Open Letter to Atlanta A comedy conversation
by Pram 78,178 40 03/13/2010 01:10 AM 194 views
Dear Atlanta, GA;
This is not directed at any one person in particular, but rather the city itself. I am sick of hearing about you. At least three times I week, I read about some awesome new thing going on in you, and it's annoying because I can't experience it first hand. The last straw was this morning, Atlanta, when I read about you in USA Today. You apparently are getting into dinner theater, with movie screens that actually have tables to sit and eat at. Portland doesn't have gigantic movie screens and a wine selection! For that alone, I hate you. If you serve tapioca pudding, crepes, and Midouri, I loathe you generously.
Also, you seem to hire people to do exactly what I want to do for a living at a better wage , and have a lower cost of living. AAANNNND, you have Frost-ing Adult Swim, and at least one nerdy girl who is the thripple-threat/ trifecta of hot, funny, and smart that I am attracted to. Portland just has stupid fat bitches with post traumatic stress disorder and sagging arm skin that had fat liposuctioned out of it and saved in a jar. . And FURTHERMORE, Atlanta, you have a really awesome accent. A slow drawl that somehow doesn't make you seem like a bunch of redneck illiterates. Someday I'm going to invent a A POWERFUL LASER to free you from the United States and float you over to Oregon with a quaint little footbridge to connect the two states. Until then, you will have the best stop motion animation college in the country, the best food, and several Livers who only live there because I don't. And I'll feel left out of all the fun.
But one thing is for certain, Atlanta, whatever your superfluous bills that your mom Georgia signed into law to become a state, I am going to BREAK one of those laws to spite you! If one of them is "it is illegal to have sexual intercourse with a Population: 36,000 road sign", well...I'll have to get some tetanus shots.
You left out the suck ass traffic. I'm sure they will be happy to use your footbridge to get out of that ridiculous 70mph bumper to bumper between 8' high concrete barriers while swapping paint with 18 wheelers to go to the Coke museum.
They got a place down Kentucky
Right down near Ohio
Where you can watch the planes at night
People line up to watch each flight
I said watchin' them planes
I wish I was on one
I'm sittin' here thinkin' 'bout my red head dream
If I could only see her tonight
Oh Atlanta, Oh Atlanta!
I said yeah! yeah! yeah! Atlanta, got to get back to you
Well you can drop me off on Peachtree
I got to feel that Georgia sun
And the women there in Atlanta
They make you awfully glad you come
I said watchin' them planes
I wish I was on one
I'm sittin' here thinking 'bout my crazy dream
If I could only be there tonight
Oh Atlanta, Oh Atlanta!
I said yeah! yeah! yeah! Atlanta, got to get back to you
We make a day and how just you and me
But the music plays all night
They got the boogie band blowin' that's bound for hell
And when they get to movin' they never stop
You just keep on playin' that down home beat
You just keep on layin' it down hot
I wish I was on one
I'm sittin' here thinkin' bout my red haired dream
If I could only see her tonight
Oh Atlanta, Oh Atlanta!
I said yeah! yeah! yeah! Atlanta, got to get back to you
This is not directed at any one person in particular, but rather the city itself.
Bull. Shakespeare.
What's next, an open letter thread to the street she lives on?
Seriously man, cut it out or you'll end up in a wheelchair, married to a bipolar Christmas ham.
I wrote about a city, not a person. You are reading too much into this. I'm not kidding when, regardless of WHO was there, I would still want to move out that way. It's where the very best school for my field is. You Frenchbag.
FURTHERMORE, I scoured GAB first to see if there were any threads about Atlanta to make sure that (given it is public knowledge that some GABbers live in Atlanta), it would be okay to post about my inexplicable realization that I might be happier there because when compared to this Shakespearehole, you'd think the streets of the former were paved in gold.
I've considered relocating since I learned that SCAD was over there, so this has nothing to do with what you're twisted it into being.
I think you have a fetish for making people miserable, Mailman. And fantasizing worst-case scenarios of your paranoid fantasies. Don't project that Shakespeare on me, please. I'm just a creative person trying to find some place I can call a home and not a temporary location where I'm likely to clash severely with anyone who doesn't have the same ambition or goals.
You're trying to type up my psychological profile based on a three-line quip that I posted on a comedy site and you're accusing me of reading too much into your post?
If you're so desparate to move to another city, check out this site and stop posting your emo-rants here.
I heard they are opening up one of those dinner theaters here - the same chain that is in Atlanta. And traffic is not as bad here. And Manhole and I live here.*
*not paid for by the Virginia Dept of Tourism because they would never approve such a lame ass endorsement.
Atlanta, when I read about you in USA Today. You apparently are getting into dinner theater, with movie screens that actually have tables to sit and eat at.
I can't even begin to tell you how awesome Movie Tavern is, and the AMC Buckhead with NO CHILDREN allowed even in like PG movies.
Also my brothers and I had a Beverly contest at the Coke museum this summer and it was horrible oh god never drink that stuff awesome.
