Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,324 11
03/11/2010 04:32 AM

I am the evil entity in our neighborhood. As far as the title goes, I'd go with "An Express Elevator to Hell - Going Down!" or "3rd Floor - Lingerie, Garden Accessories, and....Satan?"

Ceci n'est pas une Phla 130,632 34
03/11/2010 05:21 AM

Shaft: Can Ya Dig It?

Madame KChiki 124,281 89
03/11/2010 05:36 AM

Straw, maybe Elevator 2 is slowly gaining evil power, so it's waiting until the time is ripe to kill. As in, it has to draw energy from living humans in order to fuel its nefarious purposes. That's why it pauses when you push the floor button.

Scared yet?

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/11/2010 05:37 AM

Years ago, I was hurrying to catch an elevator. Without thinking, I stuck my clipboard between the doors. With the metal clip part of the clipboard on the inside.

The doors closed, with the width of the board part of the clipboard not large enough to cause the doors to reopen.

The elevator started moving up, and when the floor of the elevator met the metal clip part of clipboard, the clipboard was pulled from my hand and rose to the top of the door opening. At the top, it shattered, shooting bits of woods into the elevator lobby and, I hope, the metal clip part of the clipboard into the elevator and decapitating the Emersons who wouldn't lean forward and press the <--> button.

Madame KChiki 124,281 89
03/11/2010 05:38 AM

And that's exactly why I'm afraid to stick my hand into a closing elevator door. Thanks.

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/11/2010 05:39 AM

Instead, they pressed the >*< button

Fratberry 277,318 52
03/11/2010 05:39 AM

Its the elevator TO HELL!!!!!11

Madame KChiki 124,281 89
03/11/2010 05:41 AM

In other elevator-related news, my infamous friend Brooke is claustrophobic. I've seen it in person. She will always take the stairs instead of the elevator because she can't stand to be stuck inside it for the 60 seconds or less that it takes to change floors.

She, another friend and I are going on a cruise this weekend and guess where our cabin most likely is.

Yep. The exact middle of the ship but a few floors down. I shall have stories.

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/11/2010 05:41 AM

Its the elevator TO HELL DELL!!!!!11

Blue Penguin 485 11
03/11/2010 05:59 AM

Canadian geese. These spawn of Satan love to terrorize the local population with green, wet poo-bombs. It's always nice when they leave for the winter, but they are showing up again. I washed my car the other day thinking it was safe to do so. I was immediately spotted by a recognizance flight of the minions, the first of these bastards I've seen in months. They have since been staking-out my house, waiting for my car to leave the protection of the garage. They are peering into my windows looking for ways of causing chaos. They are after me!

Damn Canadians......

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/11/2010 06:02 AM

Well screw you too.

Blue Penguin 485 11
03/11/2010 06:09 AM

Wow, Wokka, I didn't know you were a goose.

Alan Smithee 41,132 12
03/11/2010 06:13 AM

When assigning phone numbers to the panic buttons in my elevators, the phone company thought it would be funny to use the numbers from closed bail bonds places. The funny thing about those panic buttons- they accept all incoming calls and automatically answer the call.

That in and of itself makes for great pranks (dial the number and talk with the voice of god when you know you're buddies are in there), but when you and one of your tenants are riding the elevator and you start hearing an operator asking if you'll accept charges from the local jail...kinda sucks.

Took almost a year for the phone company to finally re-assign numbers. Emersons.

Once that was straightened out, the Indian spirits pissed off that an apartment building was built on top of their graveyard let an elevator with a couple seniors in the car go up about three feet before slamming it back down. A half dozen times before letting them back out on the first floor.

SHP 181,263 70
03/11/2010 06:13 AM

On elevators: I actually have a fear of stairwells, so when faced with a rickety old elevator of evil vs. a flight of stairs, in a remote side of the building, concrete walls with stains of an indeterminate nature, I will always choose possible death in the elevator. My fear of stairwells comes from the fact that I'm very clumsy and will likely fall to my death and not be found for hours, or weeks, or even months because America is morbidly obese and you know they didn't get that way from taking the stairs.

On the evil entity in my neighborhood: My office sits on the west side of my building, on the third floor. All day today, the birds who occupy the trees outside my window have been attacking the windows. At first they were going after the windows that had the blinds drawn, but later they started flying straight at my head which was visible in the window with the blinds open. The movie will be called The Birds, of course.

Wokka Rokka Ravos 62,361 20
03/11/2010 06:13 AM

Damn Canadians......

I'm not a goose, but my wife is.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
03/11/2010 06:20 AM

I rode the LRT this morning. I mention this because subways are like horizontal elevators.

Anyway, the entire ride, the driver of the train kept talking over the loudspeaker. And not about anything transit related: He reminded us to set our clocks ahead this weekend, he wished university students good luck on their exams, he discussed good coffee shops.

I can't decide if he's the friendliest man in the world or the lamest, most pathetic man in the world.

Blue Penguin 485 11
03/11/2010 06:20 AM

I'm not a goose, but my wife is.

Well, tell her to stop Shakespeare-ing on my car/drive way/dog/lawn and stop eating out of my garden. She also doesn't have to bring her whole family along for the fun, either.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
03/11/2010 06:32 AM

I just remembered a vertical elevator story.

A relative of mine lives in an apartment building. One evening she ordered a pizza, as was the custom at the time.

The following day, the manager of the building called her and asked, "Did you order a pizza last night?" When she told him she had, he said, "Well, we have video of the delivery guy peeing in the elevator on his way up."

Running with Scissors 3,504 12
03/11/2010 01:48 PM

During a quick weekend trip to San Antonio this past summer me and the family stayed at the Hyatt Regency on the Riverwalk. We entered one of the glass elevators along with a middle aged couple and when the doors closed -- everything stopped. We were stuck! The husband from the other couple immediately begin to stress.

We were on the first floor directly in front of the atrium restaurant where there were many people enjoying their overpriced breakfast buffet. Since we were in a glass elevator, people were able to watch us as we waved for help. They all looked at us kind of strange and when they realized we were stuck, a few of them took pictures and the rest went back to eating.

Finally, the hotel maintenance team sprung into action and freed us after about 15 minutes. I was hoping the manager would offer us a free night but all we got was a lousy apology.

Hammerhead 59,398 14
03/13/2010 06:49 AM

I think I've told this elevator story before, but I'll tell it again.

Back in 98 the band and choir took a trip to the Big Apple to be tourists for a couple of days. We saw all the usual, touristy stuff, Rockefeller Center, Radio City Music Hall, etc. We also went up onto the observation deck of the Empire State Building.

There's an elevator that goes up into the top observation deck, which I believe is the 123 floor or so. It requires an operator to stand in it all day going up and down. Cushy job.

On the ride back down, I was in the elevator with several of the choir girls who were following around "Hanz" (name changed to protect the guilty), one of the German exchange students. Trying to impress these girls, Hanz decides to offer a bit of knowledge about the elevator. According to him, it breaks down an average of 15 times a day. It takes several minutes for it to start running again, but the people inside are stuck while this happens. This elevator is not new by any means, and is mostly comprised of a wood floor and a metal cage.

Upon hearing this statement from Hanz, the elevator operator slyly shuts down the lift. At this point, the girls who've been enthralled by Hanz's story are now freaking out over the apparent lock down of the elevator.

The elevator guy waits an appropriately nervous pause and turns to the group and says, "Sorry, that was me".

Hanz and I and a few other people who got the joke start laughing. The girls were not amused.