What I Did for Cash: Riding Transit with A Mannequin
A comedy article
by Monica Hamburg  484  7
03/08/2010 12:00 PM 1784 views
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I'm well acquainted with embarrassment.
In fact, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time when I was dressed as a slutty school girl. The last rejection letter I received for one of my non-fiction pieces included a suggestion to seek counselling. And without so much as a gun to my head, I got on stage at Yuk Yuk's with a comedian and played dog dishes filled with cantaloupes as if they were drums.
In acting school our teachers encouraged us to: "Take Big Risks".
What this really translates to is: "Be Willing to Humiliate Yourself".
This is an essential skill since you're often broke as a performer - and turning yourself into a mental pinata for money is something you'll have to do consistently.
Of course, taking risks can be very rewarding. Being out of your element leads you to some fairly significant realizations.
They're just not always pleasant realizations.
I once had a Guerrilla Marketing gig which involved lazily riding the Skytrain (Vancouver's subway, which often runs above ground) for 10 hrs a day/ for 3 days. It was the perfect job - except for one slight detail: I'd be riding the train with a nude mannequin.
At the job training, we were told that our dummy would be the same sex as us/the rider, because as the trainers put it,"Otherwise, it might be weird"...
I'm on a train with a naked mannequin. If the mannequin is my gender is the weirdness factor then somehow obliterated?
"Hey, Bob, check out that chick with the mannequin! What a nutbar!"
"No, see, Steve, the mannequin's also a girl."
"Oh Right! My bad."
Now, the object of the promotion was to have people stare at us and hence be motivated - by our peculiarity - to ask us questions - which would then enable us to shill for the client company.
OK, that tactic might work in other cities. New Yorkers, Bostonians, Montrealers might inquire in their own way, "Hey, what the hell are you up to", but Vancouverites just aren't that conversational with strangers. Especially not a 4 foot 10 stranger wearing an oversized faux-security uniform sitting patiently on public transit by a bald, naked mannequin. That seems not to inspire chattiness in local passengers.
What is does inspire, is plenty of horrified looks and averting of eyes. One man chose to lecture me about where my life was going. "I work for the Law Society," he said. As though that would immediately put me on the right path.
The low (or should I say, lowest) point was at a downtown food court during the business lunch hour. We had to eat with our mannequins and so I parked my dummy at a seat at the only empty table while I went to order my food.
I returned to find a businessman sitting with my mannequin. I was unsure how to address this situation, so I just sat down and began eating.
The man looked up, annoyed and exclaimed "Oh, are you sitting here?"
Uncomfortably - accompanying still life is a quick way to lose one's pride, I discovered - I responded, "Yes...".
"Well," he said, irked, "I'm expecting people."
I thought of asking him how much better it was to conduct the meeting next to a mannequin, but decided against it.
Apparently it was perfectly fine to have a business lunch with a mannequin, but clearly I was the problem...
After the 3 days, I came to the following conclusions:
1) People responding to you like you're a nutcase - actually makes you feel like a nutcase.
2) As a general rule, walking around in a costume in a major city is a good indication that your life is not going as planned.
3) Public transit is significantly more satisfying when you are the one looking at others with derision.
You'd think that I'd curtail my humiliating activities these days. After all, I'm not technically an actor anymore and am no longer broke. But the odd thing is that these experiences actually make me feel much more alive. And I've begun to miss that sense of crazed exhilaration. Plus, I have a blog I have to update.
So, next up: "Learning to rap". Come on - how can that go wrong?
--
I also recorded this post as a podcast:
http://audioboo.fm/boos/99208-the-art-of-humiliating-oneself
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
31 votes
3.6
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Funny
9 votes
3.4
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Dogs Akimbo 211,617  32
03/08/2010 02:25 PM
What if you would have put the security uniform on the mannequin and then you rode around naked? They would have all been thinking that the mannequin had might the bad choices in life.