Mailman- You're misdelivering all over the place. Are you sure you have the right address to Where I Give a Frost About What You Think? At the very least, you are two or three streets and one alley way off.
I'm not interested in U-Haul at this point. I'm more keen on how I would manage a short trip to a place I've never been before without feeling completely disoriented the whole time I was there. I'm also wondering what the person you insinuated this thread is about had for breakfast, as, you see, I am soooo obsessed with the most boring aspects of her life. (Holy Shakespeare, if sarcasm was available in the guise of a woman, I would Frost the red out of its hair).
I wasn't being defensive, so much as offensive (at least, I hope so). There's really nothing that sweats my nuts more than someone who assumes my intentions are bad. A life with purpose is based on clear communication with other people, and I have a hard enough time as that is without you making me out to be someone who carves holes in shower walls so I can masturbate whoever is on the toilet. Give me more credit that that... I've made it four years on this site without showing up at someone's house unannounced and asking if they want to go get pancakes. Without your help, I intend to make it at least a few more months before pretending to have lunch with someone by sending UPS parcels of pancakes back and forth.
Jesus Pram, we know you like Taco. It's ok. That's what instant message is for. Having said that, shut the hell up. Don't get defensive when someone points out the blatant truth.. AAANNNND, you have...at least one nerdy girl who is the thripple-threat/ trifecta of hot, funny, and smart that I am attracted to.
I don't care how many years it's been, he's still annoying.
Pram, if I may ask a serious question: what is preventing you from exploring the possibility of moving? You're young, single and not exactly on a fantastic career path with your current employer. If you think you'll be happier somewhere else, pack your bags and go.*
*It should be noted that I'm not talking out of my ass. Those new to the site might not know that three years ago I sold my house and packed up my family and moved to Ohio after 45 years living in or within 30 miles of NYC.
Pram, Mailman was comparing you to Sage. You just gonna stand there and take that?
Oh yeah? Well, I compare him to bumbling Chief Inspector Jaques Cleauseau.
Filly- you've never like me, big deal. If I wanted this thread to be about Taco, don't you think I would have mentioned her name? The thread is about ATLANTA. Or Georgia in general, if you prefer. Seems less hostile than Portland, which is the capital of meth and pretentious windbags with nothing on offer.
I wasn't trying to piss anyone off by writing about Atlanta, I've just been seeing it come up a lot and I'm curious what it is like. But if you're there, no way am I moving. I don't want to be out strolling around (haha, stroll, get it? Stroller) and accidentally bump into you, and send you flying through the air because you weigh less than some paperweights.
Having made the opposite trip for the exact same reasons, let me save you a ton of trouble when I say this:
It costs way too much and you're going to be just as miserable if not more, because that move was going to solve all your problems and when it doesn't, then you really don't know what to do.
Now get out of my head, I'm busy trying to not jump off a bridge.
Pram, how about you apply to whatever school you were muttering about up there. Apply for financial aid and use the leftover money to move. Then you get to do weird things with clay and maybe Taco too.
Rene- Hmmm, I don't know... What do you think, Taco? Want to do weird things? That seems to be what people expect of me, these days. "Hey Pram, do something weird. Do that weird thing you do, Pram. PRAM! BE OFF-PUTTING WHEN I GIVE THE SIGNAL!"
What is so wrong with normal?
Phla- don't jump, let me knock you off with expired bags of marshmallows! Seriously though, I'm not trying to fix everything I find wrong with my life by moving. I'm just bored with living near a major animation hub waiting for a studio to get its head out of its ass and make another movie so I can maybe sweep floors for it and kiss ass until I can get promoted up to Executive Idea-Haver. Most people in animation move around constantly, following work. Besides, I've been fascinated with Atlanta since I read Gone With The Wind in school. I would like to get in touch with my inner local pariah Scarlett O' Hara.
There is something wrong with being normal. Normal is in the middle. It's average. It's unexciting and bland. No one should strive to be normal. We should strive to be as great as we can be at the things we love. Greatness is not normal - it is exceptional. And exceptional is the exact opposite of normal. Normal sucks. Da Vinci was not normal. Einstein was not normal. Lincoln was not normal. Freud was not normal. Nabokov was not normal. Jim Thorpe was not normal. Madame Curie was not normal. The Wright brothers were not normal. Neither were Walt Disney, Toscanini, Mozart, Michael Jackson, Thurman Munson, Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, Marlon Brando or Stanley Kubrick. You think Bill Gates or Steve Jobs are normal?
Try to be normal? You might as well try to be nothing. I'd rather be a miserable failure who at least tried to do something great than be a Frost-ing sheep who stayed in the middle of the flock.
Being exceptional and not famous is good too. Probably better.
I agree, but if I had provided a list of exceptional and non-famous people, you probably would have thought, "Who are those people? Some of Whistler's fife playing friends?"
