Under Under Duck 99,723 76
03/10/2010 06:05 AM

Oh, and our new place has a pool. I have no idea how to make a pool work, other than I shouldn't pee in it. Help would be appreciated there as well.

SHP 181,268 70
03/10/2010 06:08 AM

Fire will significantly reduce the packing required for a move.

Irish Midgets 93,936 47
03/10/2010 06:13 AM

Just make sure the folks understand the basics.

Bra on knob - having sex. Do not disturb.
Panties on knob - Anal sex. Do not disturb.
Sock on knob - Masturbating. Enter at your own risk.
Pink boa on knob - call the police. Exit the house.

Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 17,422 30
03/10/2010 06:14 AM

Undies,

This and this should help you with your, um, issues.

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/10/2010 06:15 AM

Pink boa on knob - Sex with Whistler. call the police. Exit the house.

Ammend'd!

Irish Midgets 93,936 47 Pats Ravos on head
03/10/2010 06:18 AM

Atta boy. You got that one didn't ya.

Gorky Thatcher 41,132 12
03/10/2010 06:19 AM

and also any advice on how to survive the insanity of once again being under the same roof with my whack-job parental units.

A couple extra pillows should do the trick.

Too firm and they don't mold to the face well. Too soft and they leave air pockets which foil the deed.

You'd be looking for a pillow whose firmness makes you think of a half flaccid Coleridge.

Big Irish Guy 203,777 21
03/10/2010 06:20 AM

Don't tell the kids where you are moving to, you'll save a bundle on food and clothes.

The High Priestess 58,196 29
03/10/2010 06:45 AM

Damn you SHP! 'Burn it all' was the first thing I thought of.

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,324 11
03/10/2010 07:54 AM

As far as moving, it looks like Google ads knows all and is telling you to call ABF UPack for all your moving needs

My wife and I had to live with my her fruity ass parents for a while before we bought our house and I can say for certain that getting out of the house as much as possible helps. If you can't do that then heroin will turn the trick nicely. I'd suggest alcohol, but some people get feisty on booze and that will not help matters at all. I almost slit my father in law's throat once because he got in my face about leaving a light on. Instead, I just took a drive on the opiate overpass and everyone was better for the experience.

Of course now I can't stop itching my arms but it's a small price to pay.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
03/10/2010 08:10 AM

Article idea: Hook your pool up to a toilet so that you can fluShakespeare after you pee in it.

The Mailman 174,473 52
03/10/2010 08:16 AM

I'll add an item to Midgets' list:

Trixxie on knob - You entered the wrong house. Don't touch anything that even remotely looks like a phallus.

Dr. Kevorkian-unwacked 12,075 15
03/10/2010 09:04 AM

I'm deeply moved by your impending tragedy and offer my condolences and services.

Just ring 36-2436, hey! I lead a life of crime.


(dirty deeds, done dirt cheap. But, I don't move furniture)

The High Priestess 58,196 29
03/10/2010 09:12 AM

Trixxie on knob - You entered the wrong house. Don't touch anything! that even remotely looks like a phallus.

Fixed!

Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49
03/10/2010 09:54 AM

Best wishes, Undies! I love moving. It always gave me a chance to trim down on the stuff I've collected. Moving in with your parents, though. Yikes. I hope it works out alright for the whole family.

Moving advice:
If you have a lot of books, pack them in plastic shopping bags. They're the perfect weight for carrying. My husband always insisted on packing books in large boxes so only HE could lift them.

Living under the same roof as your parents advice:
I couldn't help you a bit there. My parents have been divorced since I was 4. I've offered them to retire in the same bedroom as each other. Hopefully, I've cleared myself of that particular duty.

Sin an méid a dúirt sí 26,020 24
03/10/2010 10:03 AM

If your having a disagreement with the new roommates just tell your parents "MY house MY rules".

Pants 14,218 17
03/10/2010 10:24 AM

Moving Tip #1
Lift with your ass and not your back.

Moving Tip #2
Have Spicy take pictures of you lifting and immediately post them to Zug.

Under Under Duck 99,723 76
03/10/2010 10:29 AM

Lift with your ass and not your back.

Fun Fact # 264.32f

There's a picture of Spicey's ass in my photobucket account, and it's not password protected.

Running with Scissors 3,504 12
03/10/2010 12:46 PM

As you prepare to move, you will realize just how much useless junk you have collected over the years. Moving is a great way to get rid of a lot of it.

When we moved several years ago, I tossed out half of our old Christmas decorations. To this day, my wife still does not know. When I drove out to the city dump, I festooned the place up with a bit of Holly Jolly Christmas magic.