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Funny
7 votes
3.5
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Alarm Clock 6,348 4
03/08/2010 03:44 PM
Quick, somebody get this lady a goddamned Klondike bar.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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Dance Commander Ravos 63,472 21
03/08/2010 10:04 PM
5-orbs for not being Jenni Maier!
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
03/08/2010 11:31 PM
I laughed. Good article. Are you going to be one of those douches that only post articles, or are you going to post regularly?
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0 votes
0.0
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KCheeky Monkey 128,446 98
03/09/2010 12:34 AM
Nice! I liked it! Can we suck you into our wormhole of debauchery and dark humor?
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/09/2010 01:24 AM
In Houston, there are many H.O.V. (High Occupancy Vehicles) lanes all over town. They are in place to encourage carpooling. These H.O.V. lanes can save you a ton of time during rush hour.
Many people have resorted to riding along with a mannequin (or two) to fool the watchful eyes of the police and cameras just so they can drive in the H.O.V. lanes and cheat the traffic.
Those that are caught, and there have been many, are fined and their mannequins confiscated.
I have often wondered what becomes of all the confiscated mannequins.
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Funny
7 votes
3.7
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Dogs Akimbo 211,617 32
03/09/2010 04:03 AM
I have often wondered what becomes of all the confiscated mannequins.
They post How To and Prank threads.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,617 32
03/09/2010 04:03 AM
Too soon?
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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SHP 181,795 70
03/09/2010 04:54 AM
The particularly ornery confiscated mannequins are forced to appear in Old Navy commercials.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Monica Hamburg 484 7
03/09/2010 03:24 PM
Thank you so much for reading and commenting :) Sharing my embarrassment with others makes it all better :)
@Dogs Akimbo - Oh how I wish I had thought of that! I also might have earned more that way
@Alarm Clock - Useful - I might have chosen a cold peak over a temperate low.
@Dance Commander Ravos - OK, I'll take whatever compliment I can get
@Taco Crunch - Thank you!
@Bill the Squirrel - I'm certainly a douche. But I'll try to be the kind of douche that posts regularly. Is Zug cool with people posting articles already on their blog. Or is that a no-no?
@KCheeky Nothing I'd like better.
@Running with Scissors Shhh. They like when I read to them.
@dasypygal-unwaxed So the dummies are more productive than me? Yeah, I should have figured.
@SHP That's a pretty cruel fate.
@Gorky Thatcher @Future Druggist Oh no... Also awful. Although I think being re-purposed as a "Live Doll" is worse.
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0 votes
0.0
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Monica Hamburg 484 7
03/09/2010 03:28 PM
Wait, what I meant on that last comment there was "real doll". Though, in my defence, "live dolls" are pretty awful.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock 6,348 4
03/09/2010 06:43 PM
Live Dolls?
A sex doll that will SUHT, constantly calls you a retard, smells like a dead hooker, and auto-lubricates itself when it hears childhood rape stories? Only $3,000?
Sold.
Can we get custom features added; like a hairy ass, a poop knife, or claws? Maybe a fife if we want to get a little kinky?
I might want a black one because of all the sweet, semi-romantic things it might say, but I'm not going to want to have to drag it back out of it's packaging/box/home everytime I want to use it.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Lorem ipsum dolor ravos amet 63,472 21
03/09/2010 09:48 PM
A sex doll that will SUHT, constantly calls you a retard, smells like a dead hooker, and auto-lubricates itself when it hears childhood rape stories?
Don't you already have the crustacean edition?
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,976 36
03/09/2010 09:53 PM
Dear n00b that doesn't suck,
1. Those emoticons. Totally unnecessary. Ever.
2. You don't have to thank us with words, you can thank us with orbs, as we will continue to thank you for being funny should you choose to stay.
3. As far as cross-posting, as long as the content is original and yours I'd say go for it. You don't have to submit it as an article though, if it's more appropriate as a conversation I'd advise doing that instead. For example: this was perfect for an article because it involved a prank/trip. If you've just got something funny to say, or it's something interactive, a conversation is probably better.
4. SUYT
Love,
Taco
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