There is something wrong with being normal. Normal is in the middle. It's average. It's unexciting and bland. No one should strive to be normal. We should strive to be as great as we can be at the things we love. Greatness is not normal - it is exceptional. And exceptional is the exact opposite of normal. Normal sucks. Da Vinci was not normal. Einstein was not normal. Lincoln was not normal. Freud was not normal. Nabokov was not normal. Jim Thorpe was not normal. Madame Curie was not normal. The Wright brothers were not normal. Neither were Walt Disney, Toscanini, Mozart, Michael Jackson, Thurman Munson, Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, Marlon Brando or Stanley Kubrick. You think Bill Gates or Steve Jobs are normal?
Try to be normal? You might as well try to be nothing. I'd rather be a miserable failure who at least tried to do something great than be a Frost-ing sheep who stayed in the middle of the flock.
I think that is the single most inspirational thing ever posted on a comedy site.
Being normal, yes. Appearing normal, no. When you appear normal, no one sees it coming when you abduct 37 women and brutally rape and murder them. Not that I would know anything about that.... *whistles*
Which may explain my view on things. If you are not normal, - and if you try and argue with me that Pram is normal, then I have a nice padded room to show you - ...if you are not normal, then normal is the very thing you aspire to be.
And for the record, it wasn't the 'Follow your dreams' part I was against. I just really hate Georgia. I mean, what is the deal with those boiled peanuts?
Don't worry about that, I am a harmless monster. I just make a lot of noise, especially towards things I don't like (although these things are obviously bad, not a matter of singular opinion)
Example: (while slumming it on a Youtube page for Dot Dot Curve)
ME: "This music is a black hole sucking all other music into it to the point that the only thing not being swallowed up are the mansions of the people who produce this garbage".
DDC Fan: "Fcku yuo, your just jellis cause yuo cnat maek gooder muzik"
I almost feel bad for slamming bands' crappy attempts at growing in popularity beyond the Myspace listenership, but you won't find me actually murdering anyone. I kill credibility, not people... But it's always earned. A Dexter for the music industry.
As far as the GABlanta party. I understand that people with social difficulties or idiosyncratic behavior are likely to congregate and Frost at these events. That doesn't surprise me, as Yahoo Chat parties used to be like that. (Now Yahoo is so full of porn bots, that everyone's programs just have sex on the internet).
I don't care what Taco's past was. Casual sex used to piss me off, but at some point I decided that it's pointless to fight hormones, and now my plea is that only intelligent people with something to offer the world bring another kid into it.
Well, I was just saying on the off-chance that a condom should break or *AHEM, AHEM, COUGH, AHEM Lobster* not be worn in the first place.
The main thing that always kept me from wanting to have casual sex was unintentional pregnancy. The other thing, but equally important is that I didn't want to inherit any diseases. Meanwhile, some people out there go to bathrooms in clubs and look each others' STD's over like trading cards: "need it, need, it, got it, got it..."
I was not the one that went home with Vince. In fact, I'm pretty sure the chick that did wasn't even a GABber. And I was too drunk to be held accountable for...other things...
Let me clear something up, Taco didn't get raped at GABlanta. It was a reference to something I said in another thread. So if Pram hasn't started driving cross-country, armed with a BB gun and wearing a diaper, to defend "his woman's" honor, I hope this stops him.
If not, I am sure some state trooper will stop the emo kid with his stop-motion claymation car somewhere along the way.
I think Taco likes Fratberry more than me, and it makes sense because he's in the same town as her. So, I give you guys my best. I don't have any reason to move. If anything, I'm going back to Seattle to re-ignite the music scene there, because there's nothing good on the radio anywhere. Portland has too many bands, and most of them are homeless (especially the drummers).
This is what my washing machine sounds like with a pair of Mexican bullfighter's pants in it.
The only reason I care at all about what's on the radio is because I listen to it at work and when I'm animating. It irritates me to hear overproduced pointless music, so, like an old man in a Canadian independent animated film, I go upstairs (to Seattle) and confront the source of the water dropping on my head (stupid rich kids who have no knowledge of music history or their undeserved place in it). And of course I swing by Capitol Hill to take a Shakespeare on its pretentiousness.
But yeah, pretty much- I'm booked up, so cheers to Frat and Taco, and I'll be your first kid's godfather if I'm not busy singing or writing or mixing or producing or directing or animating or painting or going to the hospital for hamburger aspiration pneumonia.
Four years, but I don't know everyone's back stories. This has been pretty much like a video game that was saved on level 10 and put on pause while everyone went into the game room to Frost and eat pizza, and I've been cheating from where they left off with warps and unlimited lives (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Stupid OCD, B, A, Select, Start). It looks like everyone else who has been around awhile has been playing straight through.
As for everything else, all jokes in an attempt to take the heat off of me for liking anyone. I've tried really hard to be hateful over the years, but every so often my true self shows through.
About being booked up, HA!!!! Not for money. At least not yet, anyway. I'm too farkin' nice to ask for money. Even so, helping people makes me practically glow.
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