't get it.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Dance Commander Ravos 63,472 21
03/08/2010 05:00 AM
When did physics become funny?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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KCheeky Monkey 128,446 98
03/08/2010 05:04 AM
I think it's hot.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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The High Priestess 58,981 29
03/08/2010 05:15 AM
You did all that so you wouldn't miss beer thirty and then rewarded yourself with a Shakespearety beer?
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Funny
10 votes
3.2
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SHP 181,795 70
03/08/2010 05:25 AM
I was told there would be no math.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Sin an méid a dúirt sí 27,416 24
03/08/2010 05:27 AM
This was way too many words just to say "I got stuck in the mud and was too stupid to try a cinderblock in the first place."
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Frozen Chickens Section 286,638 61
03/08/2010 05:31 AM
Corona is what I piss out after drinking Guinness.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
03/08/2010 05:41 AM
Your shirt doesn't look very dirty for all that work.
Liar.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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helloooo nurse 379 8
03/08/2010 05:59 AM
Beer thirty motivation .......Maybe the government could resolve that little health care situation with that kind of incentive.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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KCheeky Monkey 128,446 98
03/08/2010 06:03 AM
Don't judge the man on his beer choice! Be glad he got there!
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Funny
9 votes
3.5
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The High Priestess 58,981 29
03/08/2010 06:05 AM
Carona isn't a choice. It's a cry for help.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
03/08/2010 06:57 AM
Did you try kitty litter?
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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Gorky Thatcher 41,132 13
03/08/2010 07:00 AM
Carolina isn't a choice. It's a cry for help.
The quarter came up heads. If it'd been tails, we'd be in California.
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.1
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Cinderblock 27,578 25
03/08/2010 10:32 AM
Manhole gave me a good pounding.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
03/08/2010 01:36 PM
Did you try kitty litter?
I don't care how bad you think Corona is ... it's way Frost-ing better than kitty litter. I'm no mathematician, but Ima guess it's about 6.73 katrillion times less gritty.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32 gives Manhole a hearty handshake for showing the correct way to do a 'How to' piece
03/08/2010 02:14 PM
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0 votes
0.0
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dasypygal-unwaxed 14,803 17 cringes
03/09/2010 03:50 AM
Is that a class ring you are wearing on a necklace?
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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The Write Straw 98,023 37
03/09/2010 04:58 AM
It's mine. I gave it to him so that the other girls would know we're going steady and they'd better BACK OFF!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Shemping at the heliopause 22,222 17 Raises hand.
03/09/2010 10:46 AM
Ahhhhhh Newtons Cradle. It show the concept of conservation of momentum. But what's most important to me here is momentum itself. I don't want to conserve it. I want to make it, and then use it.
Yes, I said momentum. Why? Because
p stands for momentum. m for mass and v for velocity
Is this going to be on the mid-term exam?
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.4
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Shemping at the heliopause 22,222 17
03/09/2010 10:48 AM
Manhole, you look a bit to young to be drinking.
Do you have proper ID?
Or does Straw buy the beer?
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054143030
dasypygal-unwaxed 14,803 17
03/09/2010 11:13 AM
It's mine. I gave it to him so that the other girls would know we're going steady and they'd better BACK OFF!
Ooohkay...
Your guy is cute and all, especially in the "James Bond" photo (you were hot, hot, hot too!) but in order to show the other girls that he is taken you must apply HUGE hickey marks all over his neck.
I, on the other hand, simply chewed my husband's ear and left a scar. Scars are forever.
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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Mr•C 211,612 32
03/09/2010 11:27 AM
You van gogh, girl!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,330 11
03/09/2010 03:23 PM
I, on the other hand, simply chewed my husband's ear and left a scar. Scars are forever
I knew that gorilla pic you keep posting looked familiar. You're really Mike Tyson, aren't you? Come on now, fess up.
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0 votes
0.0
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Shemping at the heliopause 22,222 17
03/09/2010 05:19 PM
Manhole, you look a bit to young to be drinking.
Do you have proper ID?
Or does Straw buy the beer?
Now that I reread this post, I see it could be misconstrued that I was saying that Straw looks old.
I was not.
Mostly because I do not know what she looks like.
But I'm sure she doesnt look a day over 18 and a 1/2.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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The Write Straw 98,023 37
03/09/2010 11:30 PM
I finally put myself in the album. Link'd! I'm looking at you, Shemp.
Admittedly, I am older than Manhole by 5 years. So that makes him 13 and a half. Pedobear approves of our relationship.
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Funny
7 votes
3.7
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Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,330 11
03/10/2010 01:56 AM
If you had the time you should have tried other Zuggers namesakes as traction aids. I'm interested in whether tacos, nachos, squirrels, midgets, lobsters, or alarm clocks would have gotten you out as well as a cinderblock.
You could actually advance the cause of physics by figuring out the coefficients of friction for those items.
And by Lobster and Alarm Clock I totally meant putting the actual Zuggers under your tires and rolling over them
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,612 32
03/10/2010 02:41 PM
I finally put myself in the album
I put you in the album years ago.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Future Druggist 2,533 11
03/10/2010 03:35 PM
Am I the only one who watched the Newtons Cradle for like 3 minutes?
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0 votes
0.0
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Wokka Rokka Ravos 63,472 21
03/10/2010 10:01 PM
...yes.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054143311
Madame KChiki 128,446 98
03/10/2010 10:36 PM
...no.
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