I like to think I brought a little Christmas cheer to a sad and dreary place.

Pants 14,218 17
03/10/2010 01:06 PM

The dump might be a little more festive but you still made Mother Earth cry.

Frogpop 173,113 25
03/10/2010 05:13 PM

We are MOVING!

on up?

Alarm Clock 6,338 4
03/10/2010 08:38 PM

Mother Earth is a punk bitch. Don't be scared of her. Just because a few Louisianians get wet pants around her and the Haitians get a little shaken up in her presence is no reason to be concerned about her.

I'd be worried more about the dump people like Scissors. Who knows what they could come up with. They have a slightly used, second-hand version of practically everything. It's like Mexico.

For instance:

old blender blades = throwing stars
old used condoms = throwing globs (much worse than throwing stars)
old riding lawnmowers = cavalry with a nasty, teethy underside
old ShamWows and pasta strainers = impenetrable armor
NuWave oven, Hormel chili, and used baby diapers = thermonuclear device
capri pants, Nascar hats, and Garfield t-shirts = camouflage
old non-low flow toilets = waterboarding
old Stratego with half the pieces = central intelligence

Do your part and beat the life out of a homeless person today. We CAN make a difference.

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/10/2010 09:55 PM

Moving advice:
If you have a lot of books, pack them in plastic shopping bags. They're the perfect weight for carrying. My husband always insisted on packing books in large boxes so only HE could lift them.

Except for the fact that putting heavy stuff like that in a standard bag will probably tear it, especially hard-cover books with jagged corners to tear the bag.

Oh, I was supposed to be funny? Go Frost yourself.

ZukeTheRed 485 6
03/11/2010 12:10 AM

Let me offer my moving-related sympathy. I just moved, and just finally got internet last night at my house after like 10 days. I think the internet was probably grateful that I left it alone that long, but it sucked for me!

I bummed some boxes off the stockers at a local supermarket and used garbage bags for the rest. You, however, may wish to pack with class. I'm guessing since I'm a bachelor with no kids (unless you count my incompetent roommates) I probably have a tiny fraction of the junk you guys do.

Just Plain Jeeni 43,386 49 is a baglady and proud of it
03/11/2010 03:44 AM

You know, I almost said "double bag", but figured Undies was smart enough to figure that out if a bag were to rip.

Also, if you pack clothing in shopping or garbage bags rather than boxes, they can be used as cushioning between furniture.

I love packing - it's like playing Tetris in 3D. If I lived close, I'd help you both move!

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/11/2010 04:22 AM

It seems to be a regular occurrence that it can take up to a week to get your internet back at the new location, so I would recommend filling up two or three one gallon jugs with internet before you move.

Irish Midgets 93,936 47
03/11/2010 04:28 AM

Don't forget to add a drop or two of bleach to help it keep longer.

Barefoot Chance 171,220 14
03/11/2010 04:46 AM

I dont know if anyone has fixed this yet, if not:

Just make sure the folks understand the basics.

Bra on knob - having sex. Do not disturb.
Panties on knob - Anal sex. Do not disturb.
Sock on knob - Masturbating. Enter at your own risk.
Trixxie on knob- call the police. Exit the house. Log into gab and write article.

Pram 78,171 40
03/11/2010 09:44 AM

I want to move, too!

*gets bashful*

For uh, no particular reason.

Barney T Dinosaur 2,122 17
03/11/2010 10:19 AM

Trixxie on knob- call the police. Exit the house. Log into gab and write article.



Pictures or it didnt...Oh..Wait, never mind.

Big Irish Undies 99,723 76
03/13/2010 11:02 PM

Well, my parents are all moved in and they're working on unpacking. Every time we go over to see them, my anxiety is getting worse. Pretty much every square inch of flat surface in both the living room and dining room is covered with knickknacks. Cats, angels and angel cats. Also a big picture of Jesus is on top of the TV cabinet.

When I told my mom that she would have to move a stand full of crazy that she had placed in the dining room, my dad told me that we needed to make sure that the house felt like their house as well as ours. I wanted to scream that there wasn't a single thing in the house yet that was mine, but I didn't. Instead I sat down in a rocking chair and stared at the Precious Moments figurines on the fireplace mantel.

I have no idea how to handle this.

Big Irish Priestess 58,196 29
03/14/2010 01:27 AM

I have no idea how to handle this.

Sounds like a baseball bat would handle it just fine.

Big Irish Priestess 58,196 29
03/14/2010 01:28 AM

For the cats, angels, angel cats and crazy, not your parents

Big Irish Undies 99,723 76
03/14/2010 09:20 AM

Ah, Priestess. I will marry you someday. Just you wait!

Only, you will have to wait a while. My mom is freaking out about making sure she has the right cable package so she can still get Fox News. I'm not sure if she can handle me telling her that Glen Beck is a Frosttard, then taking a baseball bat to her commemorative plates AND telling her that I'm marrying a chick with big boobs from the interweb all in the same week.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
03/14/2010 10:04 AM

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Where:

Spicey is allergic to dust. The number of knicknacks in your home has to be very limited so that there are few objects to catch dust. Precious Moments, having a matte finish, attract and retain a much larger amount of dust particles than do glass objects or those with a gloss finish. No Precious Moments figurines should be displayed in the home at all.

Medically Yours,

Dr. Whistler P. McManus, M.D.

Little Irish Midgets 93,936 47
03/14/2010 10:46 AM

Ship the figurines off one by one to Millie for a custom psychodelic makeover, then leave them ramdomly throughout the house.

The bonus is that once she strokes out you're left with some sweet Millie art!

Thirsty McSurly, Zombie Podiatrist 4,444 11
03/14/2010 12:07 PM

I thought this was gonna be a daylight savings time thread...you can all go Frost yourselves in the most uncomfortable way possible...

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/14/2010 10:53 PM

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Where:

Spicey is allergic to dust. The number of knicknacks in your home has to be very limited so that there are few objects to catch dust. Precious Moments, having a matte finish, attract and retain a much larger amount of dust particles than do glass objects or those with a gloss finish. No Precious Moments figurines should be displayed in the home at all.

Medically Yours,

Dr. Whistler P. McManus, M.D.

The dust on the transformers may be a give-away to the plot though.

Frogpop 173,113 25
03/15/2010 09:34 PM

That's energy cube residue, a known non-allergin.

Millie 116,854 28
03/16/2010 01:41 AM

Undies, there is nothing you can do. It is a known scientific fact that any child, no matter what age, reverts to childhood once they are in proximity of one or both parents. You are going to be pouting and stomping around and yelling like a teenager from now on.

I suggest heavy drinking to combat this phenomenon. Or, just accept the fact that they are there and, short of killing them or yourself, it's gonna stay that way for a while. Learn to love the figurines and Glenn Beck!

Also, tell Spicey to ball up and deal with them when there's something unpleasant that needs to be said. He doesn't have the baggage with them. They're traditional, right? Tell them he's the man and you have to do what he says.

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,324 11
03/16/2010 02:05 AM

There's a Glenn Beck drinking game. It can be a bonding experience for the whole family. I have it in my e-mail but don't know the site it came from.

One sip of your drink:

- If Glenn Beck plays with any sort of childs toy, like Jenga or Mickey Mouse ears.
- One sip for every M&M he eats. What is he, still potty-training?
- If Glen Beck makes any corny, painfully unfunny jokes such as "Albania" is that where the albinos come from? or "I think Timothy Geithner looks like one of the elves from Lord of the Rings".
- Ultra dramatic close ups when Glenn Beck talks directly at the camera, gesticulates wildly and says things that make no sense.
- When Glenn Beck does his pre-K demonstrations involving dead fish, or pork rinds or other animal parts.

Two sips of your drink:

- If Glenn Beck talks in any of his wacky cartoon voices, which in all honesty may be the voices in his head.
- If he makes any mention of his amorphous 9-12 Project.
- If Glenn Beck introduces any new conspiracy theories, such as the FEMA camps, or the illegal nature of growing tomatoes on your patio, or having a home garden.
- If his voice breaks and his eyes get teary, without crying.
- When Beck makes ridiculous, uneducated statements such as, "PETA lovers will want the dairy cows to run free, back to the jungles where they came from.
- If Beck plugs his own "humor" magazine and sings Springtime for Hitler.
- When Beck impersonates Barney Frank, because that's not very christian of a christian to make fun of gay men. Weren't all men made in god's image?
- If Beck pretends he's a superhero and can fly.

Consume an entire drink:

- If there is full on sobbing while talking about god, god's country or that tampon commercial Beck just watched.
- If there is any mention of the 9 principles and 12 values.

Ravos, Ruiner of Jokes 62,361 20
03/16/2010 02:34 AM

Are you actually talking about Beck, or are you talking about Pram? I can't tell the difference.

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,324 11
03/16/2010 02:43 AM

As long as it gets me drunk it doesn't matter. It's probably better dealing with either after a few drinks.